A Case(d meat) of You: Let’s Talk About Hot Dogs

Since the advent of language itself, our species has lived to place objects into neat categories, sometimes inventing new segments just to make sure everything is neatly organized for the future. Then came the hot dog, a tube of cased byproduct meat, warmed and placed in the casket of an asymmetrical unit of bread. The hot dog saved America, but that’s a story for another day. For now, let’s put an end to the great question of our time: is a hot dog a sandwich?

Nope. It’s a taco.

Hear me out. THIS is a sandwich.

I get the idea that a hotdog might be a sandwich. I mean it makes sense. You have bread and you have a main ingredient, in this case the dog itself. Then you have toppings. Even ketchup for the dead souls among us. Yes, a hotdog has it all. But let’s look at a taco for a second.

So we have meat and toppings, but the vehicle isn’t bread. The difference being that the vehicle, in this case a tortilla, is enclosed around the bottom while being a vertical food. Now, lets look at a hot dog.

If we’re all taking this seriously, we should look into the hand factor. Any sandwich worth the time requires two hands. Given the displacement of the layers of the sandwich, there is greater potential for the whole thing to go Hindenburg in a hurry.

A hot dog doesn’t necessarily have this problem. Sure you may pile on your Chicago Style toppings too high and risk some wayward neon-green relish, but the vessel itself is rather intact. The same goes for a taco. Some onions lost, maybe even a little meat falling to the plate. All is not lost, and the vessel itself doesn’t need to be reconstructed entirely.

So we’ve come this far. It’s to drive the last nail firmly into the coffin of hot dog-sandwich discourse. If you’re unfamiliar with the Cube Rule, take a look at this work of mastery.

Now that you’ve stared at this chart for a good three to seven straight hours like I did, tell me- which of those diagrams best represents a hot dog? The Taco.

At Cube Rule Dot Com, it’s spelled out in plain speak with pictures so that even your illiterate nephew can follow along. The greatest philosophers of our time came together and built this resource so that humanity’s future could thrive without the burdens of our yesterday.

We are but shadows and dust, but the hot dog is a taco. It always has been.

Now go, and live freely. Ask for extra relish.

Also, deep dish pizza is legally cake now.