Author: Brandon Andreasen

Everyone thinks they are going to age gracefully. Each of us believes that we will be the ones to stare down the cold hand of death and rebel against it by keeping up with the latest trends, listening to the newest music, and doing what them young folks be doin’. To say the least, this is an appalling afront to the sensibilities of everyone who grew up and opted to age gracefully. Today, I saw an old man in skinny jeans, boots, and a shirt that should be worn by someone four decades his junior. He was wearing Warby Parker glasses that would make Andy Warhol blush. He had a french bulldog following him as if it were father time, waiting for him to kick the bucket from drinking too much Red Bull.

It should go without saying that this man did not look cool. This man did not look hip. This man looked like he saw what hip was, thought to himself “Well, this will make me look like the coolest person at the Homeowners Association Meeting” and went for it. He thought he was going to stand at the mountaintop of fashion and look down on his suburban counterparts with a stylish contempt. Instead, he went off the cliff, full-on Thelma and Louise style. Just full yeet.