One of the most ridiculous stories to come from President Trump’s first term was when he tried to purchase Greenland, presumably to make it another state (or, at the very least, another U.S. territory). It was met with general scoffing and mockery from both political sides (save for the Donald’s most ardent bootlickers) and seen by many as a petulant child getting upset that he couldn’t buy anything he wanted. I remember finding the idea ridiculous back in 2019. But now, I’m not so sure.
Now, I kind of think it’s fucking dope.
But why stop there?
Since August of 1959, when statehood was granted to Hawaii, our wonderful nation has stayed stagnant at 50 states. In fact, this is the longest we have gone in our nation’s history without adding another star to the flag, and I, for one, think that needs to change right now. Quite frankly, it’s un-American that we’ve just sat at 50 for this long, staying the same stupid size and the same stupid shape. We’re the country that is all about showing that we can be bigger and better, and we cannot do that without expanding.
If we’re gonna do it, we should make sure we’re doing it right. Sure, we could just add one or two states, like a total fucking wimp. But would that impress our allies and strike fear in the hearts of our enemies? No, it goddamned wouldn’t. If we’re gonna do this, I propose we go big. My idea: 50 new states. That just feels right. It feels… fucking American.
Now, some of these are easy, slam-dunk no-brainers and the fact that we haven’t done this yet is almost insulting. Some of these take a little more creativity, but that’s what America is about, baby! Thinking outside of the box and doing new things we’ve never done before. So, here is my proposal for doubling the amount of states in the union.
Let’s get territorial, mother-fuckers.
State #51: Greenland- Since Trump was the one who gave me the inspiration for this, and since he’s probably the only president who would try something like this, it only seems fair to give him the first new state. You want Greenland, Mr. President? It’s all yours.
States #52-56: The Territories- This is, quite franky, a slam-dunk. All of these places are already U.S. territories, so let’s just pull the trigger and get these silly bastards up on the board! Hey Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands… congrats. You all states now.
State #57: Washington D.C.- Honestly, how is this not a state? It’s in the continental U.S. It’s right there. Bam. New state.
State #58: Chicago (and surrounding suburbs): In Illinois, where I live, there are too many dummies who wish that Illinois would get rid of Chicago, despite the fact that the city and surrounding suburbs make up 77% of the state’s total wages, while over 50% of that is spent in the southern half of Illinois. But, whatevs. If people get mad because Chicago sets the tone for the state, I can change it right now: Chicago is officially a new state, and I would recommend that the remainder of the Land of Lincoln changes it’s name to “Dumber, Poorer Illinois”.
State #59: Toronto: America is the land of baseball and basketball, and I’m not going to let some fucking Canadian city host a team that won the World Series in back to back years and won the NBA title last year. Sorry, Toronto! If you didn’t want to be a state, you should be worse at sports! Also, your hockey team can no longer be the Maple Leafs; you’re now the Toronto Garth Brooks! (This was the most American thing I could think of in the moment.)
States #60-66: All of the places listed in the Beach Boys song “Kokomo”: You all remember that song; it fucking honks. It’s all about paradise and loving life and AMERICA WANTS TO CLAIM IT AND PUT GOLDEN CORRALS IN ALL OF THEM! So, the United States welcomes it’s newest members to the union: Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, and the Bahamas. Key Largo will secede from Florida in order to become it’s own state, and Montego Bay as well as Sandals Cay (formerly known as Kokomo Island) will be removed from Jamaica in order to make this all work. Obviously, Sandals Cay will change it’s name back to Kokomo OR BE NUKED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET!
State #67: Cuba- Since the death of Fidel Castro in 2016, it seems like our relationship has strengthened with Cuba. And what better way to say, “Hey, we’re friends now!” than taking you over and making you a state? Also, that song “Havana” by Camilla Cabello is a bop and won Best Music Video at the 2018 VMA’s.
States #68-77: The rest of the Caribbean– So, honestly, this is just because we have Cuba and all of the Kokomo places and adding Puerto Rico and those other places, it just seems like a good idea to have the complete set. So congrats to Trinidad & Tobago, St. Vincent & The Grenadines, St. Lucia, St. Kitts & Nevis, Haiti, Grenada, Dominican Republic, Dominica, Barbados, and Antigua & Barbuda… you’re states now.
States #78-81: While we’re at it…- It only makes sense to split of some of these Caribbean countries even more. Sure, St. Vincent & The Grenadines sounds like a badass indie band that Spotify is playing the shit out of, but why just take that one country when we can take it and divide it up? So, Trinidad is now separate from Tobago, St. Vincent has split from The Grenadines, St. Kitts has bid farewell to Newis, and Antigua and Barbuda have gone down their own paths. I just got us 14 states for the price of 10!
State #82: Russia- A couple of things here: first off, Sarah Palin can see it from her house, so it might as well be a state. Also, is Russia interfering in our elections, or do they just really badly want to participate? One way to find out. Congrats, Russia! You. A. State.
State #83: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s house- Because that man is a treasure and HE DESERVES TWO SENATORS AND ELECTORAL VOTES!
State #84: The State Of Sequoyah- Ok, this one took a little bit of research: In 1905, a group consisting of 5 major Indigenous American tribes came together and attempted to get a state made in the eastern part of what is now Oklahoma. Because America is full of shitty dickheads, this offer was rejected. Well, guess what’s back on the table? Bam! New state! Besides, Oklahoma is too big.
State #85: Hong Kong- Ok, I’m definitely not a foreign affairs expert, but I do know this: Hong Kong and China are pissed at each other. Like, Drake & Pusha T pissed. Also, the United States has had, what could only fairly be called, a bumpy time in our trade relations with China over the last four years, leading to all kinds of tariffs and angry farmers and what not. Well, it seems like the best way for Hong Kong to show China how pissed they are is to become a state! Sorry, China… Hong Kong is now the 85th state!
States #86 & 87: The North & South Poles- It just makes sense when you think about all of the cool shit there is over there: polar bears and penguins marching and Santa! Also, as we have learned from books and movies, the infrastructure to the North Pole is already set with their own express.
State #88: The Upper Peninsula of Michigan– The U.P. is too cool of a title for Michigan to hold onto by itself. It sounds like a drug for rock-climbers. Hey, Upper Peninsula, guess what? Welcome to statehood.
State #89: The Grand Canyon- I visited the Grand Canyon last year with my family, and had you asked me how I felt about going on the drive there, I would have told you that I’m excited but also could have gone my whole life without seeing it. Man, was I wrong. It’s just so pure and gorgeous and needs to be seen by everyone at least once. Just it’s beauty gives it statehood.
States #90 & #91: Disneyland & Disney World- They basically have their own laws, money, laws, and means of production. It’s kind of like having the Vatican City in our country, only there are two of them and there’s a chance you can meet Winnie The Pooh.
State #92: Baja California- You cannot have the word “California” in your name and be part of Mexico. Baja California, embrace your state-itude.
State #93: Gary, Indiana- Honestly, just doing Indiana a favor by getting it out of there. It’s just a state now. You’re welcome, Hoosiers.
State #94: The Philippines- The more I read about all the places that have tried to become states, the more fascinating this article becomes. I guess, in 2004, a group of legislators from the Philippines tried to make a push for statehood, talking about the history between the two countries, including the fact that Filipino forces fought with the United States Armed Forces during their territorial period. Sounds like a good enough reason for me. Hey, Philippines, welcome to the United States!
State #95: Iowa 80- Located in Walcott, Iowa, Iowa 80 is the world’s largest truck stop. It is four times bigger than an average truck stop, averaging 5,000 visitors daily and employing a staff of over 400. There are stores, showers, a dentist, a chiropractor, a barber shop, and a movie theater. I visited once and never wanted to leave. Iowa 80, you deserve statehood.
State #96: Atlantis- Is Atlantis, the fabled underwater city lost to time, real? We may never know. But, if it is, I’m calling dibs… it’s a fucking state.
State #97: Newfoundland- That’s right, Canada! We already took Toronto and now we’re taking your weird little island. Bam! It’s a state!
State #98: Quebec- Hey, Canada! We’re back for more. I just read that the very first signs of any biological life on the planet were found in Quebec, and that sounds cool so it’s ours now! Fuck, yeah! #State
State #99: Iceland- Honestly, just mostly taking this as something to match with Greenland. Plus, America now claims Björk!
State #100: The Moon: Because fuck yeah, the moon.
Fancy Boys Club 