The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 9 and 10

This is it, everyone. Five days of calorie tinged, heart attack inducing goodness. Five men entered the draft with dreams of delicious dominance. In round 10, one man’s quest will come to an end. This persson will be left with egg on his face. Enough about that, though. Let’s get to the final rounds of the draft!


Michael-Limón Pepino Gatorade

Limón-Pepino, or Lime-Cucumber, is the most refreshing Gatorade flavor there is. You know how cold Gatorade hits on a summer afternoon. Amplify that with the cool, crisp essence of cucumber, the most underrated vegetable, and lime, the lemon’s sassy sibling. It’s almost as if human progress was waiting for this delight to berth forth into our realm. It is a gift from the gods. It’s the equivalent of relaxing in a hidden lagoon after a day of digging ditches. The paradigm shift in your brainwaves is set off by a catalyst of soothing, subtle flavor and unprecedented thirst-quenching power. You are now made whole again, for the first time.

Brandon-Faygo Blue Berry

Puff it and pass it and I give it to my homies ya’ll
Hit it and quit it and then I give it to my homies ya’ll
I got the world around my finger with my homies ya’ll
And everything is obsolete unless I hear my homies call
We world wide, were homies across the planet
Sticking together like zippers on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It jacket”
They got my back like a tat for that, I love ya’ll
Hanging till we old and gray like grandpas (Psychopathic)
We talkin’ about HOMIES! HOMIES!
Talkin’ about the Road Dogs of mine
Our motha fuckin’ HOMIES! HOMIES!
We throwin’ up clown love signs (Real life Juggalo)
Talkin’ about the Road Dogs of mine
You don’t like me, you can fuck on!
Carnival ain’t for everyone!
Keep it in your click fuck the outside baby
You don’t like me, you can fuck on!
Carnival ain’t for everyone!
Runnin’ with the homies until i’m old like Grady
You don’t like me, you can fuck on!
Carnival ain’t for everyone!
I ain’t trapped in my family by my muthafuckin lady
You don’t like me, you can fuck on!
Carnival ain’t for everyone!
Swingin’ hatches on the daily with my crew actin’ crazy

Jake-Barq’s Root Beer 

Ooooooh gimme that bite. I like it when my root beer hurts, mistress. May I have another?

All other root beers were ruined for me when I first tried Barq’s. All that sarsaparilla flavor with the caffeinated bite of a regular soda gives me all that I could want in a carbonated beverage. 

Not to mention, I see absolutely no point in sodas with no caffeine. 150 calories that won’t even put that sweet go-go chemical in my brain? Nice fuckin’ try, 7-Up. Crisp and clean, empty calorie bullshit.

Rick-Wild Cherry Pepsi

Uh… the word ‘wild’ is in the name? Hello? If that doesn’t give you visions of short stout men cutting their way through the forests of Michigan looking for the perfect elusive cherry to handpick and bring back as a prize to meld with one’s Pepsi then something is seriously flawed in not only your beverage thinking but possibly your outlook on the entire universe. Whew I am so glad I got that off my chest.
I am going to add a caveat to it – fountain wild cherry pepsi. Cans or liters it’s like you’re living in Arkansas. Yeah your sister is cute but… you know… 

Tim- Dr. Pepper

Paging Dr. Pepper…

We need 2000 CCs of 23 delicious, unique flavors, stat!

The platapus of soft drinks, Dr. Pepper pulls a fast one on you by bringing so much FLAVOR to the game, that she just can’t be beat. Also, Dr. Pepper is a woman, so to not select her makes you misogynistic now.

10.Misc./Wild Card

Tim-Cheeto Puffs

Listen, everyone knows Cheeto Puffs are just a top notch snack; they’re big, they’re cheesy, they’re light and breezy. The best form of cheese puff, the Cheeto brand just knows what’s good. I can’t really speak too much more to this, other than LOOK HOW BIG THE BAG IS AND DON’T YOU SORT OF FEEL GOOD KNOWING YOU ONLY EAT HALF THE BAG INSTEAD OF THE WHOLE SMALL ASS NORMAL CHEETO BAG?

Rick-Snyder’s Honey Mustard Pretzel Pieces

Tim has done good with the first choice, but this is mustard and salt and pieces of hard pretzel. Filling for a road snack… and my go-to when I fail to find anything enticing in the candy bar aisle yet I still have the hunger. Yes I have actually had them with a Starbucks Frappuccino. Yes, please do judge me – it’s a bad decision. If you want to be filled up, get the pretzel pieces and some unsweetened iced tea. Allow the mustardy honeysweet goodness to live on its own in your mouth without any interference.  Jake also would not get interference with his choice because it is so hard to tell the difference in the edge-of-the-tray-crust and the edge-of-the-tray for it tastes exactly the same.
But I do have to admit, after giving Brandon a bit of a hard time in this snackdom? His choice in this category? It’s not something any Westerner like me would do in public without getting the shit kicked out of them, but it’s a pretty good choice.
Michael – I think it’s high time for an intervention there, Cool Hand Luke.

Jake-Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese

My mouth waters as I picture chomping down on that edge-of-the-tray crust. Everyone’s got the blues when it comes to quick-make mac and cheese, but you are doing yourself a disservice to discount the orange box. Stouffer’s mac and cheese is the Cadillac of frozen pasta-based entrees. It’s Kraft blue box for people who grew up. The mac for a sophisticated palette. 

Brandon-Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey

Look at this group. Cheese? Pretzels? EGGS??? Instead, i’ll go with something that will throw you off a mountain before you even realize you are in trouble. If you haven’t tried this stuff out yet, then dammit, you should get on it. It literally doesn’t taste like whiskey. It tastes like peanut butter juice. You can drink shot after shot of it without realizing you have been drinking, then suddenly, it’s three days later and you are in a town you’ve never been, wearing a tuxedo you don’t own, in a public fountain you’ve never seen.

Michael-Hard-boiled eggs

We’ve come all this way to end here. Mr. Irrelevant, right? The last pick. When I selected the Hard-Boiled Egg, you would have assumed I had offended the whole FBC office. Brandon slashed my tires. Well, he would have, but we’re social distancing still over a few hundred miles. Nonetheless it was a privilege to pick the perfect snack as my final choice. Look upon the prior 49 choices. Processed, packaged, temporary. There is but one snack that has endured hundreds of generations. Sure, through science and animal rights abuse we have created enormous and delicious eggs, but that doesn’t change the fact that the hard-boiled egg has endured for thousands of years because it is perfect.

In fact, the progress of our species from cave-dwellers to omnipresent information hounds is hand in hand with the hard-boiled egg. It has always been there, waiting to be consumed and forgotten. It asks nothing more than its own purpose to be a delightful and delicious epiphany in our otherwise meaningless existence, even as we seek out new corners of our own imagination.

And aren’t we all just like these eggs? The hard surface, needed to be peeled back entirely. To become vulnerable voluntarily. To show the pure, unblemished sheen of our souls. To give way to the core, a symbol of our own heart beating in time with the wealth of what is eternal and what is mortal.

One life, an unfertilized embryo. The image of an egg broken on the ground is that of despair and despondency. But a hard-boiled egg is that of limitless will to become something greater than we were before. When the yolk solidifies into a yellow, cake-like sphere, the egg has transformed from early humanity to its evolutionary peak. We humans alive in this hour may never see our species at its zenith, but the hard-boiled egg, the everlasting vehicle of simplicity and nutrition, is the once and future king of the snacks.

Long may it reign. 

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