Welcome to the club! There are over 11 million of us now! I’m sure there is a lot going through your mind. Did you get this from a co worker? Did you get this from having some rough sex? Did you hit the jackpot and get this from having rough sex with a co worker? However it happened, you have a ton going through your mind right now. If you are anything like me, these are your thoughts
Am I going to die? Who did I get it from? Who could I have given it to? If I have to miss work, i’m never going to financially recover from this, Joe Exotic style.
Good news, my scared/curious friends, as someone who got Covid (and still had it after the election when idiots would have had you belief it was going to end), I’m here to guide you through everything you are about to experience. Let’s break down what you are about to go through over the next couple weeks.
Next week, millions of Americans will make the choice to not have large family gatherings for Thanksgiving. Granted, millions will also decide to go ahead and pretend like nothing is different, which is why we will be in a lockdown until Joe Biden’s second term as president.
On Saturday, I said that there was no worse group of people on Facebook than the people who said that COVID would somehow mysteriously disappear the day after the election (fun fact: it has not). Well, it looks like there is a new group out there and they’re giving the COVID dickheads a real run for their money.
It seems like the 2020 election would be the perfect time to shake things up.
For the GOP, there are a vocal and noticeable group of voters looking to separate themselves from President Trump and his policies and rhetoric and stupid face. For the DNC, there is an overwhelming wave of apathy for the Biden/Harris ticket on social media which leaves one to believe that this will be the 800th election in a row where the youth vote chooses to “sit it out”.
This is the perfect time to look third party; someone who can come and unite the disenfranchised and bring people together. Someone who can say, “The two party system has not had your best interest at heart for decades, possibly centuries!” Someone who can bring real change to a nation in dire need of exactly that. And there’s no better party to do so than the Libertarian Party, a political organization which seems to be the right group and the right time.
However, the Libertarian Party has given us Jo Fucking Jorgensen, which means it’s gonna be another election where almost no one is happy.
Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.
Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.
Let’s Get Started!
How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic? -Food and Wine Magazine
I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?
Last week, right before their team fell into a sexual harassment fueled chaos, the Washington professional football team announced they would be changing their team name. Owner and noted C.H.U.D. Daniel Snyder said that a group within the organization had determined that was the best thing for the organization. This is, of course, radioactive bullshit. They are changing the name because the team wants a new stadium on the site of the old RFK Stadium in Washington, DC proper. That stadium is considered a historical site, and the city wouldn’t give it to him to build a new stadium unless he changed the team name. There’s always a reason assholes try to make themselves look “not so assholey.” This will not be the only time the government has had to step in to make this team do the right thing. More on that in a minute.
HBO has always lived by the slogan that they are “not tv”. They’re something more, something better, and for the most part, they’ve lived up to that by going above and beyond. They don’t just give us a little show about dragons, they gave us Game Of Thrones. They just didn’t give us a crime show, they gave us two of the best ever with The Wire and The Sopranos. They didn’t just give usa new Perry Mason, they gave us a Perry Mason that fuuuuuuucks. (Author’s note: my wife says I talk about this too much.)
Veep. Curb Your Enthusiasm. True Blood. Last year, HBO received 137 Emmys nominations, which was 20 higher than the next highest network (to show you dominance, NBC finished in third with 57). Anything anyone can do, they can do better… and then they do it.
When HBO launched HBO Max on May 27th, everyone expected something special. For the most part, it’s pretty great. They’ve teamed up with Warner Brothers, New Line, DC Entertainment, Turner Movie Classics, Adult Swim, and others to give an amazing amount of content for it’s viewers. Considering we’re in a global pandemic, more content is a very, very good thing to most of us.
But they need to fire the person who arranged their movies. And they need to fire them today.
According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.
We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.
But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.
Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…
Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!
Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin
As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up. I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant. Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.
They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.
Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.
And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?
So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?