When news broke yesterday that billionaire weirdo Elon Musk had purchased Twitter, the social media site became abuzz with theories. Is this simply a way for Musk to add to his pile of expensive toys? Or was this a way for Musk to allow people like Donald Trump to rejoin the platform (which might be the only way for him to, legitimately, win back the presidency in 2024)?
The truth is much more weird, as the truth usually is.
Through a series of FOIA requests and secret sources within the deep state, I have found out the true reason behind Musk’s recent acquisition. However, even with any of those things, I had known the reason all along. Because the true story is very personal.
Want to know why Musk owns Twitter? It’s all because of me.
Let me explain.
Most people know of Musk’s relationship with eccentric pop star Grimes, which resulted in some kids with weird names (one was a surrogate birth). A lot of people know that Grimes and Musk have recently split. What few people know is how much their breakup was because of my twitter account, which can be found here.
In texts obtained through secret sources, Musk was furious at how much Grimes loved my twitter account. He texted his ex-wives multiple times, “I wish Grimes loved me as much as she loved Matt Drufke’s twitter account.” There are also many texts where he asked people, “Who is Matt Drufke? And why is my partner, the pop star Grimes, referring to him as the comedic voice of a generation?” Perhaps most damning was this text to Grimes, shortly before their breakup:
Grimes, it’s me. Elon Musk. Please stop looking at @ihatemattdrufke. I’m sitting right next to you in bed and I feel like texting you is the only way for you to notice me. For real. This is hurting my feelings. I made an electric car. And a rocket. Why do you spend so much time on this sometimes funny, sometime sad twitter account with less than 2,500 followers?Real text from Elon Musk to Grimes
Alas, Grimes was not just talking to Musk about my twitter account. In 2021, a group text of weird pop stars tried to form an intervention to get her to stop talking about my hilarious tweets. FKA Twigs wrote, “Grimes, we get that you think he’s hilarious. But we are tired of getting texts from you ever time he tweets.” When Icelandic singer Björk asked, “Is this some weird crush you have?”, Grimes would go on to admit that while I am easy on the eyes, she just respects my mind and my comedic sensibility. Robyn pleaded with Grimes to no DM me, because she feared it would come off as “stalker-y and weird”. When all the stars asked why Grimes does not like or retweet any of my posts or even follow me, she responded that she follows me with an alt-account as to avoid further angering Musk.
Then, a week ago, this text was sent from Musk to his business manager:
Hello, business manager. It’s me. Elon Musk. If Grimes loves the (granted, hilarious) @ihatemattdrufke twitter account more than me, I only have one course of action: to own twitter. He may own her funny bone, but I shall own his beloved platform. Go do some business so I may obtain it.Another super-real Elon Musk text
The rest, as they say, is history.
So, am I as brilliant as Grimes believes I am?
On one hand, taste is subjective. You may not enjoy my comedy, and that’s fine (NOTE: it is not fucking fine). On the other hand, yes. I’m a goddamned delight.
Let’s check out some recent tweets.
So, there you have it. Again, my apologies. And, as a special message to Grimes, thanks for following. I’m sorry your fandom will lead to twitter’s ruin.