Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

A lot has changed in our world over the past year. It seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. The country is on the verge of falling apart. Arizona, Florida, and Texas are getting exactly what they deserve for not believing in Science. An election that could tear us apart is on the horizon. Every sport’s short term future is threatened. But one thing hasn’t changed. A sports moment that brings everyone together in a moment of joy.

July 1st is, of course, the day that the New York Mets have to pay Bobby Bonilla a million dollars.

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The Long Slow Dance Is Over: Cam Newton is a Patriot

The Long Slow Dance Is Over: Cam Newton is a Patriot

When Coronavirus shut the world down, it also shut down the NFL rumor mill a bit. Free agency was all but over, already. The quarterback carousel had spun and there were some winners (Jameis Winston getting to chase a ring in New Orleans) and some losers (the Bears thinking Nick Foles is anything but an older, less mobile Mitch Trubisky). Everyone had pretty well set themselves and were preparing for the relative quiet before the storm of the NFL Draft, mini camps, training camps, and the NFL season.

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Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

So, it’s finally come to this. First, Covid-19 came for us. Then, it came for our businesses. Now, it’s coming for our right to get menacingly drunk on our flights to Tallahassee.

A host of airlines have made the decision in light of social distancing measures to limit and/or ban alcohol on their domestic flights. This, of course, is absolute hell to people such as myself who are 6’4 and need alcohol to fit themselves into coach and have the patience to not punch the pant load in front of them who decided to lean their chair back as far as possible while they jam Cheez It’s into their fat gullet while their asshole kids sit quietly, knowing that their only opportunity at Cheez It’s will be if their bastard father falls asleep.

So far, American Airlines and Delta have gotten rid of drink service domestically, while foreign carriers such as Virgin Air and British Airways have also axed their alcohol service in the short term. While some will continue serving food and drink to the lucky ones who sit in first class, everyone else will be subjected to no alcohol, expired corned hash, and crackers, all of which will be thrown at them from a safe distance, most likely through a moderately powered t shirt cannon.

While this could all be temporary and things might return to normal soon, it might be time to start to consider that this is just another step that the airlines are making to turn their planes into combat style thunder domes at 30k feet. The seats are too small? All part of their plan. Broken everything on the planes? Even better. No alcohol to loosen people up? Alcohol carts have been replaced by swords and tridents.

FIRST RULE OF FLYING FRONTIER AIRLINES IS YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FRONTIER AIRLINES!!!

In these trying times, we don’t need less alcohol. We need more. Mile High Prohibition is the path towards perdition. Nothing good happened to this country during Prohibition. Crime was up. Murder rates were up. Mobs ran everything. Baseball was still just fat white guys. The television was still decades from being invented. Betty White was born two years into prohibition, and would not gain popularity until way after it was repealed.

If nothing else, this brings us one step closer to the traveler’s manifest destiny: BYOB Airlines. That’s right. Anything you buy at the Duty Free Store is absolutely fair game. And Duty Free Stores can sell beer, too. Turn airplanes into a TGI Fridays in the sky. Save money on flight attendants by replacing them with blenders and margarita machines.

During times of trouble is when people are at their best. Do the right thing, Delta. OPEN. FUCKING. BAR. IN THE SKY.

Long Gone Summer Was Truly, Truly Awful

Long Gone Summer Was Truly, Truly Awful

ESPN has made their mark over the last decade by making sports documentaries that tell fantastic stories, often going deeper than fans could ever expect. The bar was set even higher this spring when The Last Dance was released. The epic 10 part series was “must watch” viewing for sports fans and became event television, with the conversations happening on Twitter bringing the documentary to another level. During The Last Dance, ESPN announced that they had more documentaries coming out. Expectations were extremely high for Long Gone Summer, the documentary that would go in about the epic 1998 Home Run chase between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. And then the documentary was released on Sunday…and it sucked ferociously.

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I Really Wanted to Like The King of Staten Island

I Really Wanted to Like The King of Staten Island

With everything going on in the world, entertainment is even more of an escape than normal. That could be why I just didn’t enjoy The King of Staten Island. It felt a little too real and cut a little too deep to be an escape. Also, Pete Davidson plays one of the more unlikable people to be a protagonist in a movie in a long time. He is kind of a benign, stoner version of Adam Sandler’s character in Uncut Gems. At the end of Uncut Gems, though, Sandler felt the repercussions of his hubris. Davidson just kind of keeps floating on.

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Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!

Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin

As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up.
I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant.
Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.

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Yes, Major League Baseball IS Trying to Shoot Itself in the Dick

Yes, Major League Baseball IS Trying to Shoot Itself in the Dick

On Wednesday, the NBA announced they would be returning to in-game action at the end of July. The day before, Major League Soccer avoided a labor stoppage by signing a new collective bargaining agreement, paving the way to return in the fall. The NHL already revealed they would be having a 24 team tournament to determine a league champion. NASCAR has been rolling along as the only professional sport of any interest going right now. Six weeks from training camp, and the NFL has a scandal over kneeling for the flag, so they are right on schedule to start their season. All over the country, sports leagues are finding ways to get going and started again. Be it with empty stadiums, central locations, or any other manner to make sure they have seasons.

Then there is Major League Baseball. During a regular year, they would be cruising into the summer, ready to be the only sport active most days. Instead, owners and players are in a dick waving contest, with the players trying to shove their dicks into a mouse trap, and the owners flat out trying to shoot their dicks off.

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Is This How Democracy Ends?

Is This How Democracy Ends?

I wish I could write something inspiring. I wish I could write something that could bring people together. I wish I could write something that would at least make people stop and think. But I can’t. I am nobody. I’m just a speck on this earth. An organism that just happens to exist to see Democracy die.

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The 25 Most Iconic Baseball Cards of All Time

The 25 Most Iconic Baseball Cards of All Time

Baseball cards act as an heirloom to the youth of many generations of children who would collect their favorite players, endlessly reading the backs of the cards, learning the stats, and wishing they could grow up to be that player. Though the times have changed, baseball cards are still a prominent industry. With the proliferation of group breaks and the ability to purchase cards from around the world, the sports card industry is still very popular.

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Little Richard, the Architect of Rock and Roll 1932-2020

Little Richard, the Architect of Rock and Roll 1932-2020

Richard Wayne Penniman, better known to the musical world as jubilant, innovating rock star Little Richard, passed away on Saturday at the age of 87 after succumbing to cancer. One of 12 children born to a moonshine selling, club owning Georgia deacon, Richard would go on to be one of the most recognizable pioneers of the early days of Rock and Roll.

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