Sweet merciful shit. Every team from 8-20 is pretty much interchangeable. This is all just a big fuckaround. Am I going to do memes? Will I write a haiku for every team? Will I give actual analysis? Will I just do 32 different gifs of Kid Rock? Should I rank everyone based on their special teams? What about their DVOA?
After a week off, we are back! Matt Drufke is feeding Brandon Andreasen and Brian Roman questions about what we have seen in the NFL and what is going on moving forward. As always, there will be Shakira references, because there is no god.
To make up for the fact that nobody seems to be reading the words I have to say, i’m going to try a different tact. This week, every team is going to be represented by a meme I made of them. That’ll show you illiterates! I made all of these memes myself, which it turns out is mind numbingly dumb. Congrats to all the people who make memes all day only to have the Grape Juice Boys steal from them. You guys are the real heroes.
Are you a Bears fan? Hell yea, life is a never ending school bus crash! The driver? The quarterback position. The passengers? The souls of us fans! It’s that bleak, and it’s not getting better! Let’s get to the power rankings!
Set fire to the infinite. We are destined to have a season where 20 teams finish 9-8 or 8-9. It’s not the future we want. But it’s the future we will get. Let’s do the week three power rankings.
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 touchdown passes this season, and Rob Gronkowski is on pace for 34 of them. I’m not saying this will happen, but i’ve given up on the concept of believing it might not happen with this goddamn warlock and his forever frat bro tight end.
Let me start by first saying the obvious: Fuck Cancer. Let me continue by saying something else that is obvious: Norm Macdonald was one of the best, smartest, and most loved comedians that ever lived. The way he told jokes put him in a class all of his own. He never seemed to care about the trends of comedy. He never mattered much for kissing the ring of the latest sensation in stand up. For nearly five decades, he just went out and was quintessentially Norm Macdonald, a character nobody else could possibly play.
Everything is stupid. The NFL sucks. It’s an evil bitch goddess. God I missed it. Let’s do the week 2 power rankings!
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If you are a fan of any other team in the NFC, Thursday was a truly depressing night. I mean, it doesn’t hurt that the Cowboys actively forgot that you could run the ball, but the Bucs were still game for a boxing match. The NFC still goes through that dumpy swap town.
We are back! With just a week until the first game of the season, i’m back to the do the hard work: to separate the good from the NFC East, and contenders from the Jets. If the 2020 NFL season taught us anything, then it has shown that bad teams are meant to stay bad. Middling teams are meant to stay middling teams. Great teams are meant to stay great teams. Except for the Patriots. They fell down an elevator shaft after Tom Brady left.
This is a quarterback league, and if you are able to get one, then you hang onto them with dear life. For every Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson, there are way more Blaine Gabberts and Christian Ponders. Ending up in quarterback hell means ending up in franchise hell. Here are the last eight Super Bowl championship winning quarterbacks: Tom Brady Patrick Mahomes Tom Brady Carson Wentz Tom Brady Peyton Manning Tom Brady Russell Wilson Only Carson Wentz stands out as a one hit wonder on a list full of the quarterback equivalent of The Rolling Stones and Beatles.