Welcome to Rounds 7 and 8 of the Fancy Boys Club Ultimate Snack Foods Draft! Nothing salty or savory this time around. It’s all sweet. We are drafting frozen deserts and candy. These are the rounds where we can best jump back to the old days, as carefree children going to the grocery store and getting to pick something out to eat in the car ride home. Or maybe we are just a bunch of active and reformed drunks who will eat anything from 7/11 at three in the morning and be outwardly disappointed when they don’t have roller food. Let’s do this!
Michael Grace-Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food
It’s almost a test, really. When you peel the top off of one of those human-heart-sized pints of B&J ice cream, can you save some for later? When it comes to Phish Food, their finest achievement, the answer is a resounding “no.” This is the 1995 Cleveland Indians of ice cream. You’ve got old standby chocolate ice cream (Orel Hershiser), the deceptively brilliant marshmallow (Kenny Lofton), the humble but workhorse caramel swirl (Jim Thome) and the fudge fish that are here to fuck your life up in the best way (Albert Belle). Before you say it, I know the Indians lost the World Series in ‘95. Cheaper, less-interesting ice cream is the Atlanta Braves. People want what’s safe and comfortable. They want Neapolitan (Smoltz) rocky road (Glavine) or even moose tracks (Maddux) but in the end, the one you remember is the one that’s too spectacular to forget.
Brandon Andreasen-Patti LaBelle Banana Pudding
Remember a few years ago when everyone went nuts around Thanksgiving time for Patti LaBelle’s pies? Well just because people forgot doesn’t mean that Patti LaBelle isn’t still slinging some of the best frozen deserts Wal Mart money can buy.
This jug of heaven is by far the best thing you can bring to a family gathering when you have lost the will to cook anymore. It’s got everything you could ever hope for in a snack food. It’s sweet, it’s got Nilla Wafers. If I could, i’d fill a bathtub with it and then eat my way back out, slowly and leisurely. You know, with candles and everything. I’d make a romantic evening of it.
Jake Breunig-Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream
Let’s be real for a second; if you’re getting ice cream cones and don’t go waffle cone, you’re a friggin chump. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but it is what it is. So then, what do you do when you can’t put your ice cream in a waffle cone?
Stephen Colbert knows. You put the waffle cone in your damn ice cream!
Other ice cream flavors wish they could be Americone Dream. Reliable vanilla ice cream, a velvety caramel swirl, and fudge-dipped waffle cone pieces, all dancing a delectable three-way waltz in your mouth. Eat your heart out, Fallon. Potato chips in an ice cream? Preposterous beyond all measure.
America is a land of indulgence, and therefore, Stephen doth say, “Indulge”.
Rick Copper-Talenti Sea Salt Caramel Gelato
The choices here are so close to perfect. You can’t go against the deliciosity of a Chocolate Eclair Bar or any Ben & Jerry’s, but I have uplifted my sweet creamery palate in the past few years and have gone Talenti. A good BJ every once in a while is quite a treat, but the thing about Talenti’s Sea Salt Caramel Gelato is that it lasts. I cannot eat an entire pint of it in one sitting. It’s so thick, rich and creamy (Christ I think I just described myself) you’ll certainly go into cardiac arrest if you attempt it. Relax. Enjoy. Wind down with a few smooth bites and think about what a fool Brandon is for picking banana pudding.
Tim Nemec-Good Humor Chocolate Eclair Bars
Think back, many moons ago. It was a hot summer night in the 90’s. Oh Yeah Cartoons is playing on Nick, and you hear, off in the distance, the sound of an ice cream truck, right as the commercial break starts. You run to your parents, beg for a dollar and some change, and run like hell. You know it’s there, they have to have it. It’s there, Good Humor brand Chocolate Eclair Bars. The perfect mixture of crunchy and soft, salty and sweet, and just enough of the wooden flavor from the stick. It tastes like every good childhood memory. It tastes like heaven. It tastes like how you’ve always remembered, years later. It is the premium ice cream experience.
It’s a cookie, it’s caramel, it’s chocolate, but most important of all, it’s FASHION.
Rick-Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Ginger
Yep, I am a candy snob. I have been known to walk into a convenience store looking for something sweet and walked out with a bottle of Starbucks Frappuccino because there was nothing in the candy bar aisle that enticed me. Ginger, as a plant or a person, is so delicious. Sweeten it up then cover it in some bad-ass dark chocolate? Well my friends that is a thing.
They do not go bad either. Well, they can’t – not with me around.
I was always a sucker for a chocolate covered pretzel, and in 2004, Mars Inc. answered my prayers. I can suck these little sum’bitches up like a brand-new Dyson all the live-long day. Let’s all admit that whether it’s pretzel, peanut, crispy, or any other M&M variety, there’s no reason to ever go back to the milk chocolate “plain” ever again. That being said, pretzel is the dominator, the superior variety. Sweet and salty has always been a sought-after flavor profile, but when the world’s favorite bite-sized, melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand sensation got on the train, it hopped right into the conductor’s chair.
Brandon-Sour Patch Kids
Sweet, sour, salty. You slap some miso paste on these little bastards and you have yourself some full on umami. I was tempted to go with Skittles here, but Skittles are more of a first evolution of what would become Sour Patch Kids. Kind of the Charmander turning into Charizard via Charmeleon. BTW, in this comparison, Charmeleon is, you guessed it…Frank Stallone.
God rest his soul, but Kobe Bryant was never once the best basketball player on the planet at any point in his career. This was partially because of Michael Jordan, partially because of LeBron James. But Kobe’s prime was thwarted by Tim Duncan. Snickers is the Tim Duncan of candy bars. Yeah sure your Take 5 and Almond m&m’s might seem special, but they can never top the consistent genius of the Snickers. It has everything you want or need in a candy bar- chocolate, nougat, caramel, and peanuts. It’s sweet, it’s salty, and you know it’s going to give you exactly what you need to win the day. More boisterous candy bars will rise and fall, but you’ll always respect the true greatness of the fundamental master of the game.