Roughneck Report, Take 5

With all the hubbub, hullabaloo or both if you prefer (after all it is your life), I completely neglected to scribble out something for the Roughneck Report, Take 5.

I mean what was I thinking about? What else could possibly be going on to thwart me from my duties as the Roughnecks numero uno fan of the fan base probably only known by me as the Rowdies?

I could have been thinking that maybe… possibly… along the lines of our esteemed federal government this whole ‘virus thing’ would blow over, cross our collective paths like an errant tumbleweed across the great American desert.

Well my friends, that was not it. Those of us who are relatively sane knew how the Administration of the Bloated Circus Peanut would stumble around like a bantamweight after a Henry Cejudo haymaker and for certain fuck this whole mess up.

Oh well, back to the report. Okay. The Roughnecks have finished the aborted season undefeated and for certain are the de facto champions for the 2020 XFL season which may possibly be the only XFL season.

Hand them the fucking trophy Vince McMahon, which I think is just his head in a fabulous bronze patina.

Congrats Roughnecks. Now you can afford to go out and find a logo that doesn’t rip-off the old Houston Oilers.

No ending cheer. Season’s over.

PS Seriously be safe out there and do not trust in the Federal Government to give two shits about you and your family, not with the bleating yam in charge.

PPS Weezer really got me pumped to whip this little old report right quickly. Thanks!

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How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, part 3…

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, part 3…

I’ve had a lot of fun writing the first two stories in this series. They’ve been fun for a lot of reasons: it’s been great to reminisce about the old days with some of my friends who have read this, I hope I’m presenting some good lessons on what not to do to newer comedians, and it’s been a super-joy to dunk on some assclowns who kinda (absolutely) deserve it.

To start this newest edition, however, I think I’m going to start with the best piece of advice I can give anyone in comedy when dealing with a booker. Not only is it good comedy advice, but it’s good life advice.

Be honest and self-aware.

Continue reading “How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, part 3…”

Wonders of Woodstock – The Eateries, Part I of II: Woodstock Square

In the time we are currently living in what’s better than to take stock of what we can’t do right now in Woodstock, Illinois – dine in. But first, I must digress before we digest.

I thought I could stretch this to three parts, but then I’d have to count the McHenry County Courthouse as a place to eat. Trust me it’s not, as the vending machines suck. Plus, the McHenry County Courthouse is where I got my car keyed. You’d think the person who did it would have had enough sense not to do it in a parking lot full of cops, but no, my ex-wife did it anyway. Before you laugh at her absolute awful place to pick? Stop. She got away with it. The McHenry County Courthouse has so many cops around they don’t have cameras in the parking lot. She confessed much later to our kids and that’s the only reason I know. How special.

Thanks for allowing me to get that off my chest. Much better now.

Continue reading “Wonders of Woodstock – The Eateries, Part I of II: Woodstock Square”

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, Part 2…

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, Part 2…

(Author’s note: Many of you seemed to really love reading my last story about booking comedy shows. The amount of people who wrote to me telling me what a great story it was- and also wanting to know the name of the comedian who I was talking about- was wonderful and amazing and I appreciate all of it. So, here’s another story for you.

As a note, I do want to say that this story had been previously published on another site. In fact, I wrote it on the, literal, last day the site was still taking submissions. When this story originally came out, there was a really fun conversation that Brandon and I had about comedy and writing and this blog made me realize just how much I loved not only writing, but working with Brandon. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that writing this was a strong catalyst for me wanting to continue working with people I respected and who I felt respected me, which is directly what led to Fancy Boys Club.

The previous site has removed this piece per my request, so I re-present it to you now.)

Continue reading “How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, Part 2…”

Into The Unknown: A Guide To Comforting Your Children In These Troubling Times

Into The Unknown: A Guide To Comforting Your Children In These Troubling Times

So, things are scary right now and you have some young kiddos and you need to make sure they feel safe and secure, right? You need to make sure that they know that everything is going to be OK. I get it.

So first, let’s get this out of the way, everything IS going to be OK. You’re fine. Your kids are going to be fine. Your husband or wife is going to be fine. Your parents… well there is like an 84 percent change they are going to be just fine. Sure, you don’t exactly work in an “essential field” and there is a decent chance you are going to be laid off or at least furloughed. But hey, on the bright side, you learned the word furloughed today and that’s something to hang your hat on.

Remember that day of your best friend’s wedding when you learned the word veranda? That was a wonderful, beautiful day, and this day is exactly like that day. You are learning new words and it is exactly the same thing. So, don’t worry about getting furloughed. Grab a beer, sit out on the veranda and enjoy the nice March weather! Is it too chilly for that? I haven’t been outside in like a week, but I’m sure it’s perfect veranda weather!

Now that all of that is out of the way and… wow you chugged that beer real quick huh? Ok grab another, I’ll wait. It’s cool.

Continue reading “Into The Unknown: A Guide To Comforting Your Children In These Troubling Times”

McRib is Trash and Deserves Nothing but Scorn: A Rebuttal to Jack Baker

By now you have probably read Jack Baker’s ham fisted pronouncement of the McRib’s quality and deservedness of being in the March Fatness bracket. You yourself might even be wondering why the McRib didn’t make the list while items like KFC Coleslaw did. You might also be wondering why Jack Baker decided he was ombudsman. If he is complaining about the voting process of these brackets, I have serious issues with his self-appointment as ombudsman. But we will get back to stripping Jack of his responsibilities and firing him out of a cannon towards the sun later. Now, let’s thoroughly and comprehensively explain why the McRib didn’t make the list.

Continue reading “McRib is Trash and Deserves Nothing but Scorn: A Rebuttal to Jack Baker”

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show: A Cautionary Tale

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show: A Cautionary Tale

I am both a comedian and a show producer. When these elements are working well, having this dual role is wildly fulfilling. However, when things are getting rocky, the decision to begin producing shows as a comic feels like someone came up to an alcoholic and said, “It seems like you already have this thing that is taking up way too much of your life, and not always in a positive way. Still, try this heroin!”

Continue reading “How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show: A Cautionary Tale”