I went into this weekend with a heart full of love and acceptance and a mind prepared to discuss differing opinions and determined to see the other side of the situation. I was going to be a different person; a unifier, a leader in difficult times.
If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.
Hey Everyone. While i’m wallowing in my own sense of defeat at the persistent end of days scenario that this stupid simulation of the world seems to be hucking us towards, I reached out for questions from my friends on Facebook so I can solve the internet for them! Take it away, my dear, dear friends!
Ciao. Ta ta. Sayonara. Is it sad? Can’t say I was totally invested in it, but there were some things that certainly spent time idling about hoping against all hope the XFL would return and flourish. As such, while I broke open the grill for another fabulous outdoor season of sizzling meat by tending to a rack of baby backs, I decided to conduct an interview with one who had been in the trenches since not only this re-issue of the XFL, but has been there since the first XFL experiment.
With all the hubbub, hullabaloo or both if you prefer (after all it is your life), I completely neglected to scribble out something for the Roughneck Report, Take 5.
I mean what was I thinking about? What else could possibly be going on to thwart me from my duties as the Roughnecks numero uno fan of the fan base probably only known by me as the Rowdies?
I could have been thinking that maybe… possibly… along the lines of our esteemed federal government this whole ‘virus thing’ would blow over, cross our collective paths like an errant tumbleweed across the great American desert.
Well my friends, that was not it. Those of us who are relatively sane knew how the Administration of the Bloated Circus Peanut would stumble around like a bantamweight after a Henry Cejudo haymaker and for certain fuck this whole mess up.
Oh well, back to the report. Okay. The Roughnecks have finished the aborted season undefeated and for certain are the de facto champions for the 2020 XFL season which may possibly be the only XFL season.
Hand them the fucking trophy Vince McMahon, which I think is just his head in a fabulous bronze patina.
Congrats Roughnecks. Now you can afford to go out and find a logo that doesn’t rip-off the old Houston Oilers.
No ending cheer. Season’s over.
PS Seriously be safe out there and do not trust in the Federal Government to give two shits about you and your family, not with the bleating yam in charge.
PPS Weezer really got me pumped to whip this little old report right quickly. Thanks!
I’ve had a lot of fun writing the firsttwo stories in this series. They’ve been fun for a lot of reasons: it’s been great to reminisce about the old days with some of my friends who have read this, I hope I’m presenting some good lessons on what not to do to newer comedians, and it’s been a super-joy to dunk on some assclowns who kinda (absolutely) deserve it.
To start this newest edition, however, I think I’m going to start with the best piece of advice I can give anyone in comedy when dealing with a booker. Not only is it good comedy advice, but it’s good life advice.
In the time we are currently living in what’s better than to take stock of what we can’t do right now in Woodstock, Illinois – dine in. But first, I must digress before we digest.
I thought I could stretch this to three parts, but then I’d have to count the McHenry County Courthouse as a place to eat. Trust me it’s not, as the vending machines suck. Plus, the McHenry County Courthouse is where I got my car keyed. You’d think the person who did it would have had enough sense not to do it in a parking lot full of cops, but no, my ex-wife did it anyway. Before you laugh at her absolute awful place to pick? Stop. She got away with it. The McHenry County Courthouse has so many cops around they don’t have cameras in the parking lot. She confessed much later to our kids and that’s the only reason I know. How special.
Thanks for allowing me to get that off my chest. Much better now.
(Author’s note: Many of you seemed to really love reading my last story about booking comedy shows.The amount of people who wrote to me telling me what a great story it was- and also wanting to know the name of the comedian who I was talking about- was wonderful and amazing and I appreciate all of it. So, here’s another story for you.
As a note, I do want to say that this story had been previously published on another site. In fact, I wrote it on the, literal, last day the site was still taking submissions. When this story originally came out, there was a really fun conversation that Brandon and I had about comedy and writing and this blog made me realize just how much I loved not only writing, but working with Brandon. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that writing this was a strong catalyst for me wanting to continue working with people I respected and who I felt respected me, which is directly what led to Fancy Boys Club.
The previous site has removed this piece per my request, so I re-present it to you now.)
So, things are scary right now and you have some young kiddos and you need to make sure they feel safe and secure, right? You need to make sure that they know that everything is going to be OK. I get it.
So first, let’s get this out of the way, everything IS going to be OK. You’re fine. Your kids are going to be fine. Your husband or wife is going to be fine. Your parents… well there is like an 84 percent change they are going to be just fine. Sure, you don’t exactly work in an “essential field” and there is a decent chance you are going to be laid off or at least furloughed. But hey, on the bright side, you learned the word furloughed today and that’s something to hang your hat on.
Remember that day of your best friend’s wedding when you learned the word veranda? That was a wonderful, beautiful day, and this day is exactly like that day. You are learning new words and it is exactly the same thing. So, don’t worry about getting furloughed. Grab a beer, sit out on the veranda and enjoy the nice March weather! Is it too chilly for that? I haven’t been outside in like a week, but I’m sure it’s perfect veranda weather!
Now that all of that is out of the way and… wow you chugged that beer real quick huh? Ok grab another, I’ll wait. It’s cool.