The Philadelphia basketball team was eliminated today. Their complete mismanagement of such a promising team has led them to this fate. So, as they surely deserve, we quench their candle with a poem.
Continue reading “O Woe, O Rapture: Farewell to the Philadelphia 76ers”
“It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in”
Elton John, Candle In The Wind
Greetings, True Believers! We have, at last, arrived in mid-April August. The NBA Playoffs are here, and with them comes the misery of fifteen eliminations. Gradually over the next six weeks, the character and will of our greatest heroes will be tested. No matter if a team is swept in the first round or lose the Finals in triple overtime of the seventh game, they deserve tribute.
For the last decade, I have taken the time to give each team that fails to make the Finals their due respect, a rite my friends and I have come to call Candling- blaring Elton John’s anthem to Marilyn Monroe as another team’s light is quenched. For most of the basketball world, a team is eliminated and instantly forgotten, just a stepping stone for someone better. Not in my eyes. These playoffs, rather than documenting the great achievements of the winners, I will be your guide as we pay tribute to the most necessary party in sports- the losers.
Thanks to a television show, name recognition, and a fairly aggressive national roll out, you have assuredly heard of Wahlburgers restaurant. The name sake of the Wahlberg brothers, it has pushed it’s way into the fast casual landscape with it’s selections of burgers and chicken. It’s newest location is in St. Charles, Illinois. Coincidentally, myself and my brother were in the neighborhood, thanks to a Facebook marketplace related impulse buy by my brother. Jukebox in hand, we decided to the new Wahlburgers. And as you can tell by the title, it was a goddamn disaster.
Some things can be excused. For example: this location had been open for less than a week. We showed up at 11:20 AM, after they had been open for only twenty minutes. There were a lot of employees with a questionable amount of training. Covid.
It seems like the 2020 election would be the perfect time to shake things up.
For the GOP, there are a vocal and noticeable group of voters looking to separate themselves from President Trump and his policies and rhetoric and stupid face. For the DNC, there is an overwhelming wave of apathy for the Biden/Harris ticket on social media which leaves one to believe that this will be the 800th election in a row where the youth vote chooses to “sit it out”.
This is the perfect time to look third party; someone who can come and unite the disenfranchised and bring people together. Someone who can say, “The two party system has not had your best interest at heart for decades, possibly centuries!” Someone who can bring real change to a nation in dire need of exactly that. And there’s no better party to do so than the Libertarian Party, a political organization which seems to be the right group and the right time.
However, the Libertarian Party has given us Jo Fucking Jorgensen, which means it’s gonna be another election where almost no one is happy.
Don’t worry, though. I can fix everything.
Continue reading “Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.”Perhaps the word ‘love’ is a bit of a stretch. It wasn’t as if I hated the concocted “pre-playoffs” like she was a girlfriend who married the next person they dated after me. The playoffs, COVID-delayed or not, are perpetual. I have only had the woman I dated marry the next person they dated six times, and one of them decided to ‘curve their stick’ and shoot a bit differently, if you know what I mean.
Now the hoopla and fanfare, yes both occurred in the past couple weeks, of both the ‘Round Robin’ and the ‘Pre-Qualifying Round’ has officially exited the ice. Ergo we now have legit playoffs, so let’s take a look at who’s left for the next round. Apparently the NHL has now decided to call the next round the First Round, and I am okay with that. Essentially this means the NHL is now officially smarter than those college guys at the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament (hey remember that? It’s like nostalgia at this point). They convince themselves the play-in games are actually the first round. DUMB.
Did I say “let’s take a look at who’s left?’ I did. Not yet. Just a solid reminder the NHL teams are going nowhere. The Eastern Conference is still playing their games in Toronto at the venerable Scotiabank Arena. The Scotiabank Arena is like the United Center of the North. It’s nice, relatively new, but not a legendary place like Madison Square Garden (which BTW is not a square shape – who knew?). The Western Conference teams are still stuck in Edmonton and play their games at Rogers Place. Same deal. Nice, and kind of like an Olive Garden of arenas… without the breadsticks.
And what teams are not remaining?
Yesterday, Michael Grace came on this website, spreading absolute blasphemy, trying to use science and whatnot to tell the scared, huddled masses that a hot dog is not a sandwich. This kind of elitism will not stand here at Fancy Boys Club. While our name might give you thoughts of men with top hats and monocles, we are actually a very blue collar bunch. We like the simpler things in life. Among those things are an encased tube of various pig parts, cooked well, topped with whatever condiments you can find that aren’t called Ketchup, and we like to eat that hot dog with a domestic beer on a warm, summer day. 10
We are a country that invented everything great, and stole everything we didn’t invent to claim as our own. We are about freedom, drinking, and arguing. But there is one thing there is no arguement for: HOT DOGS ARE A SANDWICH.
Continue reading “Yes, A Hot Dog IS a Sandwich: A Rebuttal”
Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.
Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.
Let’s Get Started!
How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic?
-Food and Wine Magazine
I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?
Continue reading “Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition”
Since the advent of language itself, our species has lived to place objects into neat categories, sometimes inventing new segments just to make sure everything is neatly organized for the future. Then came the hot dog, a tube of cased byproduct meat, warmed and placed in the casket of an asymmetrical unit of bread. The hot dog saved America, but that’s a story for another day. For now, let’s put an end to the great question of our time: is a hot dog a sandwich?
Continue reading “A Case(d meat) of You: Let’s Talk About Hot Dogs”
Wrestling has always been built on stereotypes. Anyone that looks vaguely eastern European could be booked as a menacing Russian. Asian wrestlers were often booked as karate stars or dressed like ninjas. Black wrestlers would run the gambit of stereotypes over the years, whether it be Bobo Brazil and Junkyard Dogs would play benign good guys, who had to play up their friendliness to get largely white crowds to let their guard down. Koko B Ware wore loud, colorful clothing to represent what Vince McMahon believed to be black MTV culture. On the other side of this was James Harris, who would fleeting and middling success following the good guy route, but would reach national fame playing an African savage to oppose some of the biggest stars of WWF’s golden era.
Continue reading “Kamala The Ugandan Giant (James Harris) 1950-2020”
When news broke this week that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was going to be buying the XFL, I got excited. Not because I like, or even care, about that ridiculous league. Our site has spent way too much time and way too much talent talking about the second coming of the WWE’s failed attempt to break into the football business. No, my friends. I’m all on pins and needles because we finally get a chance to talk about Dwayne Johnson, the actor.
There is no doubt that The Rock is the most successful actor to come from wrestling and you could make the case that he has had the most successful post-wrestling career of all time. Sure, Jesse Ventura became governor, but that’s Minnesota, where there are more lakes than people. Johnson could become president. Hell, The Rock could be a pope if he wanted to.
But that’s not what I care about.
Continue reading “Rank The Rock: A Look At The Films Of Dwayne Johnson”
Fancy Boys Club 