Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.

Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.

Let’s Get Started!

How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic?
-Food and Wine Magazine

I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?

With social distancing rules currently in place as they are, it makes total sense to limit table interaction as much as possible. Combine that with the fact that people absolutely love to try to catch random stuff shot at them, and this is a total no brainer. You could even use it to promote other items on the menu. Let’s keep picking on Applebees, because it’s easy and fun. They could call it the “Applebees Oriental Chicken Salad Wrap Food Shooter.” Or the “Four Cheese Mac N Cheese With Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders Food Allocation Table Top Yeeter.” Or, shortened, the “Four Cheese Mac N Cheese With Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders F.A.T.T.Y.” I’m out here giving million dollar ideas for free.

What is a Persimmon?
-Cooks Country

Ron Persimmon was a wrestler who was in a tag team in WCW in the late 80’s and early 90’s with Butch Reed called Doom. After they broke up in 1991, he would go on a middling singles run. That is, until 1992 when, at a house show in Baltimore, he got a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship against Vader after Sting was taken out of the match due to injury. He would win the match and become the first African American to hold the World Championship in a major wrestling promotion. He held that title for five months. He would stay with WCW for a couple more years before moving on to the World Wrestling Federation. There, after a failed gimmick as a Centaurian Guard, he would become the leader of the Nation of Domination, a black power faction in WWF that would be the stepping stone for The Rock to move towards mega stardom. After that, he joined Bradshaw to create the APA, the Acolyte Protection Agency. They portrayed a duo of bad asses who liked to drink and gamble when they weren’t beating people us. It was during this time that his legendary catchphrase, “DAMN” would catch on. He retired in 2006, and was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2012. It’s a fruit.

What is the healthiest form of eating?
-Healthy Eating

I feel incredibly qualified to answer this question. As a young(ha), agile(HA), virile man(HAHAHAHA) I have dieting pretty well down to a science. Let’s go through my diet this past week to get a good grasp on what a good diet looks like:

Sunday
Irish Skillet, composed of 3 eggs, hash browns, corned beef, cheese, tomatoes and peppers(for health!) and a large Coca Cola.
Several beers at the bar
A bunch more beers at another bar
Home made cheese platter while watching Perry Mason

Monday
Chocolate and Peanut Butter Cheerios
Frozen breakfast sandwich
Torta of unknown age from food truck
Salmon with carrots and potatoes
Victory beers and shots after softball game

Tuesday
McDonalds Sausage Biscuit and Hash Browns
Golden Corral, for something I like to call “Sadness Lunch”
Stuffed Chicken Breast. The chicken breast is ALSO stuffed with sadness.

Wednesday
McDonalds Sausage Biscuit and Hash Browns
Burger King Whopper with fries and drink
Pasta, delicious carbtastic pasta

Thursday
Cheerios Peanut Butter Chocolate Cereal
Pork with rice and potatoes
Who the hell even remembers. I’m sure it had a ton of calories. Calories are for champions.

Friday
Wendys Breakfast Baconator
Golden Corral for “Sadness Lunch”
Burger tempura battered and deep fried

Saturday
Hot Dogs
Chinese Food
About a case of Keystone Keylightful

So here is what you do: THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU ARE READING ABOVE. Plus, sadness lunch at Golden Corral hasn’t been nearly as much fun since they reopened.

Okay, time for one more!

What are the best Halloween cocktails?
-Martha Stewart Living

IT IS MOTHER FUCKING AUGUST. GET YOUR HALLOWEEN ASS BACK TO MID SEPTEMBER WHERE YOU BELONG!

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