Autumn in Chicago can be hard on a Basic Bitch. Society tries to convince us that we’re the only ones who love cozying up with a pumpkin spice latté and our favorite Charlotte Brontë novel. So I’ve decided to make a list of the top 6 things us Basic Bitches are looking forward to this season in the hopes that we can all unabashedly enjoy them together.
1. Pumpkin Picking!
There are few things I enjoy more than taking in the crisp Chicago air as I search for the perfect pumpkin just so I can watch it rot for the next 5 weeks.
2. Chunky Sweaters!!
This fall, dress up your wardrobe with an oversized wool sweater in a refined argyle knit. For that chic editorial look, go for a size that covers your face completely, just like The Headless Horseman. Because what’s more comfortable than hiding your dead, lifeless eyes from this cruel and judgemental world?
3. Football Season!!!
One of my favorite ways to ring in autumn’s first chilly evenings is by baking my favorite football party foods– like buffalo chicken wings, or buffalo cauliflower bites, or buffalo chocolate ice cream! Then, when our favorite team doesn’t make the playoffs, my friends and I love to drag our furniture into the street and set it all on fire in a blind rage.
4. Instagram Autumn Leaves in Chicago’s Parks!!!!
The color palette of Chicago in the fall is positively brilliant. Plus, if you’re going for a walk in the park by yourself, Insta is the best way to leave a digital trail of your whereabouts so the cops have some leads to go off of when they search for your body later that night.
5. Bonfires!!!!!
Nothing says fall like grabbing your favorite pumpkin ale and snuggling around a bonfire with your sweetie to watch the sacrificial burning of your village’s first born sons.
6. Spooky Manicures!!!!!!
With Halloween approaching, seasonal manicures are the cat’s pajamas. You can even save money by skipping the salon and treating yourself to an at-home spa experience. To do this, simply slay your greatest foe with a machete, chop their lifeless body into chunks, and then let their blood air-dry on your fingertips. Finish with a non-chipping top coat of clear polish to lock in the rich red color of murder.
Well, there you have it! I hope this list inspires you to go out there and live your best Basic Bitch fall season to the fullest— while you still have life in your body!
Fancy Boys Club 
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