The sports world was saddened today as Tom Brady announced his retirement, assumably so he can continue what appears to be his true passion of making incredibly cheesy commercials for rental car companies. There is no way to understate Brady’s dominance of the NFL, and you could make the argument that he is not only the best quarterback in the history of the league, but also the best player.
However, I am not interested in comparing him to all QBs or every person to ever play in the NFL. I’m only curious in how Brady stacks up to one man.
And, by man, I mean dog.
As wonderful as Tom Brady is and as impressive as his legacy will remain, he simply does not hold a candle to Air Bud, the amazing dog who began his career doing Stupid Pet Tricks for David Letterman and became the head of a Disney franchise. When you’re comparing Bud to Brady, it’s not even that Bud is undeniably better, he absolutely wipes the floor with Brady. Let’s take a look at 4 key criteria in which this golden retriever absolutely schools the three-time NFL MVP:
Air Bud is a more versatile athlete
Sure, Brady may be the best QB ever. But that is simply one position in one sport. Let’s take a look at all of the sports Buddy the dog excelled in:
He began with basketball (Air Bud), then moved to football (Air Bud: Golden Retriever), switched gears and took on soccer (Air Bud: World Pup), changed directions again and tried his luck at baseball (Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch) and then set his sights on volleyball (Air Bud Spikes Back). There was no sport this dog couldn’t handle. I bet he could have figured out how to wore skates and dominated hockey. I would have loved to see him ride a horse and own dressage. Name any sport and Air Bud crushed it.
Now, some of you may be saying, “But Buddy played in middle school and high school matches against pre-teens and teenagers while Brady played against the best players in the world!” You would be correct about that and I definitely factored that in. However, I believe this is offset by the simple fact that AIR BUD DOESN’T HAVE ANY FUCKING FINGERS OR HANDS, and you kind of need those for basketball, baseball, football and volleyball. There is no way a paw is MORE beneficial to basketball than a hand, as proven by the fact that Buddy shoots the ball by hitting it with his head. Could Tom Brady be a successful player with paws? No. He could not.
Also, if you don’t think Air Bud has any professional pedigree, then I don’t think you were paying attention to this brilliant pentathlon of films. Did you forget that Buddy is there when the United States women’s soccer team beat Norway in the finals? Were you unaware of his at-bat for the Anaheim Angels in Seventh Inning Fetch? While Golden Receiver ends with him running onto the field during a Seahawks game, we all know that once Pete Carroll saw that dog, he found a way to get him in the offensive scheme.
Point to the dog.
Air Bud is a more valuable player
Yes, Tom Brady is a five-time Super Bowl MVP. And his win-loss record is impressive. But here’s the thing about Buddy: he doesn’t goddamned lose. Ever.
Not only does Air Bud bring every team he plays for a championship, he is the catalyst for why this team wins. He’s scoring buckets, hitting dingers, doing… something with volleyballs; I dunno, I never watched that movie. Am I saying that if Air Bud were on the Tampa Bay Bucs that they would have beaten the Rams in the playoffs? You’re absolutely right. I am saying that.
Now, there is one time that Buddy was unable to play the full championship game, and that is in Golden Receiver. While he is instrumental in helping his team, The Timberwolves, mount an impressive comeback, he is unable to finish the game because of an injury. However, in classic “win one for the gipper” fashion, he does motivate his owner, Josh Framm, to lead his team to victory.
But even more impressive is this fact: Bud is unable to start the game because he was kidnapped by Russians who wanted to turn him into a circus dog. How many times has Brady been captured the day before a game in the hopes of turning him into a Russian circus dog? Zero times.
It’s like Tom Brady doesn’t even know what adversity means. Point for Air Bud.
Air Bud has never been accused of cheating
To some people, Brady’s name will always be synonymous with deflategate, which caused the, then, Patriot quarterback to serve a four-game suspension while also costing the Pats a million dollars and draft choices. Air Bud would never do anything like that, even though a deflated football would be much easier for him to catch with his teeth.
That dog has character. And wins this round.
Air Bud has more impressive progeny
I know very little about Brady’s son and daughter, and I think that’s a good thing. They can’t help that their dad is a superstar and they deserve their privacy and the ability to live their lives however they want. That being said, they’re almost definitely total honking losers compared to Air Bud’s puppies. Sorry kids.
We first understand the special abilities of the “Air Buddies” during Seventh Inning Fetch, when they begin disappearing because a kidnapper (and his raccoon sidekick named Rocky) believed these puppies would contain a special gene to create an army of amazing dog athletes. And this kidnapper would be right because these pups, children of Bud and Molly (whom he meets in World Pup) are pretty special.
Over the course of their nine movies, They defeat kidnappers. They go to space. They defeat an alien invasion. They save Christmas THREE TIMES IN THREE SEPERATE MOVIES (Santa Buddies, The Search For Santa Paws, and Santa Paws 2: Santa Pups).
Oddly, the one thing they don’t do in any of their movies is play any sports. Perhaps the kidnapper was mistaken, though I would point out that Tom Brady has played zero games while his children were held hostage in the hopes to be used to genetic manipulation experiments.
It’s like he wasn’t even trying to be great.