Fucking fuck goddamn it fucking fuck it all to goddamn fucking hell.
We don’t know.
We’re just really sad.
19 years ago this month, I witnessed the best concert I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a bunch. I’ve seen They Might Be Giants (my favorite group of all time) play over 30 times in a variety of venues. I’ve seen Elvis Costello sing to a full Chicago Opera House without the use of a microphone. I’ve seen a Beatle play. I’ve seen an artist make over a dozen costume changes during a show, and that artist was “Weird Al” Yankovic and he was awesome.
I’ve seen all kinds of groups and at every kind of venue. But, we show then I think of all of the concerts in all of the rooms I’ve seen in my life, there is only one that is in the running for the best show I’ve ever seen. And it was a night, nineteen years ago this month, when I was reminded of the blistering power of live rock and roll.
I’m not the best writer, and it’s possible that I’m not even a very good writer. However, as you’ll soon come to see, I’m, literally, one of maybe four people who is both qualified and able to write this story. So, knowing what responsibility is on my shoulders, let me tell you a tale…Continue reading “The Night A Libertyville Gravedigger Played Just For Me”
As someone who grew up in the 1990’s, the Jock Jams series of songs were everywhere in my life. I heard them at sporting events- like, all sporting events. I heard them at junior high and high school dances. I heard wedding parties use them to as introduction music. They were everywhere.
And even though some of the songs weren’t great, or even very good, there is something about these massive ESPN-produced mixtapes (all released under the Tommy Boy Music label) that just feels fun. That being said, why just enjoy nostalgia when you can, instead, over-analyze and use math to suck out all the fun of these songs so you can rank which Jock Jams album is the best one?
Hey, everyone… let’s get ready to rumble.Continue reading “The Jock Jams Compilations, Ranked (Y’all Ready For This?)”
Everything that exists this year has a “Oh, this is 2020” moment, and Sunday night’s VMAs were no exception. I just didn’t expect it to happen in the first four minutes of the broadcastContinue reading “The MTV VMAs: The Most Important Unimportant Event”
Since the advent of language itself, our species has lived to place objects into neat categories, sometimes inventing new segments just to make sure everything is neatly organized for the future. Then came the hot dog, a tube of cased byproduct meat, warmed and placed in the casket of an asymmetrical unit of bread. The hot dog saved America, but that’s a story for another day. For now, let’s put an end to the great question of our time: is a hot dog a sandwich?Continue reading “A Case(d meat) of You: Let’s Talk About Hot Dogs”
It was a lazy July evening, one not without the typical musings and trappings of summers gone by. The fireflies were gesticulating their way to an early grave. The yearly rite of this year’s asphalt patches melting, then oozing down gravity’s rainbow. I had received a letter from a reader who wished to remain anonymous. She then slipped up and signed Agnes Cartwright at the bottom. The letter contained a vision she had been blessed with earlier in the week, shortly after elderly and compromised immunity shopping hours. The lady Cartwright believed she had seen star of stage and screen Greg Kinnear shopping for groceries. Central Indiana’s favorite investigative reporter was on the case.Continue reading “EYE ON PLAINFIELD: GREG KINNEAR SPOTTED AT KROGER”
By any metric, these last few weeks have been bad for the Trump presidency.
Over the weekend, President Trump attempted to get back on the campaign trail with a stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and it was poorly-attended. Twice in three days, members of the administration have had to find ways to justify the President’s use of the term “kung flu” to describe the coronavirus, which is still around despite what some GOP governors may have been telling you. The lone victories in the past ten days or so came from the President bragging that he was successfully able to walk down a ramp (on twitter) and drink a glass of water with one hand (in Tulsa). This kind of seems like the bar for presidential excellence is being set a tad low.
And yet, if I had to wager my last $100 on who would win the election in November, I would bet that Donald Trump would be re- elected.Continue reading “Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes”
As protests happen in Minnesota and there has yet to be an arrest in the murder of George Floyd, I sit here comfortably in my home drinking coffee in front of my laptop. I know the last thing anyone needs right now is the opinion of this tired, chubby white dude about race in this country. And, for the record, everyone is right.
That being said, all I can think about is this story. And I want to share it with you.Continue reading “I Don’t Know What To Title This Story Without Sounding Like A Pretentious, Irritating Piece Of Garbage”
They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.
Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.
And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?
So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?
Let’s get into it.Continue reading “The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes”
Over the weekend, Fancy Boys Club hit 20,000 total views for a website. So, if you will all excuse me, I’m about to buy a jet and fly to an island, which I will also buy. See you later, dorks! Next time you see me, I’ll be writing for McSweeneys or some shit!
Look, I’m obviously aware that 20k is not a lot of views for a website. This is still just a place where I get to write nonsense and read some amazing work from writers I really love and admire. However, the last 9 months have been an absolute blast, and we’ve put out some really interesting and special work. I’m really proud of the Fancy Boys Club, and I hope you have enjoyed visiting us as much as we’ve enjoyed giving you things to read. Also, I look at my wordpress app every fifteen minutes to see how well our blogs are doing.
So, if you’ll indulge me, I have a few thoughts.Continue reading “Reflection at 20,000”