Generally during this time of year Major League Baseball fans such as I mull over their favorite team’s impending moves for the upcoming season. We’ll sit around the metaphorical stove and keep ourselves warm with loads of firewood, black coffee and baseball chatter. But right now, it’s quiet… too quiet.Continue reading “The Hot Stove League is Cold”
Basketball was invented by God as a means to give giants something to do beyond losing fights via slingshot. From those early days, it evolved into a use for peach baskets once all the peaches had been consumed. The bigwigs at the ladder factory kept the bottom of the baskets intact for decades, citing a need to keep the game “pure, beautiful, and slower than a tortoise with his hands tied up.” That phrase doesn’t make much sense to me either, but what was once a boring, often cumbersome sport to watch has blossomed into one of the great games on this planet. The NBA, National Basketball Association for long, began seventy five years ago as the Toronto Huskies hosted the New York Knickerbockers, losing 66-68. Basketball then isn’t close to what it is now. Baseball added the curveball well over a century ago. Football did the same with the forward pass. But basketball’s true genesis of the modern, perfected sport didn’t come until just 60 years ago when the three-point arc was added in the ABA. It would be 18 years before the NBA officially adopted it and decades more before it altered the game. Now the David sons (part of me will have you laugh at that) can truly be equal with the Goliaths. And here we are, in the amber of the moment, and the damn Bucks are the reigning champions.Continue reading “Diamonds Are Forever (or) The Third Annual Fancy Boys Club National Basketball Association Preview Show”
Sweet merciful shit. Every team from 8-20 is pretty much interchangeable. This is all just a big fuckaround. Am I going to do memes? Will I write a haiku for every team? Will I give actual analysis? Will I just do 32 different gifs of Kid Rock? Should I rank everyone based on their special teams? What about their DVOA?
Just kidding, i’m doing the Kid Rock one.Continue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 6”
What Alaska lacks is certainly not scenery. You can’t swing an Ulu knife around your head without seeing some sort of spectacular scenery. What it needs is direction, as in signage.
Sign Issue #1 – Directional Signage
Anchorage AK (pronounced by locals as “InkRidge”) is effectively Rockford IL (pronounced by locals as “Rockford”). Rockford has its special places, but so does Anchorage. However, Rockford has highways that actually connect to one another without the ‘aid’ of stoplights and has signage announcing said departure from one highway to another. Anchorage? A single highway rolls into another single highway, both running north-south. Does it make sense? Well, no. AK 1 aka “The Seward Highway” runs from Seward north to Anchorage. It goes from a two-lane 55 MPH road (it’s a coastal highway in an area where earthquakes are a given so this makes sense) to a 6-lane 65 MPH highway to a 4-lane “highway” with stoplights. The “C-word” (they do pronounce it Sue-word but I was calling it C-word because I’m a self-entertaining idiot) then runs its course by veering west to the Glenn Highway. There’s a sign indicating the Glenn Highway is coming up but it’s just labeled as “Glenn Highway” not “Glenn Highway next right” – which it wouldn’t be the next one – or “Glenn Highway exit 6th Avenue” – which in Anchorage it is 6th Avenue, then turns into the Glenn Highway once north of Anchorage.
Does this make any sense? No.
Are you a Bears fan? Hell yea, life is a never ending school bus crash! The driver? The quarterback position. The passengers? The souls of us fans! It’s that bleak, and it’s not getting better! Let’s get to the power rankings!
1: Los Angeles RamsContinue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 4”
Sorry for the delay everyone! Brandon is lazy and can’t do copy and paste without having a gun to his head. Enjoy!Continue reading “FBC NFL Mailbag Week 3”
Everything is stupid. The NFL sucks. It’s an evil bitch goddess. God I missed it. Let’s do the week 2 power rankings!
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If you are a fan of any other team in the NFC, Thursday was a truly depressing night. I mean, it doesn’t hurt that the Cowboys actively forgot that you could run the ball, but the Bucs were still game for a boxing match. The NFC still goes through that dumpy swap town.Continue reading “FBC 2021 Power Rankings Week 2”
We are back! With just a week until the first game of the season, i’m back to the do the hard work: to separate the good from the NFC East, and contenders from the Jets. If the 2020 NFL season taught us anything, then it has shown that bad teams are meant to stay bad. Middling teams are meant to stay middling teams. Great teams are meant to stay great teams. Except for the Patriots. They fell down an elevator shaft after Tom Brady left.
This is a quarterback league, and if you are able to get one, then you hang onto them with dear life. For every Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson, there are way more Blaine Gabberts and Christian Ponders. Ending up in quarterback hell means ending up in franchise hell. Here are the last eight Super Bowl championship winning quarterbacks:
Only Carson Wentz stands out as a one hit wonder on a list full of the quarterback equivalent of The Rolling Stones and Beatles.
Every year, I start these previews with the best of intentions. To talk some shit, have some fun, and preview the start of the football season. But by the time I hit the end every year, I want nothing more than to jump into a time machine and beat my own ass for thinking this is a good idea. The end is just me hoping i’m not reusing insults and puns and whatnot.
After this, i’m taking a few days off to not stare at my laptop. Then that will last about a day. Next week, i’m going to be bringing your my division picks, awards candidates, Super bowl pick, and what not. The week after that, i’ll drop my first Power Rankings, which is always going to be a little more sad when I don’t have Adam Gase to make fun of. Additionally, next week, over on Football Absurdity, i’m going to drop my first gambling article of the season, going over every team’s Super Bowl odds. After that, i’ll do a weekly column every Thursday over there an talk about my favorite bets of the gambling week.
That’s what you do when you truly, deeply hate something. You double down and do even more of it! Now let’s check otu the NFC West!Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC West”
Welcome to the AFC West, which is ruled by one team until their quarterback leaves. Outside of the AFC East, this might be the most one sided division in the NFL. In one corner, you have the back to back AFC Champions. In the other three corners, you have a bunch of Barry Horowitz’s that are stepping in buckets and accidentally lighting themselves on fire and stabbing their own players in the lung.
The division is entertaining at the top end, because two of the teams have good quarterbacks. Two of the teams have rusty dildos playing the most important position in football. Those two teams aren’t entertaining. Alright, the week is almost over, lets get through this together. Welcome to the AFC West.Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC West”