Some of you are goddamn idiots. Some of you have always been dumb. For some, the stresses of work in this current environment have made you dumb. For others, the monotony of the quarantine have made you dumb.
One thing IS for sure, though…social media has made some of you unequivocally, irredeemably dumb.
Continue reading “Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series”
HBO has always lived by the slogan that they are “not tv”. They’re something more, something better, and for the most part, they’ve lived up to that by going above and beyond. They don’t just give us a little show about dragons, they gave us Game Of Thrones. They just didn’t give us a crime show, they gave us two of the best ever with The Wire and The Sopranos. They didn’t just give us a new Perry Mason, they gave us a Perry Mason that fuuuuuuucks. (Author’s note: my wife says I talk about this too much.)
Veep. Curb Your Enthusiasm. True Blood. Last year, HBO received 137 Emmys nominations, which was 20 higher than the next highest network (to show you dominance, NBC finished in third with 57). Anything anyone can do, they can do better… and then they do it.
When HBO launched HBO Max on May 27th, everyone expected something special. For the most part, it’s pretty great. They’ve teamed up with Warner Brothers, New Line, DC Entertainment, Turner Movie Classics, Adult Swim, and others to give an amazing amount of content for it’s viewers. Considering we’re in a global pandemic, more content is a very, very good thing to most of us.
But they need to fire the person who arranged their movies. And they need to fire them today.
Continue reading “Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…”
With movie theaters closed, many studios have decided to release current-run movies out for streaming and download. I caught up with the newest romantic comedy available on Hulu.
If living in the time of COVID-19 has taught us anything, it is that time is, truly, a construct. All it took was a sledgehammer to people’s everyday routines to have them completely unsure of what clocks and calendars even mean. We have gone from the age of, “I hate Mondays!” to “Is it even Monday?” to “Dude… what even IS Monday?” And we did it in the span of about four weeks.
Remarkably, Palm Springs is the perfect movie for this time in our society.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Palm Springs”
This is it, everyone. Five days of calorie tinged, heart attack inducing goodness. Five men entered the draft with dreams of delicious dominance. In round 10, one man’s quest will come to an end. This persson will be left with egg on his face. Enough about that, though. Let’s get to the final rounds of the draft!
9.Beverage
Michael-Limón Pepino Gatorade
Limón-Pepino, or Lime-Cucumber, is the most refreshing Gatorade flavor there is. You know how cold Gatorade hits on a summer afternoon. Amplify that with the cool, crisp essence of cucumber, the most underrated vegetable, and lime, the lemon’s sassy sibling. It’s almost as if human progress was waiting for this delight to berth forth into our realm. It is a gift from the gods. It’s the equivalent of relaxing in a hidden lagoon after a day of digging ditches. The paradigm shift in your brainwaves is set off by a catalyst of soothing, subtle flavor and unprecedented thirst-quenching power. You are now made whole again, for the first time.
Brandon-Faygo Blue Berry
Continue reading “The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 9 and 10”
Welcome to Rounds 7 and 8 of the Fancy Boys Club Ultimate Snack Foods Draft! Nothing salty or savory this time around. It’s all sweet. We are drafting frozen deserts and candy. These are the rounds where we can best jump back to the old days, as carefree children going to the grocery store and getting to pick something out to eat in the car ride home. Or maybe we are just a bunch of active and reformed drunks who will eat anything from 7/11 at three in the morning and be outwardly disappointed when they don’t have roller food. Let’s do this!
7.Frozen Dessert
Michael Grace-Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food
According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.
We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.
But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.
Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…
Continue reading “Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked”
We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!
5.Cheese Product
Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti
I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.
With movie theaters closed, many studios have decided to release current-run movies out for streaming and download. I caught up with the second film from comedian/writer/director Jon Stewart
When Jon Stewart’s career is long gone, he will be known for two things: comedy and politics. During his run on The Daily Show, Stewart redefined what political humor and satire could mean to a populous. Young voters trusted him, a fake newsman, more than actual news anchors. So much of this was because of his passion: he cared not just about crafting the best possible joke, but the best possible argument.
It’s why my hopes for Irresistable, Stewart’s second film as a writer/director, were so high. It’s also why I was so disappointed by the final product: a scattershot bleh of a film which spends most of its’ time feeling lost and never finding out what it’s trying to be or who its’ characters are.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Irresistible”
“You slap some oreos into the blender along with Ben and Jerrys, then top it off with a Toblerone and buddy, you have yourself a party.”
-Abraham Lincoln
We are back for another round of indulgence. Get on your sweatpants, baby, because where we are going, you won’t be needing anything that will constrict your waist line! Today we are doing snack cakes/pastrys and Cereal. Most people call that breakfast. Stoners call it dinner. We here at FBC call it a small snack. In a world where calories matter, and you are supposed to always look better than food tastes, Jake, Tim, Rick, Michael and myself are here to remind everyone to let your fat flag fly. You only get to live once, and if you are going to spend that one life eating quinoa, then is that really a life lived at all?
Round 3.Snack Cake/Pastry (includes non-cookie baked goods, rice krispie treats, etc.)
Michael Grace-Zebra Cakes
When you’re a child, you might have wondered what it was like to eat a cloud. Sure, the wisdom of adulthood allows you the knowledge of knowing that it would be just frosty, probably a little dirty air. But as a kid, when everything is magic and rainbows, you imagine a sweet, soft delight. Perhaps cotton candy, perhaps a piece of moist vanilla cake covered in frosting just tense enough to crack when you first bite, but never giving credence to the idea that what you’re eating is anything short of a blissfully divine treat. Once consumed, your soul returns to your body, the problems of the daily grind resume. But wait, just as Master Yoda once said… “there is another.”
Continue reading “The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 3 and 4”
Twenty Three years ago, Beavis and Butthead, the show about two teenage slackers putting little attempt into being a part of society outside of their own couch, went off the air. In the ensuing two decades, the characters ostensibly never got smarter, but the country they exist in definitely did. Now, Mike Judge, the man who created the quintessential losers and would go on to create King of the Hill, Idiocracy, and Silicon Valley, is back to put the erstwhile duo into the present day. AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON!
Continue reading “Beavis and Butthead Is Back to Save Us All”
Fancy Boys Club 