Welcome to the club! There are over 11 million of us now! I’m sure there is a lot going through your mind. Did you get this from a co worker? Did you get this from having some rough sex? Did you hit the jackpot and get this from having rough sex with a co worker? However it happened, you have a ton going through your mind right now. If you are anything like me, these are your thoughts
Am I going to die? Who did I get it from? Who could I have given it to? If I have to miss work, i’m never going to financially recover from this, Joe Exotic style.
Good news, my scared/curious friends, as someone who got Covid (and still had it after the election when idiots would have had you belief it was going to end), I’m here to guide you through everything you are about to experience. Let’s break down what you are about to go through over the next couple weeks.
In light of Sunday’s revelation that Donald Trump not only doesn’t pay taxes, but isn’t actually rich, it is worth remembering that it is the NFL’s fault that this governmental hellscape has befallen us. And no, i’m not referring to his fuming about players kneeling.
In 2014, Donald Trump wanted to purchase the Buffalo Bills. He wasn’t allowed to buy the team. Anyone care to guess why? You all know how Trump has gone to incredible lengths to hide his tax returns? He wasn’t so lucky when it came to the NFL. He wasn’t allowed to hide his tax returns to the NFL because they would have just told him to fuck off and sell the team to someone else. Then the NFL saw Trump’s tax returns and told Trump to fuck off and sold the team to someone else.
There was a time back before the internet, Sportscenter, Gene Michael’s Sports Machine, and other cable networks that the only way to catch your favorite sports highlights from around the world was to watch ABC’s Wide World of Sports. Starting in 1961, the show spent 37 years bringing highlights from the biggest baseball, football, basketball and hockey games. It was also the show that helped make Evel Knievel famous. He defied death numerous times while the show’s cameras were watching, and became insanely famous because of it. Along with great moments of sports achievements, they also showed epic fails. Race cars and skiers crashing. Runners stumbling over hurdles in big moments. It was a little bit of everything. It was famously known for it’s introduction at the beginning of every show, which said “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.”
This weekend, I experienced the gambling agony of defeat. Over. And. Over.
If you know me well, you know i’m a sports fanatic. It’s in my blood. It’s tattooed on my body. I love to watch it. I love to talk about it. I love to read about it. I love to write about it. I really love to write about it. Almost nobody read me last year, but that didn’t mean I didn’t write tens of thousands of words each week across a couple websites. It gave me an excuse to watch football every week and espouse my football virtures on the internets. Then it almost didn’t happen this year.
Thanks to a television show, name recognition, and a fairly aggressive national roll out, you have assuredly heard of Wahlburgers restaurant. The name sake of the Wahlberg brothers, it has pushed it’s way into the fast casual landscape with it’s selections of burgers and chicken. It’s newest location is in St. Charles, Illinois. Coincidentally, myself and my brother were in the neighborhood, thanks to a Facebook marketplace related impulse buy by my brother. Jukebox in hand, we decided to the new Wahlburgers. And as you can tell by the title, it was a goddamn disaster.
Some things can be excused. For example: this location had been open for less than a week. We showed up at 11:20 AM, after they had been open for only twenty minutes. There were a lot of employees with a questionable amount of training. Covid.
Yesterday, Michael Grace came on this website, spreading absolute blasphemy, trying to use science and whatnot to tell the scared, huddled masses that a hot dog is not a sandwich. This kind of elitism will not stand here at Fancy Boys Club. While our name might give you thoughts of men with top hats and monocles, we are actually a very blue collar bunch. We like the simpler things in life. Among those things are an encased tube of various pig parts, cooked well, topped with whatever condiments you can find that aren’t called Ketchup, and we like to eat that hot dog with a domestic beer on a warm, summer day. 10
We are a country that invented everything great, and stole everything we didn’t invent to claim as our own. We are about freedom, drinking, and arguing. But there is one thing there is no arguement for: HOT DOGS ARE A SANDWICH.
Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.
Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.
Let’s Get Started!
How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic? -Food and Wine Magazine
I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?
Wrestling has always been built on stereotypes. Anyone that looks vaguely eastern European could be booked as a menacing Russian. Asian wrestlers were often booked as karate stars or dressed like ninjas. Black wrestlers would run the gambit of stereotypes over the years, whether it be Bobo Brazil and Junkyard Dogs would play benign good guys, who had to play up their friendliness to get largely white crowds to let their guard down. Koko B Ware wore loud, colorful clothing to represent what Vince McMahon believed to be black MTV culture. On the other side of this was James Harris, who would fleeting and middling success following the good guy route, but would reach national fame playing an African savage to oppose some of the biggest stars of WWF’s golden era.
There seems to be a prerequisite in Major League Baseball, where the commisioner needs to be worse than the previous man in charge. Peter Ueberroth colluded with owners (notably White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf) to suppress the amount of money players could get in free agency. Bart Giammati died 154 days into his tenure (the William Henry Harrison of baseball). Fay Vincent let the owners lock out the players. Bud Selig made All Star games count (not in a good way), let noted skin flint Jeffrey Loria ruin baseball in Montreal, get paid for the honor, only to see him buy the Marlins and do it all over again. He also helped ruin baseball for years with the 1994 strike and then turned a blind eye to steroid abuse when the money started flowing again.
Last week, right before their team fell into a sexual harassment fueled chaos, the Washington professional football team announced they would be changing their team name. Owner and noted C.H.U.D. Daniel Snyder said that a group within the organization had determined that was the best thing for the organization. This is, of course, radioactive bullshit. They are changing the name because the team wants a new stadium on the site of the old RFK Stadium in Washington, DC proper. That stadium is considered a historical site, and the city wouldn’t give it to him to build a new stadium unless he changed the team name. There’s always a reason assholes try to make themselves look “not so assholey.” This will not be the only time the government has had to step in to make this team do the right thing. More on that in a minute.