It was a lazy July evening, one not without the typical musings and trappings of summers gone by. The fireflies were gesticulating their way to an early grave. The yearly rite of this year’s asphalt patches melting, then oozing down gravity’s rainbow. I had received a letter from a reader who wished to remain anonymous. She then slipped up and signed Agnes Cartwright at the bottom. The letter contained a vision she had been blessed with earlier in the week, shortly after elderly and compromised immunity shopping hours. The lady Cartwright believed she had seen star of stage and screen Greg Kinnear shopping for groceries. Central Indiana’s favorite investigative reporter was on the case.Continue reading “EYE ON PLAINFIELD: GREG KINNEAR SPOTTED AT KROGER”
By any metric, these last few weeks have been bad for the Trump presidency.
Over the weekend, President Trump attempted to get back on the campaign trail with a stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and it was poorly-attended. Twice in three days, members of the administration have had to find ways to justify the President’s use of the term “kung flu” to describe the coronavirus, which is still around despite what some GOP governors may have been telling you. The lone victories in the past ten days or so came from the President bragging that he was successfully able to walk down a ramp (on twitter) and drink a glass of water with one hand (in Tulsa). This kind of seems like the bar for presidential excellence is being set a tad low.
And yet, if I had to wager my last $100 on who would win the election in November, I would bet that Donald Trump would be re- elected.Continue reading “Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes”
As protests happen in Minnesota and there has yet to be an arrest in the murder of George Floyd, I sit here comfortably in my home drinking coffee in front of my laptop. I know the last thing anyone needs right now is the opinion of this tired, chubby white dude about race in this country. And, for the record, everyone is right.
That being said, all I can think about is this story. And I want to share it with you.Continue reading “I Don’t Know What To Title This Story Without Sounding Like A Pretentious, Irritating Piece Of Garbage”
They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.
Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.
And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?
So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?
Let’s get into it.Continue reading “The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes”
Over the weekend, Fancy Boys Club hit 20,000 total views for a website. So, if you will all excuse me, I’m about to buy a jet and fly to an island, which I will also buy. See you later, dorks! Next time you see me, I’ll be writing for McSweeneys or some shit!
Look, I’m obviously aware that 20k is not a lot of views for a website. This is still just a place where I get to write nonsense and read some amazing work from writers I really love and admire. However, the last 9 months have been an absolute blast, and we’ve put out some really interesting and special work. I’m really proud of the Fancy Boys Club, and I hope you have enjoyed visiting us as much as we’ve enjoyed giving you things to read. Also, I look at my wordpress app every fifteen minutes to see how well our blogs are doing.
So, if you’ll indulge me, I have a few thoughts.Continue reading “Reflection at 20,000”
With some states continuing their COVID-19 containment protocols into this month (as Illinois is), people are having more and more free time. Puzzles are getting completed at an alarming rate. Books which were meant to be read are being picked up… to return to the shelf because it’s in the way of the television remote. Series are being streamed.
And yes, it appears to be the perfect time to check out some new podcasts, baby!
Here are some of my favorite podcasts that you might want to check out. To make it even more appealing, these are podcasts created by some of my favorite comedians and content creators in the Chicago (and suburban) comedy scene. Let’s get podcasting!
Continue reading “Support Your Local Podcasters!”
After March Fatness, FBC co-founder Matt Drufke made one thing perfectly clear to every writer on this website: We must have more Little Caesars related on the website! Then he beat me with an extension cord for 40 minutes. I think it was something sexual. Who knows. But Matt’s unrequited love for Little Caesars has lead this website on a journey that comes to it’s natural apex with the newest item on the pizza chain’s menu: the Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!
Now I know what you are thinking, “Brandon, how could Little Caesars, noted innovators of the pizza genre, and industry standard, reinvent the game again? How could geniuses of the dough, proprietors of pepperoni, and masterminds of greatness raise their game to such a new level??”
WELL. THEY. DID.Continue reading “Fast Food Review: Little Caesars Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!”
You guys, I swear… I was trying to be nice.
I went into this weekend with a heart full of love and acceptance and a mind prepared to discuss differing opinions and determined to see the other side of the situation. I was going to be a different person; a unifier, a leader in difficult times.
That lasted most of a morning.Continue reading “How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?”
If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.Continue reading “How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story”
We’re all trapped in the amber of whatever this moment is, yet life goes on. It seems like eons ago that Planter’s killed off Mr. Peanut, beloved talking food item, only to resurrect him in the form of Baby Nut, one of the most vile and despicable creatures any of us have ever seen. Brands change, mascots need a refresh, and sometimes the hardest decision of all must come- to lose the mascot entirely. I awoke Saturday morning to the news that Land O’ Lakes, the butter behemoth based in Arden Hills, Minnesota, had ditched its mascot. To the uninitiated, Mia (she had a name, dammit!) appeared to be just a vague stereotype of a Native American woman. To me, she is something much more cognitively sinister.Continue reading “Minnesota Butter and the Droste Dimension: Farewell to the Land O’ Lakes Mascot”