The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 5 and 6

We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!

5.Cheese Product

Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti

I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.

Brandon Andreasen-Hot & Spicy Cheez Its

THESE ARE LIKE HEROIN. I can, no bullshit, eat three boxes of these in a day. For you health conscious people out there, that’s 8100 calories. The only people who eat that many calories in a day are people who have given up on life and the Rock. And nobody smells what i’m cooking.

Jake Breunig-Frigo Cheeseheads String Cheese

Another elementary school lunch MVP. Not only do you get a hit of savory mozzarella that dances to Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore” on your taste buds, but the string cheese peel is one of the most satisfying bits of nostalgia you could find up until they announced the re-launching of Dunkaroos for this year. The indulgence of peeling and dropping strings of cheese into your mouth from on high was an irreplaceable experience as a kid.

Unless you were Gregory, the weird kid at my lunch table in second grade. Gregory chomped into the full stick like a fucking monster. A pox on you, Gregory.

Rick Copper-Kraft Mac n’ Cheese

It’s junk, I know it. But that color, goddamn beautiful. You can probably light it and use it as a road flare in an emergency. Granted I haven’t had it in a while but when my kids were little we’d pound this stuff down with various meat products mixed in. Which, speak of, why do people boil hot dogs? Do they not know this is how the fucking tube of meat was made in the first place?

Tim Nemec-Fritos Mild Cheddar Flavored Cheese dip

Yeah, this extremely processed cheese dip is primarily designed for use alongside Frito corn chips, but it’s a dip; THINK OF ALL THE FOODS THAT CAN BE ENHANCED WITH A CHEESE DIP. Chips? Easy. Vegetables? Edible. French fries? Get the fuck out to the store, buy some Frito cheese dip and an order of your favorite fast food fries, and tell me it doesn’t taste better. I dare you. 

6.Frozen Non-Dessert (non-dessert frozen snacks, frozen pizza, etc.)

Tim-Totino’s Pizza Rolls

The only savory frozen treat that a nondescript White woman from a Super Bowl ad will feed her Hungry Guys™️, Totino’s Pizza Rolls are the essential snack that you SAY is for a party you’re hosting, but is actually for you to eat for three of your meals, hungover on a Sunday. These Pizza Rolls have come in handy in more way than one, and whether it’s finger foods you pray no one touches so you can have more for yourself, or your meal for a week because you’re broke, you couldn’t ask for a better snack.

Rick-Red Baron Cheese Pizza

Only because of its sheer adaptability and pierce for the budget-conscious, yet somewhat tastebud-sensitive consumer. Totino’s I grant you, makes a good roll, but their pizza is like Tombstone Lite. The only way they can sell them is in party packs to stoners who just see volume.  A Red Baron Cheese Pizza is a) thick so it is filling, it’s not sauce on a cracker.; b) there isn’t a goddamn thing you can’t put on it that won’t match it. For those health-conscious? Slap on some damn veggies. I, in the past, have gone balls out and covered the thing with chili, onions, jalapenos and more cheese. I think I burned a hole in my stomach lining doing it, but it was… I think… worth it.
Jake – no shame in the burrito choice. None at all. Michael – well done. Brandon – you worry me.

Jake-El Monterey Bean and Cheese Microwave Burritos

Yeah, this pick is gonna raise some eyebrows. My diet sucks sometimes. Fuck off. No one is perfect.

I literally used these things to claim that I did a “vegetarian week” once a month in college to impress a girl. Cringeworty, I know, but these burritos still come through in a pinch. Pop two of these champions in the microwave and, in two minutes, you’ll have a filling, savory snack that will leave your digestive track saying, “Normally we like beans, but these seem like they might be mean beans. Oh well, we’ll fart it off later.”

Brandon-Aldi Mac N Cheese Pizza

Quintessential drunk food. When I get home after a long night of drinking (less than 24 hours ago as of this writing), you slap one of the these five dollar bad boys on the Pizzaz, throw on an episode of King of the Hill, and 18 minutes later, you have cheesy, pizzaish goodness. And to think, I spent so many years thinking the only way I could get this style of pizza was to have to wade through the flotsam and jetsam of forlorn society at Cici’s. Never again. Never again.

Michael-Mrs. T’s four cheese pierogis

I’m probably Polish. I don’t know. Ask my mom. But what I do know is that pan-frying a good half-dozen of these suckers in olive oil until they’re golden brown is a recipe for a good evening in. Sure, the more traditional angle is to get the potato variety, but I feel the cheese is the most versatile when it comes to pairing with dipping sauces. I like to stock up on Chik-Fil-A sauce or perhaps peruse the condiment aisle for strange and exotic mustards. Then, it’s a smorgasbord of crisp shells, fluffy cheese, and whatever wondrous flavors you saw fit to squirt onto your plate. Pierogis are a lovely reason to get a few hot oil burns. You’ll forget them soon enough when you’re dining on an underrated snack for the ages.

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