Brandon Andreasen

Fancy Boys Club NFL Power Rankings Week 2

September 15, 2020September 15, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

If you know me well, you know i’m a sports fanatic. It’s in my blood. It’s tattooed on my body. I love to watch it. I love to talk about it. I love to read about it. I love to write about it. I really love to write about it. Almost nobody read me last year, but that didn’t mean I didn’t write tens of thousands of words each week across a couple websites. It gave me an excuse to watch football every week and espouse my football virtures on the internets. Then it almost didn’t happen this year.

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food

Wahlburgers Is a Goddamn Disaster

August 14, 2020August 9, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Thanks to a television show, name recognition, and a fairly aggressive national roll out, you have assuredly heard of Wahlburgers restaurant. The name sake of the Wahlberg brothers, it has pushed it’s way into the fast casual landscape with it’s selections of burgers and chicken. It’s newest location is in St. Charles, Illinois. Coincidentally, myself and my brother were in the neighborhood, thanks to a Facebook marketplace related impulse buy by my brother. Jukebox in hand, we decided to the new Wahlburgers. And as you can tell by the title, it was a goddamn disaster.

Some things can be excused. For example: this location had been open for less than a week. We showed up at 11:20 AM, after they had been open for only twenty minutes. There were a lot of employees with a questionable amount of training. Covid.

You probably needed another week to train up staff, BABY!

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Uncategorized

Yes, A Hot Dog IS a Sandwich: A Rebuttal

August 11, 2020August 11, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Yesterday, Michael Grace came on this website, spreading absolute blasphemy, trying to use science and whatnot to tell the scared, huddled masses that a hot dog is not a sandwich. This kind of elitism will not stand here at Fancy Boys Club. While our name might give you thoughts of men with top hats and monocles, we are actually a very blue collar bunch. We like the simpler things in life. Among those things are an encased tube of various pig parts, cooked well, topped with whatever condiments you can find that aren’t called Ketchup, and we like to eat that hot dog with a domestic beer on a warm, summer day. 10

We are a country that invented everything great, and stole everything we didn’t invent to claim as our own. We are about freedom, drinking, and arguing. But there is one thing there is no arguement for: HOT DOGS ARE A SANDWICH.

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Advice, Comedy

Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

August 10, 2020August 9, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.

Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise ~~working as a chef in Paris for three years~~ at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.

Let’s Get Started!

How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic?
-Food and Wine Magazine

I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?

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Sports, Wrestling

Kamala The Ugandan Giant (James Harris) 1950-2020

August 9, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Wrestling has always been built on stereotypes. Anyone that looks vaguely eastern European could be booked as a menacing Russian. Asian wrestlers were often booked as karate stars or dressed like ninjas. Black wrestlers would run the gambit of stereotypes over the years, whether it be Bobo Brazil and Junkyard Dogs would play benign good guys, who had to play up their friendliness to get largely white crowds to let their guard down. Koko B Ware wore loud, colorful clothing to represent what Vince McMahon believed to be black MTV culture. On the other side of this was James Harris, who would fleeting and middling success following the good guy route, but would reach national fame playing an African savage to oppose some of the biggest stars of WWF’s golden era.

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Sports

Baseball Is Destined To Screw This Up

July 29, 2020July 28, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

There seems to be a prerequisite in Major League Baseball, where the commisioner needs to be worse than the previous man in charge. Peter Ueberroth colluded with owners (notably White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf) to suppress the amount of money players could get in free agency. Bart Giammati died 154 days into his tenure (the William Henry Harrison of baseball). Fay Vincent let the owners lock out the players. Bud Selig made All Star games count (not in a good way), let noted skin flint Jeffrey Loria ruin baseball in Montreal, get paid for the honor, only to see him buy the Marlins and do it all over again. He also helped ruin baseball for years with the 1994 strike and then turned a blind eye to steroid abuse when the money started flowing again.

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Advice, Comedy

Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots, An Ongoing Series: Sports Team Name Edition

July 20, 2020July 19, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Last week, right before their team fell into a sexual harassment fueled chaos, the Washington professional football team announced they would be changing their team name. Owner and noted C.H.U.D. Daniel Snyder said that a group within the organization had determined that was the best thing for the organization. This is, of course, radioactive bullshit. They are changing the name because the team wants a new stadium on the site of the old RFK Stadium in Washington, DC proper. That stadium is considered a historical site, and the city wouldn’t give it to him to build a new stadium unless he changed the team name. There’s always a reason assholes try to make themselves look “not so assholey.” This will not be the only time the government has had to step in to make this team do the right thing. More on that in a minute.

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Uncategorized

Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series

July 15, 2020July 15, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Some of you are goddamn idiots. Some of you have always been dumb. For some, the stresses of work in this current environment have made you dumb. For others, the monotony of the quarantine have made you dumb.

One thing IS for sure, though…social media has made some of you unequivocally, irredeemably dumb.

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Advice

Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked

July 8, 2020July 7, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.

We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.

But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.

Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…

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Comedy

The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 5 and 6

July 8, 2020July 7, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!

5.Cheese Product

Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti

I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.

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