By securing defeat in their final regular season game, along with some absolute god tier coaching by now former Houston Texans coach Lovie Smith, the Chicago Bears hold all of the proverbial chips in the NFL off-season, as they now have the first pick in the NFL draft to go along with 100+ million dollars in free agent money.
Continue reading “The Chicago Bears Got The First Pick In the NFL Draft. Now What?”Author: Brandon Andreasen
Football Gambling Writer. Comedy Writer
Twitter: @awfulmusicfacts
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FBC NFL Power Rankings 3/4 Season Edition
It seems like just yesterday that I lost interest in writing a weekly power ranking of NFL teams that you could find on literally any sports website (albeit less funny and witty). Then I blinked and suddenly the season is 75% done. If you are a Bears fan like me, the season was over the moment they chose to draft Kyler Gordon and Velus Jones over, you know, players with talent. If you are a Packers fan, your season didn’t end until Aaron Rodgers started acting like he had been shot every time someone touched him. If you are a fan of the Eagles, then your season is very much still alive.
Now that we are past Thanksgiving and headlong into the Mariah Carey soundtracked Christmas hellscape, it’s time to take a look at every team based on my patented Adam Gase Scale. For those that don’t remember, Gase is one of the worst coaches in NFL history, and managed to get hired by the Jets to be head coach even after he had been discovered to be a fraud. The more Adam Gases on the Adam Gase scale, the worse a team is.
Continue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings 3/4 Season Edition”How To Be A Working Comic
1: Go-to as many mics as possible.
2: Refine your set. Know what works in 5 minute intervals. You will always get a 5, 10, 15, or 20 minute spot.
3: Never say you can do a ten if you only have a five. Your crowd work ISNT that good.
4: Be A good person. Just be cool with fellow comics and you will develop friendships from there
5: Be patient. None of this comes overnight. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the mics.
6: Comedy isn’t a race. If you see people getting spots ahead of you, that’s fine. Comedy is 90% sitting around and waiting, and 5% hoping people like your spot. If you love comedy, and are committed to being apart of it, then don’t stress everyone else. Trust your material. Write constantly. Find your voice. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all in it together.
7: Above all else: have as much fun as possible. Trust me. Everything ends. The waiting for your turn. Going to the bars after shows with fellow comics. Sets in Bradley that nobody sees. It’s all worth it.
Love every fucking minute of it.
Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or GWAR?
It’s a well known fact to both casual and hardcore Taylor Swift fans that she got her start in “The Toilet Nashville” the preeminent all girls GWAR cover band in the preeminent bachelorette party town in the country. It’s canon in Swift fandom that she went by the pseudonym Swiftcake The Mighty. After the band broke up due to creative differences, Swift would go on to have one of the most successful singles act careers in the history of terrible music.
What isn’t brought up as much, due to Swift and her army’s maniacal desire to hide this part of her musical history by scrubbing the internet by only clicking on posts about Taylor that are in Teen Vogue, is that there is a very noticeable influence in the lyrics that Taylor Swift has manufactured for her and the lyrics of the band she once vomited on people at Acme Feed and Seed in honor of.
Now, with the release of Taylor Swift’s newest album Midnight, lets play everyone’s favorite game!
How hard is it to tell the difference between a Taylor Swift lyric and a Gwar lyric? Let’s find out by playing WHOSE LYRIC IS IT? TAYLOR SWIFT OR GWAR?!?
Continue reading “Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or GWAR?”Potential New White Sox Managers, Ranked
It seems like just yesterday that I was speechless. I, like many others, were caught completely off guard two years ago by the report from noted MLB stooge, USA Today lackey, and Jerry Reinsdorf henchman Bob Nightengale, that the White Sox were looking at bringing back noted septuagenarian Tony La Russa to coach the Chicago White Sox. The very same La Russa who had more recently made headlines by getting DUI’s and having dumb opinions about protesting, than had actually coached a major league baseball game. Yet, there his name was, in some form of karmic nonsense, being attached to Chicago because the owner was trying to make right the issues of four decades prior.
Continue reading “Potential New White Sox Managers, Ranked”3 For the Road: Clerks III Review
For people of a certain age, the Kevin Smith universe is one in which most have at least stepped foot in. From the original Clerks, to it’s sequel, to all the movies that are (relatively) canon, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, millions are familiar with the interactions and catchphrases set in suburban New Jersey. The characters and in jokes that criss cross the landscape created by Smith. But as all things, there must be an ending. Why did it have to be so damn sad?
***There are no real spoilers in this review. Not totally sure you would believe me, anyway***
Continue reading “3 For the Road: Clerks III Review”Fancy Boys Club 2022 NFL Power Rankings Week 2
Week one of the NFL season is usually a high variant week because our impressions of teams are based on nothing more than assumptions, predictions, and results from a year ago. Even given that, week one of the NFL season this year was absolutely bonkers. From 2:30 PM-4:00 PM CST on Sunday is why Redzone exists. If you were watching, you saw the Browns win a game at the buzzer against the Panthers on a 55 yard field goal by a kicker in his first career game. Then you saw the Bengals and Steelers kickers lose their absolute minds and run a game down to the wire that should have ended no fewer than five times. Then the Saints went down field at the end of regulation to kick what should have been a game winning field goal, only to have Atlanta get into range in 15 seconds before the Saints blocked a game winning field goal attempt. Then you got to watch an absolute embarrassment between the Texans and the Colts. Then you got to watch Patrick Mahomes starting to absolutely and surgically ruin the Cardinals.
It’s going to be a fun season.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Club 2022 NFL Power Rankings Week 2”Two Ships Keep Passing in the Night, But Never in the Same Direction
On Sunday night, All Elite Wrestling, the upstart promotion run by Tony Khan, the son of Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shad Khan, had their biggest event of the year at Now Arena in Hoffman Estates, IL. Odds are, though, if you have heard anything about the proceedings of the evening, you aren’t aware of the wrestling so much as the post show fire bombing of the company by newly crowned champion CM Punk.
For those that know the Lockport, IL born wrestler, he is a soothsayer and a truth teller. He is a great wrestler and gatekeeper of the sport, but also acerbic and short tempered with those he feels has crossed him or wronged him in any way. He is as notable for his promos as he is for much of what he has done in the ring. On Sunday night, he decided to light an M-80 and throw it into the AEW toilet to see how hard he could blow it all up.
Continue reading “Two Ships Keep Passing in the Night, But Never in the Same Direction”Fancy Boys Club 2022 NFL Power Rankings Week 1
Welcome back to the Fancy Boys Club Power Rankings! Let’s hope I don’t lose interest and I keep it up the entire season. We are less than two weeks until the NFL season and teams have survived the preseason without much in terms of major injuries, with the notable exception of the Baltimore Ravens mascot.
The 2022 season will start after one of the most unprecedented offseasons in league history. For those who weren’t keeping track, Aaron Rodgers did his yearly asshat routine before coming back to the Packers. The team showed their appreciation by trading Davante Adams to the Raiders. Abstinence advocate Russell Wilson was traded to a Broncos team that suddenly looks more dangerous with an NFL quarterback behind center. Massage enthusiast and noted sexual predator Deshaun Watson escaped Houston by being traded to one of the most morally bankrupt teams in a league full of them, then got suspended for 2/3 of the season. Tom Brady retired, definitely tried going to Miami until the hole they were digging themselves into got too deep, then returned to Tampa. The Chiefs sent Tyreke Hill to the Dolphins, and he proceeded to say a bunch of dumb things to the media. A year after trading multiple draft picks for Carson Wentz, every “well, actually” football fan’s favorite quarterback this side of Kirk Cousins, the Colts jettisoned him to Washington and traded for whatever is left of Matt Ryan. And the Eagles traded for AJ Brown so they can watch Jalen Hurts throw the ball way over his head on every ten yard out pattern.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Club 2022 NFL Power Rankings Week 1”Will Taylor Swift’s New Album Be Good? A Brief Investigation
No.
Fancy Boys Club 