Thanksgiving Isn’t Really That Great: Reasons To Stay Home This Year

Next week, millions of Americans will make the choice to not have large family gatherings for Thanksgiving. Granted, millions will also decide to go ahead and pretend like nothing is different, which is why we will be in a lockdown until Joe Biden’s second term as president.

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The Next 50 Stars: My Plan To Get America To 100 States

The Next 50 Stars: My Plan To Get America To 100 States

One of the most ridiculous stories to come from President Trump’s first term was when he tried to purchase Greenland, presumably to make it another state (or, at the very least, another U.S. territory). It was met with general scoffing and mockery from both political sides (save for the Donald’s most ardent bootlickers) and seen by many as a petulant child getting upset that he couldn’t buy anything he wanted. I remember finding the idea ridiculous back in 2019. But now, I’m not so sure.

Now, I kind of think it’s fucking dope.

But why stop there?

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The Night A Libertyville Gravedigger Played Just For Me

The Night A Libertyville Gravedigger Played Just For Me

19 years ago this month, I witnessed the best concert I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a bunch. I’ve seen They Might Be Giants (my favorite group of all time) play over 30 times in a variety of venues. I’ve seen Elvis Costello sing to a full Chicago Opera House without the use of a microphone. I’ve seen a Beatle play. I’ve seen an artist make over a dozen costume changes during a show, and that artist was “Weird Al” Yankovic and he was awesome.

I’ve seen all kinds of groups and at every kind of venue. But, we show then I think of all of the concerts in all of the rooms I’ve seen in my life, there is only one that is in the running for the best show I’ve ever seen. And it was a night, nineteen years ago this month, when I was reminded of the blistering power of live rock and roll.

I’m not the best writer, and it’s possible that I’m not even a very good writer. However, as you’ll soon come to see, I’m, literally, one of maybe four people who is both qualified and able to write this story. So, knowing what responsibility is on my shoulders, let me tell you a tale…

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The Jock Jams Compilations, Ranked (Y’all Ready For This?)

The Jock Jams Compilations, Ranked (Y’all Ready For This?)

As someone who grew up in the 1990’s, the Jock Jams series of songs were everywhere in my life. I heard them at sporting events- like, all sporting events. I heard them at junior high and high school dances. I heard wedding parties use them to as introduction music. They were everywhere.

And even though some of the songs weren’t great, or even very good, there is something about these massive ESPN-produced mixtapes (all released under the Tommy Boy Music label) that just feels fun. That being said, why just enjoy nostalgia when you can, instead, over-analyze and use math to suck out all the fun of these songs so you can rank which Jock Jams album is the best one?

Hey, everyone… let’s get ready to rumble.

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A Case(d meat) of You: Let’s Talk About Hot Dogs

A Case(d meat) of You: Let’s Talk About Hot Dogs

Since the advent of language itself, our species has lived to place objects into neat categories, sometimes inventing new segments just to make sure everything is neatly organized for the future. Then came the hot dog, a tube of cased byproduct meat, warmed and placed in the casket of an asymmetrical unit of bread. The hot dog saved America, but that’s a story for another day. For now, let’s put an end to the great question of our time: is a hot dog a sandwich?

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EYE ON PLAINFIELD: GREG KINNEAR SPOTTED AT KROGER

EYE ON PLAINFIELD: GREG KINNEAR SPOTTED AT KROGER

It was a lazy July evening, one not without the typical musings and trappings of summers gone by. The fireflies were gesticulating their way to an early grave. The yearly rite of this year’s asphalt patches melting, then oozing down gravity’s rainbow. I had received a letter from a reader who wished to remain anonymous. She then slipped up and signed Agnes Cartwright at the bottom. The letter contained a vision she had been blessed with earlier in the week, shortly after elderly and compromised immunity shopping hours. The lady Cartwright believed she had seen star of stage and screen Greg Kinnear shopping for groceries. Central Indiana’s favorite investigative reporter was on the case.

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Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes

Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes

By any metric, these last few weeks have been bad for the Trump presidency.

Over the weekend, President Trump attempted to get back on the campaign trail with a stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and it was poorly-attended. Twice in three days, members of the administration have had to find ways to justify the President’s use of the term “kung flu” to describe the coronavirus, which is still around despite what some GOP governors may have been telling you. The lone victories in the past ten days or so came from the President bragging that he was successfully able to walk down a ramp (on twitter) and drink a glass of water with one hand (in Tulsa). This kind of seems like the bar for presidential excellence is being set a tad low.

And yet, if I had to wager my last $100 on who would win the election in November, I would bet that Donald Trump would be re- elected.

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