What’s In Brandon’s Head 8/3 Edition

What’s In Brandon’s Head 8/3 Edition

There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.

Bullet Train is Pure Insansity

It’s always refreshing to go to a movie and enjoy yourself. This is difficult for me because I don’t like the horror genre, and the only thing that makes me break out in hives more than super hero movies is bee stings. (very literally on the bee sting front. My buddy Chabus had to drive me to the hospital one time because I nearly My Girl’d myself.)

Continue reading “What’s In Brandon’s Head 8/3 Edition”

WHAT’S IN BRANDON’S HEAD 7/27 Edition

WHAT’S IN BRANDON’S HEAD 7/27 Edition

There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.

RIP To The Choco Taco

Companies reveal and remove food items from our lives all the time. When you are a fat, this hits you particularly hard. And as a noted fat, I was heartbroken to learn that Klondike had decided to discontinue the Choco Taco, a sweet treat of a taco made of a waffle cone, ice cream, and then dipped in chocolate. It’s July, a month that is specifically taxing on people of girth. We need our cool treats (shout out to my buddy Mongoloid Mike who was out of town on my birthday, so he Door Dash’d me ice cream sandwiches from Coldstone) to help us survive the sweltering heat. We don’t melt like snowmen, we die of heat stroke while trying to mow the yard.

Continue reading “WHAT’S IN BRANDON’S HEAD 7/27 Edition”

Deep in the Heart of Texas, Part II: Food, Frivolity, Freedoms, and Frontage Roads

Part I had us digging into Texas from a size, sounds, sites and overall silliness perspective. There is a lot of all four categories, and I tried to hit what I could given where I took my Texas trek. Could have there been more? I did not reach Dallas and Dallas is an article all its own. Okay, time to move on to Part II.

Food

Barbecue – all of it is good, some of it is pretty good and some of it is excellent. If they ask you if you want your brisket “lean” or “moist” say lean. Moist means more fat. I went to a few places, one of which was the Harris County Smokehouse. It’s main claim to fame is you can order breakfast all day with your barbecue – “Only In Texas!”… except when you can’t. The night I went I got there about 2 hours before their closing time. All they had left was what was on hand as the cooks closed the kitchen. What? Yeah. Closed it down. Harris County Smokehouse became cafeteria style so you told them what you wanted and they slapped onto a dish or into a bowl. No eggs, no waffles, no pancakes as those all cannot be pre-cooked well. So, no 7PM breakfast. Not that I was going to do it anyway, I wasn’t. I was able to get brisket and chicken and two sides… but they were running out of sides. I looked at the server, looked at what they had left and said to myself “shit…” then said to the server, “I’ll take the boiled (GAAAAACK) brussels sprouts” then quickly added, “wait… is that peach cobbler a side?” With a twinkle on her eye (it was “on” as she had glitter caking her eyelids) “It is tonight.” Damn fine woman!

The best barbecue I had I was used to having and knew it would be good. I drove from San Antonio after my Alamo and River Walk experiences (see Part I) to salvage most of the day via a heaping plate at Salt Lick Barbecue in the Hill Country. Lean brisket, pulled pork, some spicy sauce, tater salad (it’s not potato in Texas), coleslaw, and sweet tea and I was good.

After that I had a day drink called a Firecracker at the Fang & Feather located on the grounds of the Wizard Academy, a place worthy of its own article someday. It was tremendously satisfying, and I have no idea what was in it. I’m not much of a drinker but from what I hear these guys have tremendous whiskey and, at the time they started it, were the only crowdsourced whiskey distiller in America. Look them up at Crowded Barrel Whiskey Company.

Many many Whiskeys, Cigars, and Watch Your Step signs

Frivolity

Texans love their football. Whoo doggie there are massive stadiums all over the place, including for high school football. Yep, high school football. It’s plain crazy. However, let’s leapfrog to the pro teams. Houston had the Oilers who moved to be the Tennessee Titans then got the Texans. They have never won a thing. Then we have the Dallas Cowboys, AKA “America’s team.” America’s team? Really? Well, if you look at it they do go on quick streaks of being great and then they go long stretches of not winning a damn thing so “America’s Team” kind of makes sense.

More sports frivolity? Baseball. Texas Rangers, 2x losers of the World Series. Houston Astros? 2x losers of the World Series… and they cheated to win the one they did so technically 3x losers of the World Series. I know, I mentioned this in Part I but cheatin’ merits another mention.

This cannon at the Alamo will probably be moved to Minute Maid Park so the Astros can have a louder sound when a fastball isn’t coming.

And more? Texas has more pro championships in basketball (6) than they do football (5). As for hockey, they have one Stanley Cup victory, but no one cares.

Freedoms

Freedoms includes lack thereof and Texas history has got it good. When the state decided it wanted entry as an official state into the union, the Missouri Compromise was in effect and therefore no slaves could be above the 36°30’ latitude. Texas wanted to be entered into the union as a slave state. Therefore, this strip of land became what was known as “No Man’s Land” until Oklahoma took it, which is why Oklahoma is roughly the shape of a Jiffy Pop popcorn held upside down. I know I just dated myself and I do not care.
Dated is key here. Texas got wind the Civil War was over, the South lost and the Emancipation Proclamation was set in stone. However, they effectively kept it their own little secret for 2 more years until federal troops arrived in Galveston to take control of the state and make certain the still-enslaved people got their freedom. That was the short version of Juneteenth. There’s more here.

Plus, freedoms ain’t freedoms without guns. Based upon the ton of billboards seen on this Texas trek, the Uvalde tragedy has not slowed the Texas populations zeal for guns. Lots of Second Amendment folks out there still shouting the Demon-Crats are coming to take yer gunz! I saw more than one big-ass truck with such sentiment plastered all over their bumper and windows.

Frontage Roads

First, Texas has a lot of 3 and 4-level highways. There’s a crap-ton of concrete being utilized for roadways in this state. Good gravy. Second, most of Texas has a highway system where a side road – the frontage road – runs alongside the actual highway. Granted, Colorado has these as well but they are not nearly as sophisticated as Texas. In Colorado they are literally so close to the actual highway you’ll see dirt tracks running to them from the highway in what I call “fuck it” lanes, where when traffic gets bad if you have a 4×4 just say ‘fuck it’ and cut over to the frontage road.
Again, Texas has a more sophisticated frontage road system and it works like this – you see the place you want to get to, pass it and then 2-3 miles down the road you’re able to get off the highway, do a built-in u-turn (AKA “turnaround”) under or over said highway to enable driving back to your chosen spot. If you happen to miss it? No problem, there’s another u-turn spot further on up so you can go back under (or over) the highway, return to your original turnaround and start over again. You could make your own NASCAR race out of it if you want… and based upon the chunks of cars, black tire marks and damaged guardrails people have. This system, by the way, is a nightmare for Google Maps. To make it worse there was a lot of road construction too. My Google Maps virtual woman got so tangled up in the mess she stuttered “head south… head south… head south… head… head… head… head.” I finally released her of her duties and figured it out on my own.

Which BY THE WAY GOOGLE – when someone is not familiar with where they are the first set of directions which inevitably includes a direction – are USELESS. I know not where north is in a strange land like Texas so stop telling me to “head north.” RANT OVER – as is this article y’all.

Deep in the Heart of Texas: Part I Size, Sounds, Sites and Silliness

I just spent a four days in Texas. Was I deep in the heart? Not really. From an anatomical perspective looking at a person walking away, the ‘heart’ could be considered Santa Anna, Texas which is kind of ironic given he wanted to cut the heart right out of Texas. First, I was in Houston. Houston would be like the right shinbone if it was a severe compound fracture like you see in Stranger Things. Then I went to San Antonio, the normal leg with a twisted knee, and then Austin AKA the right hip. Very appropriate for Austin since it is the only hip place in Texas yet not appropriate since it should be the left hip.

Size

Texas. What to say about Texas. It’s big. Really really really big. It’s not the size of Alaska – you can fit 2.5 Texas’ into Alaska, but it’s big. It’s so big this is where Southwest Airlines was born. Who wants to drive to Dallas from Houston? No one. San Antonio? From Houston? Sure. From Dallas? No fucking way. Hence, Southwest first set of flights were the triangle from Houston to Dallas to San Antonio. And how, pray tell, did the good folks who started Southwest Airlines entice people to fly on said airlines? With colorful planes? Well… no. This is a marketing question for y’all as it was for me when I went to Northwestern. We had a whole half a day to try and figure it out. Us college kids thought we had all the answers. Free food. Nope. BOGO tickets. Nope. Buy 3 flights get one free. Nope. Free fifths of whiskey. Yep. Wait. What? Yep. None of us came up with that answer and therefore our professor thought we were idiots. Yeah, because that’s the FIRST THING we’d think of – handing out free booze.
“you kids need to learn what the audience is all about and you didn’t.”

Oh really? Alcoholics? Yeah, because coming to the conclusion only alcoholics would be brave enough to get on a fledgling airline’s flights makes so much sense.

They don’t drop whiskey into your lap anymore, but Southwest still does the triangle flights everyday – San Antonio to Houston to Dallas. Good to know, but watching people wait for a delayed flight from San Antonio to Houston – a 3-hour(ish) drive – is kind of hilarious.

Sounds

Your ears will pick this up more than you want, trust me – the actual song Deep in the Heart of Texas. I swear to baby Jesus someone told June Hershey (lyrics) and Don Swander (music) the morning after a massive drinking binge they had to write a song about Texas.

The stars at night are big and bright (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

The prairie sky is wide and high (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

The sage in bloom is like perfume (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

Reminds me of the one I love (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

GEETAR PICKIN’

The coyotes wail along the trail (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

The rabbits rush around the brush (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

The cowboys cry ‘Ki Yippee Yi’ (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

The dogies bawl (MOOOOO!) (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas

PRODUCER: Hey June? Don? That’s only a minute 45 seconds. Do you have any more animals to add to it? Deer? Armadillo? Chupacabra? Hello? June? Don?
JUNE & DON: Fuck off.
PRODUCER: Ok, wrap it up. All done!

Speaking of sounds, we have the Cheatin’ Astros. Minute Maid Park is a nice facility, but the Astros cheated to win the 2017 World Series. They had center field cameras key on the opposing catcher to steal signs then relay it to their hitters what pitch was coming. It if was a curveball or any other non-fastball pitch BANG BANG went the trash can lids then bye bye went the Yankees then the Dodgers.

Sites

The Alamo, where white guys lost, yet they won. It seemed like every single statue of a person at the Alamo that I read about at the Alamo started off with “after a series of business failures back east, so and so moved to Texas” or “after a bad marriage and a business failure back east so-and-so fled to Texas.” Out loud, I said, “oh so they were losers who ran like chickens” and some guy laughed loud enough it broke the unwritten rule of the Alamo Code of Silence (not sure that’s a thing but everyone was super quiet).

I am certain during their last breaths Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett had a discussion that went kind of like this:

“I hope this becomes a tourist attraction.”

“Tourist attraction ?”
“Oh yeah, we’re going to lose this battle and we are going to lose it bad. Yet somehow, through tourism, we will make this a victory.”
“And a movie.”
“A what?”

“A movie – moving pictures on a screen. It’s coming. And maybe they’ll get a huge conservative movie star to make it so it looks like we were wronged.”
“But we’re trying to claim this as our own.”
“Never mind that.”

(Cannonball hits wall)
“Jesus Hosea Jebediah Santa Anna is pissed.”
“He probably has a right to be. I mean we did kind of shell game him a bit.”
“Are you saying we…”
“Swindled him? Well… does it matter now?! We are not going to survive this! But what will… maybe… just maybe… become a legacy so it becomes a tourist attraction.”

“Oh that again.”
“Yes, with tourist trap crap attractions like Ripley’s Believe it or Not, an IMAX theatre, a Haagen Dazs, a Starbucks, an entire shopping center… and a coffee shopped named after you Davy.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Coffee?”
“Yeah and…”
OK, so you get my point. The Alamo is surrounded by everything crappy. There’s even a Tussaud’s Wax Museum. It’s not Madame Tussaud’s either it’s Larry or Big Head Todd Tussaud or something like that but after I saw the massive Trump head (and I think Eric Trump) in wax I refused to pay any more attention to it. The only thing it should be surrounded with are Mexican restaurants. It’s close, but not quite there yet.

They may as well move the Alamo to Branson. If they can move the London Bridge to Arizona, they can move the Alamo to Missouri. There I said it.

Back side of the Alamo from inside the walls. Pretty sure that’s the Alamo Marriott in the background where Santa Anna and his men stayed before attacking.
Continue reading “Deep in the Heart of Texas: Part I Size, Sounds, Sites and Silliness”

WHAT’S IN BRANDON’S HEAD 7/20 EDITION

WHAT’S IN BRANDON’S HEAD 7/20 EDITION

There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.

Ted Cruz Is An Idiot: Part 8,128,903

Everyone’s favorite dumpy uncle who has gotten scammed by three ponzi schemes has decided to go and run his mouth, again. Ted Cruz, whose main existence was to make Jeb Bush seem likeable in 2016, said on Saturday that he thinks that the Supreme Court should repeal same sex marriage. Remember when, after Roe vs. Wade was overturned, everyone was concerned that Republicans were going to come for gay marriage next, and then every conservative said “nooooo, we would never do that,” well that lasted all of three weeks.

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Fancy Boys Go To The Movies: Thor: Love And Thunder

Fancy Boys Go To The Movies: Thor: Love And Thunder

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This review will be spoiler free. If it ain’t in the trailer, it ain’t here.)

Thor: Love And Thunder, the fourth titular film with the God Of Thunder and director Taika Waititi’s second effort in the franchise, has opened to lower Rotten Tomatoes score yet higher box office totals than it’s immediate predecessor, the excellent Thor: Ragnarok. If the critical consensus is that Love And Thunder is trying too hard to recapture the formula and magic from Ragnarok, the movie-going audiences have responded with a hearty, “We do not care. We just want to give money to the MCU.”

And it is clear that Love And Thunder has a lot of effort and flare and jokes. Waititi and star (and co-producer Chris Hemsworth) clearly felt the pressure to make this film a bigger spectacle. Because of that, you see a lot more storylines and punchlines and yelling sheep. But how does it all come together as a final product?

Ok, I guess… and that’s kind of the problem.

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What’s In Brandon’s Head 07/13 Edition

What’s In Brandon’s Head 07/13 Edition

There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.

Vince McMahon is a monster/wrestling fandom is toxic

Over the past month, World Wrestling Entertainment CEO and primary shareholder Vince McMahon has been outed by the Wall Street Journal as having covered up four affairs with women within the company with hush money over the past decade and a half, while he was running a publicly traded company. All told, he spent over 12 million dollars making sure that his tv image of being a womanizing asshole who never suffers any actual repercussions for his actions wouldn’t be sullied.

Continue reading “What’s In Brandon’s Head 07/13 Edition”

The Best Song Wasn’t The Single: time traveling to the sun-kissed bliss of Frank Ocean’s channel ORANGE

The Best Song Wasn’t The Single: time traveling to the sun-kissed bliss of Frank Ocean’s channel ORANGE

Memories are made to fade. Even the strongest of them lose data over time. That’s where music comes in. A song, an album, an artist can act as a time capsule for eras of our lives. They serve as sensational time machines that can conjure up images enough, just enough, to make us feel that moment again. Something truly great can stitch together memories in an un-tattering fabric that yearns to be worn when we need the halcyon digest of youth the most. Listening to channel ORANGE, I always embark on the same somewhat mundane stream of consciousness that, in full, transcends the mundane. It isn’t a memory of summer, it is the summer, and it lives with me still, ten years later.

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The Best Understanding of Why You Should Yell at a Douchebag at a Steakhouse…

The Best Understanding of Why You Should Yell at a Douchebag at a Steakhouse…

Wednesday, news was made when pro-choice activists staked out a Morton’s Steakhouse where Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was eating. According to reports, these protestors called the restaurant and demanded Kavanaugh be kicked out and were yelling so fiercely that the justice had to leave out the back. The restaurant chain called the yelling by the activists, “an act of selfishness and void of deceny”, and if they think that’s bad, they should see some of the bullshit this dickhead Kavanaugh has been doing from the bench!

A lot of the same conservatives who are condemning what happened Wednesday are the same people who also have the dumbest arguments against a woman’s right to choose her own reproductive care. So when they tell us that we shouldn’t be ok with what happened outside this Morton’s all I can think to respond is, “You were the ones who wrote the playbook.”


Continue reading “The Best Understanding of Why You Should Yell at a Douchebag at a Steakhouse…”

Where Will Kevin Durant End Up

Kevin Durant is one of the best basketball players ever. He is also looking for a new home. The problem with the NBA is, there are only 29 other jobs out there if he doesn’t want to be a Brooklyn Net. And there are only 28 other teams, because I feel pretty safe in saying that Golden State is fine winning championships without him. And i’ll just say 27 other teams, because i’m a miserly Chicago sports fan who cannot even dream of the concept of a player of Durant’s caliber ending up on the Bulls. I’ll just go on pretending that things will be just as good with Zach Lavine.

The other problem with the NBA is, they have a pesky thing called a salary cap. The farther over the cap you are, the more excessive you pay into the luxury tax. The rule is made to keep teams from assembling rosters so loaded with talent, that the entire point of having an NBA season goes out the window.

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