I Solve Your School District’s Problems: Mask Mandates & CRT

As we approach the end of July, it is time for us to start thinking about the return of the school year. Yes, it is time for classes and books and teacher’s dirty looks and the other things Alice Cooper doesn’t care for to come back into the swing of things. However, over the last school year, people have seemed to get a lot more heated about exactly what is going on in our education systems. Parents are screaming at school board meetings and posting insane things on social media, because as we all know, watching a youtube video makes you an expert on any topic. And, good gravy, there are two specific topics which are driving people into a frenzy. I’m talking, of course, about mask mandates and Critical Race Theory (CRT). Republicans are hoping to whip up an enormous amount of fear and ride these two topics to big gains in the 2022 midterm elections. Most of us just wish people would shut up and let teachers do their job. But, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen, because everyone who shouldn’t have an opinion seems to be having the worst opinions.

Don’t worry though, everyone: I got this. I had a cup of coffee and a good breakfast and I’ve figured out some simple solutions we can all agree on.

You’re welcome.

The issue: Mask mandates

As many in the country have dug in their heels and decided that a vaccine is not for them even as the Delta Variant is spreading throughout the nation, COVID numbers are starting to, again, rise throughout the country. It is, irritatingly, seeming more and more likely that both students and teachers will be having to have masks be a part of this new normal as we go into the 2021-22 school year. What will this mean for sports and extracurricular activities and those gross teenagers who just have to make out in the middle of the hallway? Well, if we continue on this upward trend, things are not looking great.

This is particularly upsetting for me. Not only do I have a son starting his senior year of high school, but so many people who I love in my life (including my beautiful and amazing wife) are educators. I don’t want these people to have to spend their days behind masks, but I also want everyone being safe. Jesus Christ, you fucking idiots, get your goddamned vaccine! Oh, what’s that? You’re not going to get vaccinated but instead go to school board meetings and demand that no one should wear masks? Then you’re just a coward and an idiot.

Fortunately, I have an alternative solution that should make everyone happy. There seems to be only one solution, and that solution is that everyone wears a Daft Punk helmet.

Is there a better solution? I honestly don’t think so. Everyone is now avoiding spreading their gross germs to everyone else, plus the entire school is looking fucking badass. Can you imagine a hallway filled with people looking like everyone’s favorite dance robots? Honestly, it would just look exactly like a Daft Punk video, but those are awesome! Every school would feel like a Michel Gondry music video.

So, problem solved.


The issue: CRT

CRT stands for Critical Race Theory, which (if I understand things correctly) is basically the idea that some of the problems we, as a nation, had in the past are the cause to some of the problems we are currently facing today. I don’t know why this is a controversial idea, because that is just, literally, how time works- what has happened affects where we are now. Has no one against this idea seen Back To The Future? I get it’s an older movie, but it seems like it could explain a lot to people.

Opponents to CRT are, well, morons. And maybe, just maybe, a little racist.

I’m not trying to be mean or paint anyone with a broad brush, but when I read some of the arguments people are posting when these arguments make their way online, it’s hard not to wonder just what is wrong with so many people. I’ve seen people say that their child came home in tears saying that they didn’t want to be white anymore and people fear that this would lead to a second Civil War. It seems like the first problem could be cured with a good conversation. As for the second Civil War: well, I don’t want that, mostly because I think it would lead to Ken Burns’ worst documentary ever. But does anyone think that will really happen? Just look at recently history, and we all know what will happen: a bunch of conservatives will get mad, go to a school board meeting, break one podium, and then blame Antifa. All of this because it feels like some white people are scared of having their kids know that their ancestors either directly did (or were super ok with) some really fucked-up shit.

Don’t worry, everyone, because I have a solution to this, as well. And it’s really quite simple: We make everyone where a Daft Punk helmet.

Once everyone is helmeted up, then we just tell everyone that we’ve fixed the problem and that CRT now stands for Cool Robot Theory and make every kid learn about Daft Punk. If we as a nation can agree on anything, it’s that kids should be safe in school and weird French dudes in costume make amazing music. I would even be willing to help write a lot of the curriculum, including an excessively lengthy history chapter about how much Daft Punk made Kanye West’s Yeezus album slap so hard. Also, think of all the cool robots we could talk about: the Terminator, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, and Chappie! Ok, that last one might be a stretch.

And then once we’ve tricked the dumb-dumbs, we can go back to teaching real history, because that shit is important and we need to know about it.


In conclusion, I look forward to all of you nominating me to serve on your school boards. Let’s get ready to learn.

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