Yesterday, Michael Grace came on this website, spreading absolute blasphemy, trying to use science and whatnot to tell the scared, huddled masses that a hot dog is not a sandwich. This kind of elitism will not stand here at Fancy Boys Club. While our name might give you thoughts of men with top hats and monocles, we are actually a very blue collar bunch. We like the simpler things in life. Among those things are an encased tube of various pig parts, cooked well, topped with whatever condiments you can find that aren’t called Ketchup, and we like to eat that hot dog with a domestic beer on a warm, summer day. 10
We are a country that invented everything great, and stole everything we didn’t invent to claim as our own. We are about freedom, drinking, and arguing. But there is one thing there is no arguement for: HOT DOGS ARE A SANDWICH.
Now, i’m not here to show off a bunch of fancy graphs and charts. I’m not here to make technical arguments. I’m here to say that Michael Grace is goddamn unamerican for his views. Very german, if you ask me.
Let’s take a very simple look at what a sandwich is: meat with condiments in between bread. What is a hot dog? meat with condiments in between bread. I REST MY CASE!
If a hot dog fits within the confines of it’s bread constructed holding mechanism, then it’s a sandwich. Bread is a thing that’s made with flour and yeast. It rises and becomes bread. At that point, you cut up the bread. It can be put in a toaster and slathered with some butter. If you are feeling playful, toss some cinnamon on that sonuvabitch. Got some sourdough bread? Rip a giant hole in that bastard and put some soup in it. Once you are done eating your soup, you got yourself some bread to eat. Zero waste meal. You know what sucks? Cleaning plates. A sourdough bread bowl solves that problem. Got some various meats and maybe some veggies and a nice spicy mustard? Well buddy, you got yourself sandwich material. Now you just need a bun for everything to fit into. Does a hot dog fit between it’s bun?
Sure as hell looks like it fits in between bread for me! Look at that little bit of wonderful. It looks like it has elotes style toppings. Vegetables. Cheese, Some sauce up in there. That’s a sandwich! Not only is it a sandwich, it is probably the most efficient of all sandwiches. What’s the worse part about eating a sandwich? When it’s got mayo slathered all over it, and the mayo turns the bread into a slip and slide, and that first bite you take, your carefully thought out meats, cheeses, and veggies go ejaculating out the back of the bun.
Even meat ejaculating out of the back of the bun doesn’t disqualify it from sandwich conversation. You know why? Because back in the day, someone without a lot of money, but with some loose meat, tomatoes, brown sugar, and probably some onions or whatever decided to combine them all and slap the resulting slurry between a bun. What was the result?
I MAKE A GOOD POINT.
Besides that, this is 2020. With hindsight, we should all have 20 20. See what I did there? THAT’S WORD PLAY YOU SONS OF BITCHES! In this year. In this time. In this moment, we should not be looking for things to exclude. We should be more inclusive. That goes with humanity, and that goes with gastronomy. Why are we creating food barriers in this day and age? I’m of the belief that if a taco wants to be a sandwich, then it fits the criteria. Same with baos. A sandwich is just a name. A catch all term for what something can be. Just like the word human.
Humans, even in a time when we feel like more divided, are more inclusive than ever. Voices that always felt displaced in society are now finding themselves and what they can be. What once seemed like a barrier now is nothing more than a stepping stone. The same goes for food. Everything might be a cake. But everything strives to be a sandwich.
Also, we as as a society need to have a very frank and honest conversation about the bullshit we are doing to food. Taco Bell is the Island of Dr. Moreau for vaguely mexican food. We have been eating White Castle for nearly 100 years, in spite of the fact that it turns us all into noxious gas emitters. RC Cola still exists, inexplicably. the most aggressively white thing people have been doing for the past few years? You guessed it, the gussying up of toast into artwork posing as open face sandwiches. It started innocently enough. We needed our avocado toast. Then avocado toast turned into open faced sandwiches. Runny eggs got involved. herbs were used to pretty it up. The lines became skewed. Then meats got involved. Then it was just sandwiches that people lazily quit putting the second half of the bread on. They call it a sandwich simply because bread is involved in some way.
I’m closer to being an actual french maid than those are of being sandwiches. But, they are called open face sandwiches, and therefore they are sandwiches. Going back to my sandwiches are humans analogy, open faced sandwiches are nazis and white nationalists. They only regained popularity in 2016, most of society sees through the bullshit, and we unfortunately can’t just wipe them off the face of the earth.
This, of course, makes Michael Grace the Ben Shapiro of sandwich defenses. Because white nationalists and nazis are white, Shapiro defends them to the death. Because open face sandwiches have sandwich in the name. Michael Grace defends them to the death. Me? I’m the Bernie Sanders of the hot dog as a sandwich debate. I’m loud, i’m opinionated, I only have like two pairs of socks, and ultimately I want everyone to have exactly what they want in life. Michael attempts to take them away. I attempt to give. If a hot dog wants to be a sandwich, then a hot dog can be a sandwich.
Stand up for inclusiveness. Stand against white nationalists. Stand for hot dogs as sandwiches.