Hey Aladdin, get a job.

A couple weeks ago, I decided mid-flight to fight off a turbulence-induced panic attack by watching a movie (in addition to my usual booze-prayer combo). You know, anything to take my mind off the fact that I’m sitting next to the dude who decided, “Shoes are for suckers!” while hurtling through the sky in a metal tube.

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell!

Upon looking over the available flicks via Delta wifi, I realized I’d either already seen most of them or they were Sweet Home Alabama.

Nope. I’ll crash this plane myself first.

But wait! There’s that new-ish live-action Aladdin! “Hey, I loved the cartoon when I was a kid!”, I thought, while carefully examining a passing flight attendant’s face, looking for the slightest hint of worry in her exhausted eyes. If we’re going down, I wanna be the first to know so I can get a head start on freaking out.

Since I probably won’t get to fill out a comment card

At 10 minutes in, I found my fear of flying had melted away, only to be replaced by white hot irrational rage. “But what about Aladdin could make you angry?” you ask (stupidly). Look at this piece of shit. Just. Look. At. Him.

On my way to steal… ya girl, Greg!

Don’t see it? How about now?

I’m pretending instead of keys it’s my penis jingling in your face!

During his musical number “One Jump”, Aladdin – an apparently physically healthy, mentally competent young man, is snatching food from vendors’ carts while singing about how he doesn’t want to steal, but he has to (if he wants to eat, cuz he gotsta to eat to live!).

This motherfucker right here.

The entire time this smug, ripped-like-a-professional-soccer-player ASS KNUCKLE is jacking apples from people as poor or maybe worse off than him, he’s fucking doing PARKOUR. Dude is even in-shape enough to smirk like it ain’t no thang that he’s able to swing from building to building, gleefully singing , “Aw shucks, folks! I have no CHOICE but to steal from you or I’d literally die!”

♪♪ Gotta steal to pay for my crossfit sessions, otherwise we’d get along! ♪♪

Why won’t Aladdin get a job? He’s certainly capable. I mean Jesus, he figured out how to train his monkey to swipe the bracelet off your wrist (you know, instead of teaching it how to clean a fucking window or hold a sign that says ‘Will do monkey stuff for food’).

We are so fucking high right now you guys

This asshole can’t push a cart or broom? Right.

Sure, Jan.
This is where he squats. You just know the little shit’s stealing wifi.

Besides being the Agrabah equivalent of my uncle Doug, who collects disability for a “back injury” at work that nobody was around to verify and the security cameras didn’t catch, there are other reasons to hate Aladdin. This “Diamond in the Butt” lies to Princess Jasmine about who he is, then sneaks up to her room at night like a goddamn creeper Nosferatu. When she busts him stalking, he apologizes by kidnapping her with a fucking flying carpet. She is charmed by all of this, for some reason.

No seatbelts? You really are a selfish asshole.

And guys, I know I’m late to the game, I know this….BUT IS THIS WHY ROBIN WILLIAMS IS DEAD??

♪♪In West Philadelphia born and raised, to Agrabah so I can shit on Robin Williams’ grave – GIVE ME YOUR FIRST BORN SO THAT I MAY FEED ON THEIR FLESH BIG WILLY STYLE!♪♪

Hey Will Smith! Why do you keep doing shitty movies like this? There was a time not long ago in which you saved the motherfucking world from aliens, twice!..But I’m pretty sure just last week I saw you play an elf-fighting cop on Netflix. Who the everloving Christ is your agent and what’s he got on you??

Well I think I’m doing a great job, and that’s all that matters!..that and sweet, sweet chaos.

You better get someone new locked down fast, or next thing you know you’ll be signing onto Shyamalan’s “After Earth 2: Later and Earthier”.

I’ve got my talent hat on and I’m ready to Scifi, Papa!