Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series

Some of you are goddamn idiots. Some of you have always been dumb. For some, the stresses of work in this current environment have made you dumb. For others, the monotony of the quarantine have made you dumb.

One thing IS for sure, though…social media has made some of you unequivocally, irredeemably dumb.

I’d love to say that this hasn’t always been the case, but trips through history prove that there have always been people who are willing to believe anything for the sake of…to be honest, I’m not sure. One thing is for sure, though: we are at an inflection point in our history of whether we are willing to believe people smarter than us or not.

I literally watched an argument take place yesterday in which someone (I’ll let you guess the gender, age, and skin color, but you already know this is a middle aged white guy) espoused how bad masks are and how unhealthy they are. He was confronted in the comments by not one, but two doctors, who pointed out that they wear masks every day at work and that the things he was saying was untrue.

The man, who no matter the profession he does have, IS NOT A DOCTOR, decided to go back and say that they had their opinion and he had his, and that he could find all sorts of stories saying that masks are bad.

TO DOCTORS. HE SAID THIS TO DOCTORS.

At some point I’ll get into masks and Wayfair and a bunch of other stuff, but for now, lets talk about what is making people dumb today: money!

It should be noted that there is absolutely a shortage of change currently happening. This isn’t, as some of you clutch your pearls about, a government conspiracy. Making coins, like many other things in society, were slowed by health regulations when the Coronavirus shutdown happened.

Beyond that, with businesses shut down, not as many coins were going to businesses/banks. Look at the spare change you have lying around. Is it all from one year, or multiple years? This is because the Treasury regularly takes coins out of circulation depending on various reasons, including coin condition, and replaces them with a new coin.

2020 coins don’t just enter the world all willy nilly. There is a methodology to all of it, and there was a break in the supply chain on both ends of this process. The mints were unable to produce as much, coupled with the fact that there wasn’t as much being spent with businesses and banks shut down or limited in service.

See: simple, non ridiculous answer to a question. Beyond that, is it really that big of a deal if nickels and pennies come out of circulation a little bit? If you are making your purchases with pennies and nickels, you are an asshole and everyone behind you in line is judging you. You aren’t 7 and this isn’t an Ice Cream Truck.

Let’s look at one of the root causes of this: a very dumb Facebook post. We take you now to England! The words in regular don’t come from a widely shared Facebook post. The bold lettering is me.

HERES WHAT NO CASH ACTUALLY MEANS

And here we fucking go…

A cashless society means no cash. Zero.(good, I’m glad we have established that a cashless society means no cash. Thanks for staying that. I always hate when someone says something is cashless, then next thing, they are trying to get my quarters) It doesn’t mean mostly cashless and you can still use a ‘wee bit of cash here & there’. Cashless means fully digital, fully traceable, fully controlled.(If you think paper money isn’t trackable, I’ve got some really bad news for you regarding the letters and numbers on the bills) I think those who support a cashless society aren’t fully aware of what they are asking for. A cashless society means:(like a very dumb roller coaster hitting it’s apex and about to come racing down…)

  • If you are struggling with your mortgage on a particular month, you can’t do an odd job to get you through. Well, you can actually. If you get paid in cash, you can take it to the bank and deposit it. How are you being paid? In seashells?
  • Your child can’t go & help the local farmer to earn a bit of summer cash. Every week I go to a Farmers Market. They take cash, card, venmo, apple pay…farmers aren’t 19th century bumpkins. I’m sure if your kid is going to Big Dump Creek Farms to pull onions for them or whatever it is child laborers do at farms, there are many ways of payment, including cash, or seashells, as you seem so willing to take as payment for goods and services.
  • No more cash slipped into the hands of a child as a good luck charm or from their grandparent when going on holidays. Who gives their kids good luck cash? How hard of a gambling addict do you have to be to say “come over here Seamus. Now I gave you a dollar yesterday and I hit the 5-7 exacta in race ten at the horse track. So here is another dollar. Wish me luck!” Also, a reminder:THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE ARE TEMPORARILY GOING CASHLESS IS TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF A DISEASE THAT CAN LIVE ON MONEY FOR UP TO 24 FUCKING HOURS! THE MONEY DOESN’T GO TO PIZZA HUT, AND ONCE PIZZA HUT GETS THAT MONEY, IT DOESN’T GO INTO A FUCKING SCROOGE MCDUCK VAULT. IT GOES INTO A CASH REGISTER TO BE USED AS CHANGE FOR SOMEONE ELSE THAT COMES IN. GERMS ARE SECOND GRADE SCIENCE, FFS.
  • No more money in birthday cards. Never again. Those little shits are getting Kohl’s gift cards or they are getting nothing at all.
  • No more piggy banks for your child to collect pocket money & to learn about the value of earning. Yep, piggy banks are just going to cease to exist. My eight year old neice probably has a RobinHood account and day trades at a level I couldn’t imagine, but keep pretending piggy banks are the make or break moment in this.
  • No more cash for a rainy day fund or for that something special you have been putting £20 a week away for. Oh get an Acorns account, you big idiot. I have one and pay for my vacations with it. I’m sure you can take that money you save on Acorns and buy whatever you want with it, like Bearnstein Bears books. Or seashells.
  • No more fivers on the side because your wages barely cover the bills or put food on the table. A fiver on the side? The fuck even is this? It sounds like you are giving out 5 dollar hand jobs to make ends meet. If you are giving people the ol’ five knuckle shuffle to put food on the table, then a cashless society shouldn’t be at the top of your list of problems.
  • No more charity collections. I don’t know about you, but I have an amazing charity collection. I’ve got an autographed JDRF Fund, and two Susan Koman Breast Cancer researches. But seriously, this is such a load of shit. Find a charity that you really care about, and do a 10k walk for it and have people you know give you a little bit of the VERY MUCH STILL EXISTANT money for every kilometer you walk and then give it to said charity.
  • No more selling bits & pieces from your home that you no longer want/need for a bit of cash in return. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT IS OF GRAVE URGENCY: WE HAVE ABOLISHED GARAGE SALES. ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO EARN MONEY FROM THE SELLING OF YOUR OLD TOASTER WILL NOW BE SENTENCED TO EIGHT YEARS IN STATE PRISON. THE SHAREHOLDERS OF EBAY HAVE ALL BEEN EXECUTED.
  • No more cash gifts from relatives or loved ones. Because you are going to just give them Confederate Currency instead?

What a cashless society does guarantee:

  • Banks have full control of every single penny you own. It is worth mentioning at this point that it is 2020, and not 1887. Banks are where most of us keep our money. It’s not the wild west, where we bury our earnings from the gold mines so Billy the Kid can’t find it. If I didn’t have money in the bank, I’d just wander around with my money shoved into my pocket like a toddler. And I’d spend it on incredibly dumb things because I’m more easily able to control my spending urges when my finances are bank held, and not burning a hole in my pocket.
  • Every transaction you make is recorded. Wait til this person finds out what a receipt is…
  • All your movements & actions are traceable. Batshit conspiracy written on an IPhone 9.
  • Access to your money can be blocked at the click of a button when/if banks need ‘clarification’ from you which will take about 3 weeks, a thousand questions answered & five thousand passwords. The last time my card was hacked, I had a new card in 5 days and never lost access to my bank account. And I had my money returned to me. Your bank is only locked if you are suspected of being a villian in a Fast and Furious movie. “My accounts are frozen! I want Torreto killed.”
  • You will have no choice but to declare & be taxed on every pound in your possession. I know this is British and they are referring to currency, but I’d love it if a tax man showed up at my house every year and weighed me, and I was taxed based on how fat I was. Just an IRS official playfully poking me in the stomach saying “looks like someone has some capital gains in their stomach!”
  • The government WILL decide what you can & cannot purchase. THATS NOT HOW THIS WORKS. THATS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS! If Pizza But goes cashless, then Papa John’s will spend millions advertising that they DO take cash, and the commercial will end with Shaq dancing as money falls on him.
  • If your transactions are deemed in any way questionable, by those who create the questions, your money will be frozen, ‘for your own good’. Here is a thought. Maybe tell your drug dealer that it was a stupid idea to incorporate, and the name “Oodles of Cocaine LLC” has your bank asking questions.

I could write lists for 5 days & still not finish explaining how utterly awful a cashless society would be, for everyone. (I wish you would keep writing lists, you moron. You would give me endless content.) Even for the goody two shoes who wouldn’t dream of not declaring £500.
Forget about cash being dirty(cash being dirty. With Covid. Is literally why we are here). Stop being so easily led.(ITS TIME TO LOOK OUT FOR THE PIGGY BANK MAKERS AROUND THE GLOBE!) Cash has been around for a very, very, very long time (it used to be called schillings where the original poster is from!) & it gives you control over how you trade with the world.(It abso-fucking-lutely does not. People sending money across the world aren’t FedExing 50k in cash and coin. It’s done…wait for it…digitally!) It gives you independence. I heard a story where a man supposedly contracted Covid because of a £20 note he had handled. There is the same chance of Covid being on a card as being on cash.(this is some next level horse shit. Cash, or notes as he very Europeanly put it, has the ability to be handled multiple times. Think about it. You pay cash on a three dollar item. That dollar is touched by you, followed by the cashier. It goes into the cash register. The next person gets a dollar in change and now they become the third person in contact with it in a matter of minutes. You are the only person that possesses your card. If your card had Covid, YOU GAVE THE FUCKING CARD COVID.) If you cannot see how utterly ridiculous this assumption is then there is little hope.(the lack of hope falls more on those of us with friends and families members that believe any of this.)

If you are a customer, pay with cash.(No) If you are a shop owner, remove those ridiculous signs that ask people to pay by card.(Yep, because you know what business owners love: idiots on Facebook making demands based on their own ignorance of science) Cash is a legal tender, it is our right to pay with cash.(it is worth noting that this started as a post about getting rid of money, not a declaration to exclusively use it) Banks are making it increasingly difficult to lodge cash & that has nothing to do with a virus, nor has this ‘dirty money’ trend.(Bank closes one hour earlier than normal. Idiots: “this is tyranny!”)

Please open your eyes.(and see a world of seashells!) Please stop believing everything you are being told.(for example, this Facebook post. Don’t believe this Facebook post) Almost every single topic in today’s world is tainted with corruption & hidden agendas.(and Wayfair Chifferobes filled with children) Please stop telling me & others like me that we are what’s wrong with the world when you hail the most corrupt members of society as your heroes.(We have been hailing scientists and doctors and nurses as heroes because they actually have to deal with idiots like this poster when they get sick from licking sand at a beach to prove their freedom) Politics & greed is what is wrong with the world; not those who are trying to alert you to the reality in which you are blindly floating along whilst being immobilised by irrational fear. (There is no more irrational fear that “oh no, they are taking our pennies) Fear created to keep you doing & believing in exactly what you are complacently doing.(which in my case is writing a scathing takedown of this insanely stupid post and probably losing some Facebook friends in the process.)

Pay with cash & please say no to a cashless society while you still have the choice. (To the tune of The Ramones: “The Treasury took my nickels away, they took them away, they took them away”)

Ok everyone, back to me talking with a plea for you all. Do actual research before you post dumb stuff on the internet. You don’t know who will read it and believe it to be true.

If you don’t know if what you are reading, use common sense and consider the source. CNN and Fox News might be the devil, but most of their news is based on actual fact based reporting. The Associated Press only reports facts. Same with Reuters.

YouTube is not an accurate source. If any idiot with even base line editing skills can make stuff up and put it online, they probably will. Read the website name. Does it seem fake? Then it probably is.

And for the love of God, try to take a step back, and see if you are being manipulated. This entire post is just an Anti-Covid post masquerading as a post about our money getting taken away.

Money will always be printed and exist. Why? Because otherwise the numbers in your bank account are meaningless. Just numbers. The actual cash has to exist for the numbers in your bank account to have value. Otherwise you are dealing with crypto currency, and the United States has made very clear they have no intention of converting over.

Actual cash exists so the value of money doesn’t become arbitrary and move on the wind of its users, like crypto, or even the stock market. Last week, a small crypto called Dogecoin(exactly what you think it is) had it’s value more than double because a large group of twitter users and block chain investors were able to manipulate it’s value. It rose briefly before falling back to it’s original price.

Paper money exists to act as a financial anchor. No matter what happens to the economy, stock market, whatever else, the dollar will still act as a static base line for spending value, unbothered by the peaks and valleys of digital currency.

Put simply: if you spend 20 dollars using a bank card, there is a real world twenty dollar bill that represents the money you spent on your card. That is why paper currency exists and will continue to exist.

And what happens if we go off the paper currency? What will we replace it with? You guessed it…

Seashells.

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