Set fire to the infinite. We are destined to have a season where 20 teams finish 9-8 or 8-9. It’s not the future we want. But it’s the future we will get. Let’s do the week three power rankings.
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 touchdown passes this season, and Rob Gronkowski is on pace for 34 of them. I’m not saying this will happen, but i’ve given up on the concept of believing it might not happen with this goddamn warlock and his forever frat bro tight end.
The mailbag is back! Every week, Matt Drufke has questions about the NFL. Every week, Brandon Andreasen and a special guest answer guest, both of whom know much, much more about football than Matt, give their thoughts. This week, the guest is Brian Roman. Let’s dive in.
We are back! With just a week until the first game of the season, i’m back to the do the hard work: to separate the good from the NFC East, and contenders from the Jets. If the 2020 NFL season taught us anything, then it has shown that bad teams are meant to stay bad. Middling teams are meant to stay middling teams. Great teams are meant to stay great teams. Except for the Patriots. They fell down an elevator shaft after Tom Brady left.
This is a quarterback league, and if you are able to get one, then you hang onto them with dear life. For every Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson, there are way more Blaine Gabberts and Christian Ponders. Ending up in quarterback hell means ending up in franchise hell. Here are the last eight Super Bowl championship winning quarterbacks: Tom Brady Patrick Mahomes Tom Brady Carson Wentz Tom Brady Peyton Manning Tom Brady Russell Wilson Only Carson Wentz stands out as a one hit wonder on a list full of the quarterback equivalent of The Rolling Stones and Beatles.
A while back, toward the beginning of the baseball season when every team except the Pirates, Rockies, and Orioles thought they might have a chance to make it to the playoffs, I wrote two articles.
Article Uno was the before the season really got underway and I explained how this year might – note the word might – be one of the easiest on record to predict regarding who will make it to the World Series. I said the Yankees and the Dodgers. The Dodgers, were 5 games back as of last week and are now one-and-a-half games back, and are still the NL favorite as well as the only team sitting at a whopping 23% chance to win the whole she-bang. Oh, gross.
Let’s take a long look at that – in spite of the surprising Giants, the Dodgers are catching up quickly. Mostly it’s a strength-of-schedule issue. The Giants simply have a harder schedule down the stretch. The Giants have the desperate Padres 7x in the next month. The Padres have completely drained their ‘sure bet’ playoff appearance by completely sucking in July and August. July they went 11-14 and for August they are sitting at 8-10 with three games against the Dodgers coming up this week. I hope they pound the Dodgers but odds aren’t good. Plus, they have 3 more versus the Dodgers in September and a whopping 7 against the Giants.
They are so bad they picked up Jake Arrieta. That’s a sign things won’t be going well for them for the next 5 weeks. Naturally, Arrieta’s first game may be his only one. We all knew he’d suck, he did, and suddenly got a hamstring issue. I fixed the headline for MLB.
Every year, I start these previews with the best of intentions. To talk some shit, have some fun, and preview the start of the football season. But by the time I hit the end every year, I want nothing more than to jump into a time machine and beat my own ass for thinking this is a good idea. The end is just me hoping i’m not reusing insults and puns and whatnot.
After this, i’m taking a few days off to not stare at my laptop. Then that will last about a day. Next week, i’m going to be bringing your my division picks, awards candidates, Super bowl pick, and what not. The week after that, i’ll drop my first Power Rankings, which is always going to be a little more sad when I don’t have Adam Gase to make fun of. Additionally, next week, over on Football Absurdity, i’m going to drop my first gambling article of the season, going over every team’s Super Bowl odds. After that, i’ll do a weekly column every Thursday over there an talk about my favorite bets of the gambling week.
That’s what you do when you truly, deeply hate something. You double down and do even more of it! Now let’s check otu the NFC West!
Much like Prince at a club in the 80’s, this division bores me. There is one good team and three teams that are already building their draft boards for next season. The Super Bowl champions reside in this division. But so does a team that decided to embark on the Sam Darnold Reclamation Project. Jameis is back! But so is Matt Ryan 😦
Well, it’s almost over at least. Both the anticipation for the rest of the season and me having to pretend to be excited to write about some of these teams. Lets get on with it. The NFC South, everyone.
It could have been so easy. It was right there for the taking. It took one decision to change everything. The axis of power forever thrown off it’s axle and for once a chance given to so many. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HIRE AARON RODGERS, JEOPARDY, YOU BASTARDS!
But no, instead King Shit Mustache is back to lord over the division again. Aaron Rodgers is like the band Kiss. He keeps threatening to leave our lives, making most of us happy. Then they keep coming back, infuriating everyone but a set of fat, white people. I’ve watched the preseason quite a bit because i’m dead on the inside. I like to make fun of the other shitty divisions in the NFL, but there is a genuine chance the Packers will have locked the division up by Thanksgiving. The quarterback situations range from “fans already booing the quarterback( Andy Dalton)” to “fans are hoping their quarterback gets a bad case of covid (Kirk Cousins)” to “eh, who the fuck cares anymore (Jared Goff).”
If you are going to anoint them, then just fucking anoint them. Let’s do the NFC North.
Oh yes. oh god, yes. I do these previews every year for one reason. To just asolutely shit on this moribound, pathetic division. Every team in this division deserves to be thrown into low orbit. Their pure existence is proof that bad things exist. It is the Nickelback of football divisions. The Guy Fieri of teams that don’t deserve the national television love they get.
Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the winner of the NFC East had a 7-9 record. Even in a division this bad, nobody in this godforsaken bracket could get fat enough of playing these terrible teams to get to a .500 record. None of them deserved to make the playoffs and at least Washington had the good sense to fuck off quietly in the first round to the eventual Super Bowl champions. But my god. The amount of trash you have to set on fire to burn the energy needed to make this epileptic syndicate of garbage teams with even bigger dirt bag ownership is almost unprecedented.
Welcome to the AFC West, which is ruled by one team until their quarterback leaves. Outside of the AFC East, this might be the most one sided division in the NFL. In one corner, you have the back to back AFC Champions. In the other three corners, you have a bunch of Barry Horowitz’s that are stepping in buckets and accidentally lighting themselves on fire and stabbing their own players in the lung.
The division is entertaining at the top end, because two of the teams have good quarterbacks. Two of the teams have rusty dildos playing the most important position in football. Those two teams aren’t entertaining. Alright, the week is almost over, lets get through this together. Welcome to the AFC West.