Baseball was the last pure game. Unchanged by time. Still played by nine men under the summer sun, fans in the stands, burying their real lives in sport and beer. Children played the game on the streets until the street lights illumination dictated the universal calling card to come home for dinner. Yea, this is a long ago ideal that has had its nostalgia sugar coated to a diabetes induced level. The fact is, baseball has always harbored cheating for the sake of victory above all else. Ty Cobb, one of the greatest players ever, sharpened his spikes so he could injure opposing players who made the mistake of being near him when he slid. Hank Aaron and Willie Mays admitted to using “greenies” for energy. “Greenies” were actually a version of methamphetamine. Steroids became chic in the late 90’s revival of the game.
Continue reading “The Astros Fought the Law and the Law Won”Category: Uncategorized
My Best TV of 2019
TV has quite the broad spectrum these days. If I were an actual TV critic, imagine the amount of tax deductions I’d have subscribing to everything from Amazon Prime to Zee TV. Frankly I didn’t even know Zee TV existed and I’m pretty sure it exists primarily for me to have a complete A to Z joke.
Allow me to take you through a ‘best of’ similar to watching 3+ hours of god-awful backslapping known as the Emmys without actually having to watch the Emmys. Did you know there are nearly 100 Emmy categories? Holy crap these people love to congratulate one another. Relax. I’m only hitting the highlights I want to hit. Let’s start with a couple you won’t see given out while you’d eat your gourmet popcorn and watch:
Outstanding Cinematography
Oklahoma is Oklahoma, so Watchmen, you’re out. I’m throwing Chernobyl a radioactive bone here because it’s got to win something, right? Can’t understand why all the Russkis had British accents, but the dreariness of a nuclear disaster was just how I imagined it would be, along with the patently dull British clothing, so it wins for Outstanding Period Costumes too (yes, that’s a category).
Celebrating The Holidays #withmydick
Every Christmas Eve, I do something that delights my friends and annoys my wife. But it’s a tradition, and traditions are important as the holidays roll around.
Starting from the moment I wake up, I will be part of a group attempting to get #withmydick trending on Twitter. And I’m doing so because eight years ago, this silly hashtag saved my Christmas.
Continue reading “Celebrating The Holidays #withmydick”The (Cultural) Tribe Has Spoken
I think most people watch most television (and, by this, I mean entertainment television- basically everything that isn’t the news) for two reasons: to escape the world and to experience the world. Some people are sick and tired of seeing the world devour itself and need a break, so they turn on their small screen in the hopes of being drifted away, if only for a short time, from the problems of the modern world. Others, however, look at television as a reflection of society, and look to it to show us who we are and see what that tells us about ourselves.
In speaking about television as terms of contrast and reflection, Survivor had almost always landed in the former category. However, this season, the show has taken a sharp turn into the latter, and in doing so, has become one of the most interesting shows on television this year.
FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 13
Oh man, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Good food and terrible football on the television. Can’t beat that combination! In honor of the holiday, here are the NFL things i’m thankful for this year:
Lamar Jackson, proving all us white people wrong
The NFC East being full of nothing but bum teams, the way it should be
Knowing Kirk Cousins is going to do something to ruin the Vikings this year
Adam Gase pulling his “football Devin Nunes” routine for another season
Three awful games on Thanksgiving that still have insane amounts of fantasy purpose in everyone’s final week before the fantasy playoffs
The Bengals quarterback situation. Shine on you crazy diamonds!
1: Baltimore Ravens
Lamar Jackson is the new god we live under. When John Lennon wrote the song Imagine, he couldn’t have imagined Jackson throwing five touchdowns on 15 pass attempts.
Continue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 13”Dust on the Road: Sesame Street at 50
Let’s call this take on Sesame Street ‘sad comedic nostalgia’. Sesame Street, for those unaware, turns 50 this week. I, and so many others, grew up on Sesame Street and are hovering near the age of the show, so this milestone takes me back. I’ll first take a look at how Sesame Street shaped me and others, then follow it up with how its original characters will do in their retirement years.
There’s a certain melancholy sense one can have when thinking back at their childhood and how Sesame Street helped mold it as if one’s childhood were soft clay. In truth, it is. Every moment of one’s upbringing puts a mark on your childhood, like your mother or father slapping pencil marks on a door jamb to monitor your physical growth.
FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 11
A quick update about me: last week, I spent the entire week dealing with allergies that I assumed would go away. I felt better at some points, and worse at others. I couldn’t focus enough on anything other than dragging myself to work that I didn’t write the Power Rankings last week. I went though the entire weekend thinking I was getting better. Turns out, I was wrong. I finally broke down and went to a doctor today and it turns out that the allergies had spurred a massive infection that was attacking my throat and eyes. If the infection doesn’t get better through antibiotics and steroids, i’m going to have to go to the hospital Wednesday, which is…thrilling. Anyway, if this rankings isn’t great, it’s because I have zero will to write. I’m powering through for the site. Now, onto the rankings. I’m using the gap week to completely reset all of the rankings and work from this point for the rest of the season.
1: Baltimore Ravens
Sometimes, teams show up to games they know they are going to win, and therefore just sleepwalk through it and escape with a win. The Ravens went with a different option, which was to beat the absolute piss out of the Bengals, breaking their spirits in the process. Lamar Jackson is about one Russell Wilson misstep away from being the MVP front runner.
Continue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 11”NHL: The 20% report
Okay, so we are 20% through the season. Yes, as of this writing there are a few stragglers who have yet to reach the 20% mark… and there are a few teams over it. That’s scheduling for you. Hockey players need well-deserved breaks between games. It’s a brutal sport on one’s body, yet of course there is majesty to watching men on ice dazzle with their skating skills but still be able to smoke an opponent into the boards for merely sneering at them.
You may recall, well I am sure you will because EVERYONE READS this well-put together report, and my hockey knowledge is nearly as good as the Bantum-level hockey kid across the street, that the 10% report went sort of like this:
Hey Aladdin, get a job.
A couple weeks ago, I decided mid-flight to fight off a turbulence-induced panic attack by watching a movie (in addition to my usual booze-prayer combo). You know, anything to take my mind off the fact that I’m sitting next to the dude who decided, “Shoes are for suckers!” while hurtling through the sky in a metal tube.
Continue reading “Hey Aladdin, get a job.”World Series Report, post game 5
I waited until the series was over in Washington. I could spend a whole lot of space breaking down games 3, 4, and 5, giving you reasons why the Astros rallied from two games down to not only make this a series again, but to dominate the damn thing. However, there is truly only one number you need to know… the number one. Good gravy, Nationals. Swept at home. 4-1. 8-1. 7-1. One really is the loneliest number.
The Nationals fans seriously deserve a rousing round of applause for the chorus of ‘boos’ and the showering of ‘lock him up’ toward our feckless Bloated Circus Peanut leader as he was announced prior to the first pitch of Game 5. Made me proud the team also selected renowned chef, humanitarian and Trump-basher José Andrés to throw out the first pitch (low and outside) and then a bit sad their team couldn’t take the grandstand performance and run with it. Hell, Astro fans would have probably given DOTUS a standing ovation. Don’t try to fight me on this one, it’s Texas, one of those states where the capital is pretty much on its own liberal island.
