The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 3 and 4

“You slap some oreos into the blender along with Ben and Jerrys, then top it off with a Toblerone and buddy, you have yourself a party.”
-Abraham Lincoln

We are back for another round of indulgence. Get on your sweatpants, baby, because where we are going, you won’t be needing anything that will constrict your waist line! Today we are doing snack cakes/pastrys and Cereal. Most people call that breakfast. Stoners call it dinner. We here at FBC call it a small snack. In a world where calories matter, and you are supposed to always look better than food tastes, Jake, Tim, Rick, Michael and myself are here to remind everyone to let your fat flag fly. You only get to live once, and if you are going to spend that one life eating quinoa, then is that really a life lived at all?

Round 3.Snack Cake/Pastry (includes non-cookie baked goods, rice krispie treats, etc.)

Michael Grace-Zebra Cakes

When you’re a child, you might have wondered what it was like to eat a cloud. Sure, the wisdom of adulthood allows you the knowledge of knowing that it would be just frosty, probably a little dirty air. But as a kid, when everything is magic and rainbows, you imagine a sweet, soft delight. Perhaps cotton candy, perhaps a piece of moist vanilla cake covered in frosting just tense enough to crack when you first bite, but never giving credence to the idea that what you’re eating is anything short of a blissfully divine treat. Once consumed, your soul returns to your body, the problems of the daily grind resume. But wait, just as Master Yoda once said… “there is another.”

Brandon Andreasen-Banana Moon Pie

I am definitely a late convert to this treat. Most people only know what a Moon Pie is through their brilliantly nihilistic twitter feed,  if they are 85 years old or are from some of the worse parts of Mississippi. I found them because at work, there is a little cafe where you can buy stuff, and there wasn’t much to choose from, and I ended up taking a chance on one of these. And let me tell you, it was like staring into the loving face of god. It’s basically a cookie with the vague texture of a sponge, with some creme filling, dipped into a banana creme.
If that doesn’t sound good, you would be correct. It sounds like the fever dream of a failed accountant who started a shitbox food truck that failed because breweries don’t give a shit about where your fair trade bananas were ethically raised.But this is a delight, and nobody can tell me otherwise.

Jake Breunig-Cosmic Brownies

Let’s take a trip back to elementary school. It’s just about noon and recess is so close you can almost taste the soccer ball you’re going to get hit in the face with because you aren’t paying attention, but that’s okay, because you’re about to be cafeteria nobility. Your fellow students, mere peasants kneeling before you, hands sticky with goop from those weird honey buns their mouth-breathing parents keep buying for them. You are their guardian. Their great prophet. A Knight of Little Debbie’s Table. 

Our old pal Debbie has graced us with many a delectable treat, but none so powerful as the treat that wields the power of the cosmos itself; the Cosmic Brownie. It literally sounds like an all-powerful artifact that Thanos would be chasing after if Marvel ever took a page out of the Muppet Babies playbook. WIth its chewy perfection and vibrant candy pieces, if you pull one of these bad boys out of your nylon Speed Racer lunch box, I can promise you that even Blake, the kid whose mom brings him McDonald’s every Friday that he picks up from the front office on the way to the cafeteria, will be stunned by jealousy. 

Rick Copper-Raspberry Zinger

It’s got coconut on top brilliantly melded in with what I would lovingly call a spackle of raspberry flavoring. This is what a Twinkie wants to be when it grows up… yet never gets to reach this zenith of cake potential. When I was in school I could trade a Zinger for a lot of favors… a lot… and most of them possibly illegal.
Another good set of selections from these snackies… except for Brandon. Bananas don’t belong in a goddamn thing except for banana splits and monkey shits.

Tim Nemec-Hostess Cupcakes

Somethings are just meant to be; remember when you were a young kid and you WEREN’T bullied? That’s what a Hostess Cupcake tastes like. Remember buying your first CD and you didn’t have to skip ANY of the songs? That’s what a Hostess Cupcake tastes like. That feeling of when your first crush held your hand for the first time? That’s what a Hostess Cupcake tastes like.

Round 4.Cereal

Tim -Resse’s Puffs Cereal

Y’all like candy? Now, y’all like candy, FOR BREAKFAST? You’re damn right you do. Look no further than the breakfast of champions; Resse’s Puffs. A perfect mixture of chocolate and peanut butter, it’s like Captain Crunch and the Cocoa Puffs bird had a bastard child who is just doing his own thing, like a rebel. Like you, you wild child. 

Rick-Cocoa Puffs

I have been coocoo (cuckoo is the way it;s supposed to be spelled but frankly that’s too close to cuck so I am not having it) for cocoa Puffs since I was a young lad in the suburbs of Denver. We would drive out and get our milk straight from the dairy and let me tell you nothing was better than dropping that first pour with its little bit of cream onto a big-ass bowl of Cocoa Puffs. The milk would slowly take over the puffs like Patton did to Rommel in the desert during the Big One. It would steal the chocolate just enough for the puffs to be so delicious but leave a rich chocolate pond at the end. You carefully grab that bowl with two hands like Trump grabs a glass of water, turn that pond into a river and drink it all in.
Jake? Correct. Cinnamon Toast Crunch should only be given to another animal in order to enrich our lives. I would proudly trough every single box of that dreck into the pig sty in order to produce more bacon. That being said, it is still leagues better than Honey Bunches of Oats. Michael – that’s the sign of a bad childhood.

Jake-Golden Grahams

Let me start off by stating a less-than-popular opinion: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is overrated hog feed. There, I said it. Come for me. I’m glad my colleagues defied my expectations and left it off the board entirely.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about a one-of-a-kind treat. A diamond in the rough. A cereal no one seems to give a damn about but me. I’m a real fucking weirdo, in that my favorite part of a s’more is the graham cracker. Therefore, when I found out I could get that sweet honey graham flavor in a breakfast cereal when I was a kid, I about shit my little dungarees. The best part about this cereal is that there’s nothing like it. Everyone’s attempted a chocolate cereal, a cereal with marshmallows, and so on, but Golden Grahams are a genuine article. Golden Grahams don’t pretend to be something they’re not, and no one can emulate what Golden Grahams have accomplished. 

Golden Grahams is Golden Grahams and nothing else is Golden Grahams.

 Not to mention, the post-Golden Grahams milk slurp from the bowl is absolutely *chef’s kiss* delightful.

Brandon-Count Chocula

I completely understand if you are turned off by their mascot, who looks like a Fox News commentator that breathlessly congratulates the president for drinking water like a human being. That being said, it takes the best part of Lucky Charms, and combines it with Cocoa Puffs. There are very few combinations that are better in this world: Peanut butter and jelly, fried chicken and hot sauce, Las Vegas and overpriced strip clubs.
This though, this is the breakfast that can be enjoyed by people of all ages. It turns the milk chocolatey, the marshmallows clog up your lower intestine, and it’s wanted for murder against sugar loving lactose intolerant children everywhere. It’s the total package.

Michael-Honey Bunches of Oats

Most junk cereal has the “healthy” bits that I referred to as “wood pieces” as a kid. This is the stuff that justifies its existence. For Honey Bunches of Oats, its a cornucopia of flavors- that of the subtle warmth of corn flakes and the welcome embrace of honey, juxtaposed beside crunchy granola bits that are one part challenging, nine parts indulgent. If you please, the blue box variant adds a subtle crispness of sliced almonds to give the experience an even fuller array of flavor. This is a desert cereal for grown folks.

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