Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.

Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.

It seems like the 2020 election would be the perfect time to shake things up.

For the GOP, there are a vocal and noticeable group of voters looking to separate themselves from President Trump and his policies and rhetoric and stupid face. For the DNC, there is an overwhelming wave of apathy for the Biden/Harris ticket on social media which leaves one to believe that this will be the 800th election in a row where the youth vote chooses to “sit it out”.

This is the perfect time to look third party; someone who can come and unite the disenfranchised and bring people together. Someone who can say, “The two party system has not had your best interest at heart for decades, possibly centuries!” Someone who can bring real change to a nation in dire need of exactly that. And there’s no better party to do so than the Libertarian Party, a political organization which seems to be the right group and the right time.

However, the Libertarian Party has given us Jo Fucking Jorgensen, which means it’s gonna be another election where almost no one is happy.

Don’t worry, though. I can fix everything.

Continue reading “Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.”

Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.

Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.

Let’s Get Started!

How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic?
-Food and Wine Magazine

I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?

Continue reading “Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition”

Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots, An Ongoing Series: Sports Team Name Edition

Last week, right before their team fell into a sexual harassment fueled chaos, the Washington professional football team announced they would be changing their team name. Owner and noted C.H.U.D. Daniel Snyder said that a group within the organization had determined that was the best thing for the organization. This is, of course, radioactive bullshit. They are changing the name because the team wants a new stadium on the site of the old RFK Stadium in Washington, DC proper. That stadium is considered a historical site, and the city wouldn’t give it to him to build a new stadium unless he changed the team name. There’s always a reason assholes try to make themselves look “not so assholey.” This will not be the only time the government has had to step in to make this team do the right thing. More on that in a minute.

Continue reading “Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots, An Ongoing Series: Sports Team Name Edition”

Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…

Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…

HBO has always lived by the slogan that they are “not tv”. They’re something more, something better, and for the most part, they’ve lived up to that by going above and beyond. They don’t just give us a little show about dragons, they gave us Game Of Thrones. They just didn’t give us a crime show, they gave us two of the best ever with The Wire and The Sopranos. They didn’t just give us a new Perry Mason, they gave us a Perry Mason that fuuuuuuucks. (Author’s note: my wife says I talk about this too much.)

Veep. Curb Your Enthusiasm. True Blood. Last year, HBO received 137 Emmys nominations, which was 20 higher than the next highest network (to show you dominance, NBC finished in third with 57). Anything anyone can do, they can do better… and then they do it.

When HBO launched HBO Max on May 27th, everyone expected something special. For the most part, it’s pretty great. They’ve teamed up with Warner Brothers, New Line, DC Entertainment, Turner Movie Classics, Adult Swim, and others to give an amazing amount of content for it’s viewers. Considering we’re in a global pandemic, more content is a very, very good thing to most of us.

But they need to fire the person who arranged their movies. And they need to fire them today.

Continue reading “Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…”

Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked

Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked

According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.

We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.

But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.

Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…

Continue reading “Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked”

Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!

Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin

As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up.
I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant.
Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.

Continue reading “Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition”

The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.

Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.

And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?

So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?

Let’s get into it.

Continue reading “The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes”

Eating Totally Healthy during the Pandemic is for Suckers

There’s been, naturally and uber-naturally, a whole mouthful of talk about making sure you eat healthy during the pandemic – chow down on fresh fruits and veggies; make room for the legumes; make meat a treat.

It certainly makes some semblance of sense. Eating within some ballpark frank of health should be some sort of priority, for chances are most of you (not me of course) are spending some serious wads of time creating prodigious dents in your couch punching the clock watching HBO, Showtime, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Hulu, or Netflix.

By the way, anybody watch Ozark on Netflix? Holy crap what a delicious combination of the nasty smart and nasty dumb. Hillbillies and High-End crime are such a tasty combination!

OK, back to food. First, clasp hands and thank the Lord of Lard. Everything with taste has some sort of fat in it. Fight me all you want, but you know I am 135% correct.

Yeah, I’m putting nature’s bounty down my gullet, but c’mon, people. What do you want me to do? Try to turn my diet on a dime into chewing on Kale like a cow with its cud and letting absolutely no one know I’m the king of cuisine? Oh hell no. No one wants to see me post recipes of nasty-ass Kale dishes on social media.

KaledisplayChowhound

Speaking of Kale, are you aware Kale was once just a decoration (see above pic), a hard wave of green they’d put in and around buffets to try to gussy them up? Yeah, that was Kale – and now people are eating it rather than the vat of delicious banana pudding that somehow snuck its way into the salad bar section. Which, has an aside, I would like to meet the Dr. Evil of the Buffet who decided puddings were best placed in the salad section. Marketing genius.

Continue reading “Eating Totally Healthy during the Pandemic is for Suckers”

Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…

Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…

A while ago, I went ahead and purchased a garage door opener. It found a good deal for a well-reviewed opener. According to the manual and everything I read, it should take about two hours to install this bad boy. Two weeks after opening the box, I was still working on it. And, in doing so, this task led me to face all of my old anxieties and fears and forced me to look in the mirror and question my masculinity.

This is one of those rabbit holes that is impossible for me to stop falling down once even a miniscule amount of momentum has begun. I hate that I let this happen and I hate what it says about me.

More importantly, however, I fucking hate this goddamned garage door opener.

Continue reading “Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…”

Give Me Power

Give Me Power

There is no good reason to vote for Biden. I’ve read the arguments, and I’ve been trying to find one that exists within a moral framework, but it doesn’t exist. Biden is a shitbag ’90s Republican and Republicans are, at best, amoral.

There is reason to vote for Biden; he is not Trump. The end. “Biden is not Trump” is not a good reason to vote for someone, it is just a reason. Stop trying to convince me there is anything behind a vote for Biden aside from that. He has no policy positions that I can support, because he has no policies at all. Feel free to argue that he does — he has a website with some on it — but for fuck’s sake, he has a history, we know what that is, and it’s shit. Should he become President, he will continue to be shit. He’s as corrupt as everyone else, he’s a patriarchal moron, and he will absolutely cave to the Republicans at every opportunity. If you can’t see that, you haven’t been paying attention.

Continue reading “Give Me Power”