Sweet merciful shit. Every team from 8-20 is pretty much interchangeable. This is all just a big fuckaround. Am I going to do memes? Will I write a haiku for every team? Will I give actual analysis? Will I just do 32 different gifs of Kid Rock? Should I rank everyone based on their special teams? What about their DVOA?
After a week off, we are back! Matt Drufke is feeding Brandon Andreasen and Brian Roman questions about what we have seen in the NFL and what is going on moving forward. As always, there will be Shakira references, because there is no god.
To make up for the fact that nobody seems to be reading the words I have to say, i’m going to try a different tact. This week, every team is going to be represented by a meme I made of them. That’ll show you illiterates! I made all of these memes myself, which it turns out is mind numbingly dumb. Congrats to all the people who make memes all day only to have the Grape Juice Boys steal from them. You guys are the real heroes.
“So that’ll bring up Rizzo,” a voice offscreen says as the first baseman takes the first pitch. Anthony Rizzo needs no introduction. He is the face of the Chicago Cubs and its un-charged captain. “And now he drills one deep to right field, there it goes, see ya,” the faceless voice declares. “And it gives the Yankees a one-nothing lead.” It’s July 30th, 2021. By this point in the day, MLB’s trade deadline, the Cubs’ championship core of Rizzo, Javier Baez, and Kris Bryant has been dismantled. The weeks before had felt like hospice for the should-have-been dynasty. The greatest era of Cubs baseball anyone can remember was over. Forty-nine days earlier, that core combined for one hit in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. It was deemed ‘Opening Day 2.0’ because Wrigley Field was able to host a full stadium. His helmet still bright blue, his team down 5-4, the captain of the Chicago Cubs stepped into the box against righty Daniel Ponce de Leon.
Set fire to the infinite. We are destined to have a season where 20 teams finish 9-8 or 8-9. It’s not the future we want. But it’s the future we will get. Let’s do the week three power rankings.
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 touchdown passes this season, and Rob Gronkowski is on pace for 34 of them. I’m not saying this will happen, but i’ve given up on the concept of believing it might not happen with this goddamn warlock and his forever frat bro tight end.
The mailbag is back! Every week, Matt Drufke has questions about the NFL. Every week, Brandon Andreasen and a special guest answer guest, both of whom know much, much more about football than Matt, give their thoughts. This week, the guest is Brian Roman. Let’s dive in.
We are back! With just a week until the first game of the season, i’m back to the do the hard work: to separate the good from the NFC East, and contenders from the Jets. If the 2020 NFL season taught us anything, then it has shown that bad teams are meant to stay bad. Middling teams are meant to stay middling teams. Great teams are meant to stay great teams. Except for the Patriots. They fell down an elevator shaft after Tom Brady left.
This is a quarterback league, and if you are able to get one, then you hang onto them with dear life. For every Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson, there are way more Blaine Gabberts and Christian Ponders. Ending up in quarterback hell means ending up in franchise hell. Here are the last eight Super Bowl championship winning quarterbacks: Tom Brady Patrick Mahomes Tom Brady Carson Wentz Tom Brady Peyton Manning Tom Brady Russell Wilson Only Carson Wentz stands out as a one hit wonder on a list full of the quarterback equivalent of The Rolling Stones and Beatles.
A while back, toward the beginning of the baseball season when every team except the Pirates, Rockies, and Orioles thought they might have a chance to make it to the playoffs, I wrote two articles.
Article Uno was the before the season really got underway and I explained how this year might – note the word might – be one of the easiest on record to predict regarding who will make it to the World Series. I said the Yankees and the Dodgers. The Dodgers, were 5 games back as of last week and are now one-and-a-half games back, and are still the NL favorite as well as the only team sitting at a whopping 23% chance to win the whole she-bang. Oh, gross.
Let’s take a long look at that – in spite of the surprising Giants, the Dodgers are catching up quickly. Mostly it’s a strength-of-schedule issue. The Giants simply have a harder schedule down the stretch. The Giants have the desperate Padres 7x in the next month. The Padres have completely drained their ‘sure bet’ playoff appearance by completely sucking in July and August. July they went 11-14 and for August they are sitting at 8-10 with three games against the Dodgers coming up this week. I hope they pound the Dodgers but odds aren’t good. Plus, they have 3 more versus the Dodgers in September and a whopping 7 against the Giants.
They are so bad they picked up Jake Arrieta. That’s a sign things won’t be going well for them for the next 5 weeks. Naturally, Arrieta’s first game may be his only one. We all knew he’d suck, he did, and suddenly got a hamstring issue. I fixed the headline for MLB.
Every year, I start these previews with the best of intentions. To talk some shit, have some fun, and preview the start of the football season. But by the time I hit the end every year, I want nothing more than to jump into a time machine and beat my own ass for thinking this is a good idea. The end is just me hoping i’m not reusing insults and puns and whatnot.
After this, i’m taking a few days off to not stare at my laptop. Then that will last about a day. Next week, i’m going to be bringing your my division picks, awards candidates, Super bowl pick, and what not. The week after that, i’ll drop my first Power Rankings, which is always going to be a little more sad when I don’t have Adam Gase to make fun of. Additionally, next week, over on Football Absurdity, i’m going to drop my first gambling article of the season, going over every team’s Super Bowl odds. After that, i’ll do a weekly column every Thursday over there an talk about my favorite bets of the gambling week.
That’s what you do when you truly, deeply hate something. You double down and do even more of it! Now let’s check otu the NFC West!