Last week, right before their team fell into a sexual harassment fueled chaos, the Washington professional football team announced they would be changing their team name. Owner and noted C.H.U.D. Daniel Snyder said that a group within the organization had determined that was the best thing for the organization. This is, of course, radioactive bullshit. They are changing the name because the team wants a new stadium on the site of the old RFK Stadium in Washington, DC proper. That stadium is considered a historical site, and the city wouldn’t give it to him to build a new stadium unless he changed the team name. There’s always a reason assholes try to make themselves look “not so assholey.” This will not be the only time the government has had to step in to make this team do the right thing. More on that in a minute.
Continue reading “Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots, An Ongoing Series: Sports Team Name Edition”This Will Be Wrong, part I: The Eastern Divisions
So let’s just suppose that the MLB season actually happens. All 30 teams play all 60 games and there’s a postseason and everything. While I may be skeptical that we will get all the way to a World Series, it’s fun to think about something beyond the existential terror of everyday life in 2020. So, for now, let’s talk baseball.
We start with the two Eastern Divisions, which include the two most recent World Series champions, Boston (’18) and Washington (’19). Due to limitations in travel, these teams will not leave their Eastern bubble until the postseason- 40 games against in-division opponents, 20 games against opponents from the same division in the other league. Remember as you read my predictions, that no matter how much I know about baseball, this will be wrong.
Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series
Some of you are goddamn idiots. Some of you have always been dumb. For some, the stresses of work in this current environment have made you dumb. For others, the monotony of the quarantine have made you dumb.
One thing IS for sure, though…social media has made some of you unequivocally, irredeemably dumb.
Continue reading “Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series”
Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…
HBO has always lived by the slogan that they are “not tv”. They’re something more, something better, and for the most part, they’ve lived up to that by going above and beyond. They don’t just give us a little show about dragons, they gave us Game Of Thrones. They just didn’t give us a crime show, they gave us two of the best ever with The Wire and The Sopranos. They didn’t just give us a new Perry Mason, they gave us a Perry Mason that fuuuuuuucks. (Author’s note: my wife says I talk about this too much.)
Veep. Curb Your Enthusiasm. True Blood. Last year, HBO received 137 Emmys nominations, which was 20 higher than the next highest network (to show you dominance, NBC finished in third with 57). Anything anyone can do, they can do better… and then they do it.
When HBO launched HBO Max on May 27th, everyone expected something special. For the most part, it’s pretty great. They’ve teamed up with Warner Brothers, New Line, DC Entertainment, Turner Movie Classics, Adult Swim, and others to give an amazing amount of content for it’s viewers. Considering we’re in a global pandemic, more content is a very, very good thing to most of us.
But they need to fire the person who arranged their movies. And they need to fire them today.
Continue reading “Whoever Arranges Movies For HBO Max Needs To Be Fired (and possibly beaten up)…”Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Palm Springs
With movie theaters closed, many studios have decided to release current-run movies out for streaming and download. I caught up with the newest romantic comedy available on Hulu.
If living in the time of COVID-19 has taught us anything, it is that time is, truly, a construct. All it took was a sledgehammer to people’s everyday routines to have them completely unsure of what clocks and calendars even mean. We have gone from the age of, “I hate Mondays!” to “Is it even Monday?” to “Dude… what even IS Monday?” And we did it in the span of about four weeks.
Remarkably, Palm Springs is the perfect movie for this time in our society.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Palm Springs”The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 9 and 10
This is it, everyone. Five days of calorie tinged, heart attack inducing goodness. Five men entered the draft with dreams of delicious dominance. In round 10, one man’s quest will come to an end. This persson will be left with egg on his face. Enough about that, though. Let’s get to the final rounds of the draft!
9.Beverage
Michael-Limón Pepino Gatorade
Limón-Pepino, or Lime-Cucumber, is the most refreshing Gatorade flavor there is. You know how cold Gatorade hits on a summer afternoon. Amplify that with the cool, crisp essence of cucumber, the most underrated vegetable, and lime, the lemon’s sassy sibling. It’s almost as if human progress was waiting for this delight to berth forth into our realm. It is a gift from the gods. It’s the equivalent of relaxing in a hidden lagoon after a day of digging ditches. The paradigm shift in your brainwaves is set off by a catalyst of soothing, subtle flavor and unprecedented thirst-quenching power. You are now made whole again, for the first time.
Brandon-Faygo Blue Berry
Continue reading “The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 9 and 10”The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 7 and 8
Welcome to Rounds 7 and 8 of the Fancy Boys Club Ultimate Snack Foods Draft! Nothing salty or savory this time around. It’s all sweet. We are drafting frozen deserts and candy. These are the rounds where we can best jump back to the old days, as carefree children going to the grocery store and getting to pick something out to eat in the car ride home. Or maybe we are just a bunch of active and reformed drunks who will eat anything from 7/11 at three in the morning and be outwardly disappointed when they don’t have roller food. Let’s do this!
7.Frozen Dessert
Michael Grace-Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food
Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked
According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.
We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.
But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.
Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…
Continue reading “Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked”The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 5 and 6
We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!
5.Cheese Product
Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti
I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.
Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Irresistible
With movie theaters closed, many studios have decided to release current-run movies out for streaming and download. I caught up with the second film from comedian/writer/director Jon Stewart
When Jon Stewart’s career is long gone, he will be known for two things: comedy and politics. During his run on The Daily Show, Stewart redefined what political humor and satire could mean to a populous. Young voters trusted him, a fake newsman, more than actual news anchors. So much of this was because of his passion: he cared not just about crafting the best possible joke, but the best possible argument.
It’s why my hopes for Irresistable, Stewart’s second film as a writer/director, were so high. It’s also why I was so disappointed by the final product: a scattershot bleh of a film which spends most of its’ time feeling lost and never finding out what it’s trying to be or who its’ characters are.
Continue reading “Fancy Boys Stays Home With The Movies: Irresistible”
Fancy Boys Club 