A quick update about me: last week, I spent the entire week dealing with allergies that I assumed would go away. I felt better at some points, and worse at others. I couldn’t focus enough on anything other than dragging myself to work that I didn’t write the Power Rankings last week. I went though the entire weekend thinking I was getting better. Turns out, I was wrong. I finally broke down and went to a doctor today and it turns out that the allergies had spurred a massive infection that was attacking my throat and eyes. If the infection doesn’t get better through antibiotics and steroids, i’m going to have to go to the hospital Wednesday, which is…thrilling. Anyway, if this rankings isn’t great, it’s because I have zero will to write. I’m powering through for the site. Now, onto the rankings. I’m using the gap week to completely reset all of the rankings and work from this point for the rest of the season.
1: Baltimore Ravens
Sometimes, teams show up to games they know they are going to win, and therefore just sleepwalk through it and escape with a win. The Ravens went with a different option, which was to beat the absolute piss out of the Bengals, breaking their spirits in the process. Lamar Jackson is about one Russell Wilson misstep away from being the MVP front runner.
2: New England Patriots
I hope the Patriots spent their bye week getting healthy. Just kidding, we all know they were finding new ways to cheat.
3: Seattle Seahawks
There is something about this team. They never blow anyone out. Every game is tight, but they keep winning. When you have a great coach and a great quarterback, it can make up for quite a bit of other weaknesses on the team.
4: San Francisco 49ers
Remember how I kept harping about the fact that the 49ers hadn’t actually played anyone yet? Well, they played someone and it ended up being the game of the year so far. They lost, and their schedule doesn’t get any easier from here. The last undefeated team in the league is now staring at a mere one game lead in the division.
5: Green Bay Packers
I found it kind of insane that the Packers have a lower point differential than the Vikings, because I think the Packers are Super Bowl contenders and the Vikings are a bunch of boners who will find a way to end the season 9-7 and miss the playoffs. The Packers have an epic battle against the 49ers coming off a bye, followed by five very winnable games to end the season.
6: New Orleans Saints
I’m gonna go ahead and choose to believe that the Saints thought they were gonna tap dance through this game and it turned out, it just wasn’t their week. There is blame to go around, but i’m not overly concerned about a well coached team ghost riding though a random November game.
7: Minnesota Vikings
I’m putting them this high right now because that will make it so much more fun when they crap their pants the rest of the way and miss the playoffs.
8: Houston Texans
They fell into the perfect bye week. When everything else in the league was going to absolute hell, the Texans were able to sit at home and take control of the AFC South.
9: Kansas City Chiefs
Ope. It turns out the Chiefs defense is back to sucking a Boeing 747 sized ass, once again. Not saying it’s going to happen, but all of a sudden, the Raiders are within striking distance of them in the AFC West and is playing with as much confidence as any team in the NFL. The Chiefs managed to lose a game where their quarterback threw for 446 yard and three touchdowns. This could be an issue, for the everyith year in a row.
10: Oakland Raiders
Why the hell not? I believe in the Raiders more than I trust the Colts (without Jacoby Brissett), Titans, and the rest of the middle-of-the-road AFC middle road flotsam.
11: Carolina Panthers
On one hand, the Panthers might have won the game if they hadn’t taken that horrible Roughing the Passer penalty against Rodgers in the end zone. On the other, the Panthers had tons of time to come back and win that game and couldn’t get it done, coming up literally a foot short at the end. That said, the team isn’t awful by any stretch, and Kyle Allan has been good enough that Cam Newton is getting talked about as an offseason trade target.
12: Buffalo Bills
Well i’m freeeeeeeeee. Freee Fallingggggggg!
13: Indianapolis Colts
If Jacoby Brissett and TY Hilton get healthy, then this is very much still a playoff team. If Brian Hoyer has to lead this team for any period of time, then the team is completely screwed.
14: Philadelphia Eagles
They get to be ahead of the Cowboys because they had the good fortune of not playing this week.
15: Dallas Cowboys
They get to be behind the Eagles because they had the bad fortune of once again losing on national television.
16: Pittsburgh Steelers
Oh, fuck this shit. This team is back and because the AFC is so bad, they will probably end up as the 3 seed and will beat the crap out of the Texans in the wild card round.
17: Tennessee Titans
I’m personally looking forward to this team giving Ryan Tannehill 4 years/60 million after this season, only to see him turn back into a pumpkin the moment the 2020 NFL season starts.
18: Chicago Bears
I can assure you that Chicago talk radio is trying to talk itself into this team winning four more consecutive games and suddenly finding themselves at 8-5 with three games to play. This team is going to find a way to lose to the Giants and that will be that.
19: Jacksonville Jaguars
I was going to list the Jaguars ahead of the Bears, but the Jags are going back to Nick Foles, depriving the rest of the world of Minshew mania. A pox on you, Jacksonville! A pox!
20: London Chargers
Somehow, this team managed to beat the Bears and Packers, then turn around, go up against the Raiders and their league worst pass defense, and proceed to lose a game in which Rivers threw 11 interceptions, with several being saved via penalty.
21: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
They suck. But they are fun. But they suck.
22: Arizona Cardinals
They suck. But they are close in games. But they suck. But also, maybe not forever.
23: Detroit Lions
At one point, I had the Lions as high as top 10 this season. Then the Lions defense imploded into itself like a neutron star and right the hell out of playoff contention. Matthew Stafford has broken bones in his back. He’s probably going to try to play through it. Detroit will continue to burn. live and learn. Or something.
24: Cleveland Browns
Deep down, I really hope this team only wins three games all season. Like, if they could find a way to lose every game the rest of the way, that would be the most glorious way of sports just dunking on the city of Cleveland with the fervor of Dominique Wilkins in his prime.
25: Denver Broncos
Same record as the Browns, but infinitely less interesting.
26: Los Angeles Rams
I completely forgot to put them further up in the standings. They are probably in the 14-16 range, but they also suck-diddly-ucked against a Steelers team that was more than willing to lose the game, but the Rams kept giving it back to them. So you know what, i’m leaving the Rams here. Prove me wrong LA, prove me wrong.
27: Miami Dolphins
Two in a row! They are completely cocking up their rebuild and it’s absolutely fantastic to watch!
28: Atlanta Falcons
They came out, played hard, and got a signature win. That should give the coaching staff something to smile about as they are getting fired the day after the season ends.
29: New York Giants
Daniel Jones had a great game, but Saquon Barkley is very obviously hurt. The team is going into the tank. Barkley should be shut down for the year for his own sake, but you know for a fact the asshole coach of this team is going to march him out there and ruin him for the sake of his own job.
30: New York Jets
Yea, you beat the Giants, but you are still coached by human Bay of Pigs, Adam Gase.
31: Washington Native Americans throwing a tomahawks spiral straight up Daniel Snyder’s Asshole
Straight. Up. Daniel. Snyders. Asshole.
32: Cincinnati Bengals
Congrats Bengals, just keep this up. Next year, AJ Green will be healthy, giving that team a real crew of wide receivers for number one pick Joe Burrows to throw to next season.