One Dipped Beef to Go

One Dipped Beef to Go

There’s a dry-erase calendar hanging up behind me as I begin to write this. It mostly displays my work schedule and reminders of an occasional virtual D&D session. I bought it a couple years ago because I thought having a physical calendar would give me one less thing to rely on my phone for, as if my eyes being constantly glued to a screen would be a calendar’s fault and not the dark, endless ocean of internet garbage. Right now, however, as I write these very words, there’s something different written at the bottom of the calendar: “Days Left: 26”.

I chuckled to myself this morning at how vague it would look to an onlooker, and I laughed even harder knowing that a realtor would be showing my apartment to potential new tenants this afternoon. I considered planting ominous objects near the calendar to further the mystery. Mostly, I contemplated the large dive knife in a shoebox on my closet shelf, as purchasing a spool of rope would perhaps be a bit extravagant and in poor taste. All sight gags aside, the event the countdown represents is not even close to sinister, but it represents one of the most significant events I’ll ever experience; I’m leaving the only area I’ve ever known my whole life to move across the country.

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Jessica Walter 1941-2021

Jessica Walter 1941-2021

It felt like a gut punch. It felt like so many things that I love had died at once. It felt like losing a sharp, foul mouthed family member. It came in a tweet. Things like this always do in this day and age. Jessica Walter, an integral part of my comedy enjoyment over the past two decades had passed away today at the age of 80.

Walter’s career spanned seven decades. Her TV career predates steaming. It predates cable. It even predates the proliferation of color television. Walter starred in memorable television shows over the decades such as FBI, Mannix, Love American Style, The Love Boat, Trapper John MD, and Murder, She Wrote. She won an Emmy in the 1970’s for her role in the show Amy Prentiss.

She was even the mom on Dinosaurs!

But more importantly, she was Mallory Archer.

And EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY than that, she was Lucille Bluth.

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FBC Oscar Coverage, Part V: The Ten Best Oscars of all Time

FBC Oscar Coverage, Part V: The Ten Best Oscars of all Time

It’s snowing in Colorado today. We’re supposed to get somewhere between 18 inches and 3 feet, depending upon what part of the front range your domicile resides. As such, why not give you some great Oscar moments in time.

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FBC Oscar Coverage, Part III: Predicting The Nominees

FBC Oscar Coverage, Part III: Predicting The Nominees

Look, I’m gonna be the first to come out and say that I am terrible at picking Oscar winners. Most years, I’m lucky if I can clear 50%. Nominees, on the other hand… for some strange reason, that’s where I come to play. I can usually knock out 75-80 percent. I’m kind of a big deal.

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FBC Oscar Coverage, Part II: Early Viewing Guide CONTINUED

FBC Oscar Coverage, Part II: Early Viewing Guide CONTINUED

Last week, I gave you ten films that are almost certain to be Oscar nominated in a week. Today I want to focus on five outliers that have shots at taking home some of the nominations in the big categories. Much like the last column, I’ll let you know where you can find these films if you want to check them out. Let’s dive in!

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The NHL Report: First Quarter 2021

I probably should have divided up like periods and done thirds, but as promised I waited until the Avalanche reached game 12, aka 25%ish, to file a report on how the NHL season is going. Twelve games. The season started in early January so my math would have the Avalanche playing game 12 on February 4th. Nope – make that February 14th.

Why the delay? COVID. Five games postponed. I guess since they played Game 12 on Valentine’s Day COVID now stands for Colorado Valentine’s Isolation Day.

“My bloody Valentine…” Sing it with me now.

On another aspect, isolation made sense. The morning temperature on V-Day was a whopping -6˚F at my place. Deep freeze people, deep freeze. COVID has thrown the whole schedule into a blizzard. I wish it were a Dairy Queen one which actually sounds kind of good and my local DQ stays open until midnight and is the size of a Culver’s which is crazy, but alas that is a negative. How is the schedule playing out you ask? Bwa, Ha and Ha. The Vancouver Canucks have played 18 games, the Avalanche 12. The New Jersey Devils? 9.

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Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Three

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Three

My week as an accidental FemDom

Being a femdom/goddess was never my kink or intent. Typically in the bedroom I act as more of a submissive although I do clearly maintain a certain level of control at all times, but I think that’s more a neurotic paranoia thing than a ‘get off by being in control’ type thing. But some fans requested JOI (jerk off instruction) videos and after perusing pornhub (the google of porn), I had a pretty good sense of what they wanted and created some content. One dude took a particular interest in a video where I was wearing a corset and pleather pants ($15.99 from Amazon), and began messaging me for…more. Typically I send a lot of blush face, kiss face, and devil horn smiley face emojis during my OF conversations, but this guy made it clear that what he wanted…what he needed… more than empty emojis was to be verbally assaulted by a woman he found attractive. And thus began my week as a goddess.

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