Well, if you’re just going to come right out and tell us you’re horrible fascists…

Well, if you’re just going to come right out and tell us you’re horrible fascists…

It’s been two days since the Supreme Court decided to overturn the Roe V Wade ruling which has been part of our nation for the last five decades, and you can already feel that our country is different. By different, I, of course, mean worse.

Continue reading “Well, if you’re just going to come right out and tell us you’re horrible fascists…”

Brandon Solves The Internet: Chicago Sports Edition

Brandon Solves The Internet: Chicago Sports Edition

Welcome back to another edition of Brandon Solves the Internet. Whenever he feels like it, he answers questions he finds around the internet (or gets drunkenly screamed at while at the bar). This week, Brandon is answering questions about all of the Chicago sports teams.

If the Bears catch a few breaks, can they surprise people and be a playoff team?

Brandon: No. God no. I’ve noticed over the past couple seasons that there is a large amount of Bears fans deciding their opinions on the Bears by reading Bears Twitter, which is mostly composed of failed influencers and people who build their followings by dedicating themselves to appealing to the lowest common denominator of fans. They give the absolute dumbest opinions with absolutely no use for proof. Bears Twitter is the Porn Hub comment section of fandom.

Continue reading “Brandon Solves The Internet: Chicago Sports Edition”

Everything That Could Break Down Broke Down

I started this in the small downtown of Edmund, Oklahoma. It was bristling with activity. Sitting in a cozy coffee shop, Café Evoke, I watched as people milled about, popping in and out of small locally owned stores; checking out the colorful diner across the street that looked like it was built from a retro gas station. Clean, bright blue, crisp white and popular. The Sunnyside was its name. Very appropriate for the day filled with brilliant blue skies and a soft breeze rushing down Broadway, a breeze pushing the American flags around.

I was as ready, I guess, as I could be to start my article for the Stanley Cup playoffs. The Conference Finals are pretty much set and a jump on it before the final team gets decided might be a good idea. But the flags wouldn’t let me push aside the malaise having crept into my soul.

All of them were melancholy, waving at half-staff.

I couldn’t write about hockey.

Just couldn’t.

Continue reading “Everything That Could Break Down Broke Down”

NHL Report: The Quarters

AKA the conference semi-finals, but only the NHL cares THAT much about the Conference Finals. It’s all just window dressing to get hockey fans slobbering about the Stanley Cup Final.

Don’t think I am going to go on about why it’s called “Final” as opposed to “Finals” again. I won’t as it’s too silly to be discussed. Okay? Okay. Great.

As I am writing this, I’ll do a “live” report on the Oilers-Flames series. Right now, it is 0-0 because they’re six minutes away from dropping the puck for period 1.

Now let’s check out The Quarters by taking a deep dive into a frozen pond and scope out the Eastern Conference. As expected, and I predicted – as if it’s that big of a deal it was not hockey magic like an Edmonton goal from someone else besides Connor McDavid or Leon Draisaiti – only the Hurricanes, Panthers and Lightning stand a chance of hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup. The four teams left, those are three. The other is the New York Central Park Rangers who are currently down two games to one versus the Hurricane. The Hurricane are the team I picked to win the Eastern Conference, but they must contend with a scrappy Ranger squad then the Tampa Bay Lightning. The TBL (to shorten it so I don’t have to keep typing their insipid name) are up three games to nil against the Florida Panthers. The cake is baked on that series so all that’s left is the icing.  Man I am hungry. Time to prep dinner – broiled teriyaki salmon with brussels sprouts, garlic and spinach.

Time for the Western Conference. First, we have the Avalanche versus the Blues. On paper this should be a 5 or 6 game series and still might be. The Avs are up two games to one but really got hammered at home 4-1 in game 2. They rallied big time and crushed the Blues 5-2 on St. Louis’ home ice Saturday night though. Tomorrow night is Game 4.

The keys to this series? Keeping the Blues off the power play. They are really good at scoring on the power play. They only team better this year than them are the… yep, you guessed, the Avalanche. As such, each have the same goal so to speak – keep everything 5 on 5 as much as possible. Key 2 is the same as it is on every team left – good goalie play combined with solid defense. One’s goalie can only do so much – we will get to that in a moment. Suffice to say the team that may be in danger are the Blues. They lost their number one(ish) goalie last night, Jordan Binnington when Avs forward Nazem Kadri was going after a loose puck and got shoved into Binnington by Blues player Calle Rosen. Of course, Blues fans – the blind ones – can’t see how Kadri didn’t hit Binnington on purpose but completely fail to see if Binnington had made a clean glove save and not had the puck bounce off him to sit at the front of the net this wouldn’t have happened. And, as it is St. Louis, Kadri is now getting racist death threats. How sweet of the hockey ignorant.

Time Out. I am going to go make dinner now. I’ll be back to report on Game 3 of the Oilers-Flames matchup in a while as well as continue with the Western Conference in general.

Brussels sprouts are roasting, it’s nil-nil 7 minutes into period 1.

Back to the report. I am not done with the whole Kadri brouhaha. Effectively, I just want to go on the record for two items – one, Kadri has been known to mix it up a bit too much and in fact was suspended last year during the playoffs. Two, you Blues fans who are acting like asses, look at the damn play. It clearly was not on purpose and clearly was Kadri going after a loose puck in front of the net. If you all want to really bitch about something, bitch about how your team decided the right time to pull your goalie was way too early. Goal 4 the Avalanche scored via Gabe Landeskog was declared an empty netter but it was kind of comical watching Blues goalie Ville Husso struggle to try and get back to the net to no avail.

oh Landy, you came and you scored without their goalie and it iced the game, oh Landy.

Let it be said the Avs also lost a player yesterday. Speedy defenseman Sam Girard was checked into the boards by the Blues forward Ivan Barbashov. Now if you’re thinking “hey, he sounds like he’s Russian” he certainly is, so let’s just get this out of the way to keep Avs fans frothing “gO BaCk to ruSSiA U coMmiE!” It was a clean check, just a rough one. Girard is out for the rest of the playoffs with a broken sternum. Ouch.

As for the Oilers-Flames matchup AKA “The Battle of Alberta”, you may scroll up to take notice to see how I wrote “one’s goalie can only do so much.” That particular goalie for the first tow games has been starting Oiler goalie Mike Smith. The Oilers lost Game one 9 to 6. Granted it wasn’t all his fault. He was pummeled with 10 shots in the first 6 minutes and let 3 of them into the net. As such he was pulled.

Now it’s still nil-nil at the end of Period 1, but the Oilers are the aggressors outshooting the Flames 21 to 7 at this point. Brussels Sprouts are done, the salmon is broiling, and the Oilers look like they may be cooking the Flames. There’s something poetic about that last part.

For game 2 the Oilers stuck with Smith and they won 5-3 as he stopped 37 out of 40 shots. The Calgary Flames are not going to take it easy on him whatsoever or any Oiler goalie for that matter. For Game 1 they had 42 shots. It may be tied at 1 game each right now but I cannot see how the Oilers are going to win a series when their goalie(s) have to withstand that much pressure. The Oilers can fire away too, but they are “down” 82 shots vs 68 shots through the first two games.

Food is done and delish! FYI, listening to the Flames radio broadcast via the web is pretty hilarious. Lots of “oh-ffense” and many “a-boots” plus for the first intermission you get “Flames history on this date” which was nothing but talking about the move from Atlanta 42 years ago and three coach firings. So weird.

GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL! Not sure why I am so excited. I don’t care about either team, but the Oiler Zach Hyman (AKA The Virgin) just scored for the Oilers. Maybe it’s the whole “Battle of Alberta” deal. Calgary and Edmonton are a mere 3 hours AKA a case of Labatt’s (for the passenger c’mon now) apart, don’t cha know.

Just went through the Flames playoff history. The Oilers had Gretzky so we know they won Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup. The Flames have hoisted the Stanley Cup once in 1989 with co-captain and legend Lanny McDonald.

Opah! Another GOOOOOOOAAAALLLL! The Oilers are working very hard to prove me wrong. I used OPAH because I just heard their commercial on Alberta Flames radio. It’s the largest Greek Mediterranean franchise in Canada, don’t cha know. And the Oilers just scored again, Evander Kane for the second time. It’s 3-0. I’m done with this game. OPAH! It’s now 4-0 and Kane has a flippin’ hat trick in one period. Now I have to take back my snarky comment about just McDavid and Draisaiti scoring for the Oilers. I’m also REALLY done with this game.

What else don’t cha know? My original prediction is still gold – I have the Hurricanes versus the Avalanche in the Stanley Cup Final. The Hurricane are good, but not good enough. Avalanche takes them in 7.

See you for the Stanley Cup Semis, AKA the Conference Finals.

Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools

Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools

As Teacher Appreciation Week comes to a close, it seems like teachers aren’t getting appreciated at all. All over the country, people have been interrupting school board meetings complaining about the horrible assault happening to the children. From mask mandates to the teaching of CRT to the accusations of grooming (which I’m assuming is not about getting kids to brush their hair), conservatives are furious about what is happening to the youth.

And I have bad news for America… it’s nowhere near done.

Continue reading “Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools”

Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools

Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools

As Teacher Appreciation Week comes to a close, it seems like teachers aren’t getting appreciated at all. All over the country, people have been interrupting school board meetings complaining about the horrible assault happening to the children. From mask mandates to the teaching of CRT to the accusations of grooming (which I’m assuming is not about getting kids to brush their hair), conservatives are furious about what is happening to the youth.

And I have bad news for America… it’s nowhere near done.

Continue reading “Masks, CRT, Grooming: What Comes Next In Schools”

The Last Thing America Needs Right Now: A White Man’s Thoughts On Roe V. Wade

I get it. You don’t want to hear from me. I don’t really want to hear from me. As I’m sitting in bed waiting for my son to wake up, all I’m thinking is that I’m the last person who should be writing right now.

There are better voices. Smarter voices. People who can tell you what this means in a larger contextual purpose or what we, as a country, should be doing.

I’m not one of those people. I’m still asking questions. Because I don’t understand how we got here.

Continue reading “The Last Thing America Needs Right Now: A White Man’s Thoughts On Roe V. Wade”

The Last Thing America Needs Right Now: A White Man’s Thoughts On Roe V. Wade

The Last Thing America Needs Right Now: A White Man’s Thoughts On Roe V. Wade

I get it. You don’t want to hear from me. I don’t really want to hear from me. As I’m sitting in bed waiting for my son to wake up, all I’m thinking is that I’m the last person who should be writing right now.

There are better voices. Smarter voices. People who can tell you what this means in a larger contextual purpose or what we, as a country should be doing.

I’m not one of those people. I’m still asking questions. Because I don’t understand how we got here.

Continue reading “The Last Thing America Needs Right Now: A White Man’s Thoughts On Roe V. Wade”

The Truth About Elon Musk And Twitter: A Fancy Boys Exclusive

The Truth About Elon Musk And Twitter: A Fancy Boys Exclusive

When news broke yesterday that billionaire weirdo Elon Musk had purchased Twitter, the social media site became abuzz with theories. Is this simply a way for Musk to add to his pile of expensive toys? Or was this a way for Musk to allow people like Donald Trump to rejoin the platform (which might be the only way for him to, legitimately, win back the presidency in 2024)?

The truth is much more weird, as the truth usually is.

Continue reading “The Truth About Elon Musk And Twitter: A Fancy Boys Exclusive”

The USFL Report: What? Yep.

Hey kids, remember a couple years back when the XFL had their inaugural season derailed by the pandemic (allegedly) and then the whole league disappeared like a fart in the wind?

Good times.

Well, we here at Fancy Boys Club HQ feel as if by writing about the XFL, were an integral part of the league taking a swan dive right into an empty swimming pool. Now we are out to do it again.

Welcome to the USFL Report.

The USFL? Now hold on just a second there fella, wasn’t that the league that Donald Trump was a part of and didn’t it, like a vast majority of his enterprises, go into the crapper? And was it about 40 years ago, too? Yep. They had three seasons from 1983-1985. For the 1986 season “they” planned on moving the league from the summer to compete directly with the NFL. None of us are privy to any audio of their board of directors meeting before the 1986 season, but I think the conversation probably went like this:
Owner A: Let’s not play in the summer anymore. Too hot.
Owner B: Spring?
Owner A: No, fall.
Owner C: So you want to compete directly with the NFL?
Owner A: Yes.
Owner B: I’m out.
Owner C: Out.
Owner D: Out.

Owners E, F, G and H in a tenor-style chorus: OUT!

And BTW, Owner A was New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump.

Right after this alleged meeting of which we have no audio, the USFL folded faster than a Japanese kid doing origami.

The Birmingham Stallions looks like a bad marriage between the Denver Broncos and the Florida State Seminoles

Now, the USFL is back baby with a new range of fat cats ready to bankroll the new USFL and probably take the tax write-off they have been dreaming about. Not only has the USFL has a Phoenix-like rise (without fighting for water rights just to create a city way too large to exist in a desert), but they have also taken the original names of the franchises.

There are eight teams in two divisions: The New Jersey Generals, Birmingham Stallions; Houston Gamblers; Michigan Panthers; Philadelphia Stars; New Orleans Breakers; Tampa Bay Bandits; and the Pittsburgh Maulers.

Before we get to the team evaluation portion, let’s look at some of the unique rules the USFL will be playing under.

Continue reading “The USFL Report: What? Yep.”