The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 5 and 6

The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 5 and 6

We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!

5.Cheese Product


Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti

I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.

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The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 3 and 4

The Ultimate Snack Foods Draft: Rounds 3 and 4

“You slap some oreos into the blender along with Ben and Jerrys, then top it off with a Toblerone and buddy, you have yourself a party.”
-Abraham Lincoln

We are back for another round of indulgence. Get on your sweatpants, baby, because where we are going, you won’t be needing anything that will constrict your waist line! Today we are doing snack cakes/pastrys and Cereal. Most people call that breakfast. Stoners call it dinner. We here at FBC call it a small snack. In a world where calories matter, and you are supposed to always look better than food tastes, Jake, Tim, Rick, Michael and myself are here to remind everyone to let your fat flag fly. You only get to live once, and if you are going to spend that one life eating quinoa, then is that really a life lived at all?

Round 3.Snack Cake/Pastry (includes non-cookie baked goods, rice krispie treats, etc.)

Michael Grace-Zebra Cakes

When you’re a child, you might have wondered what it was like to eat a cloud. Sure, the wisdom of adulthood allows you the knowledge of knowing that it would be just frosty, probably a little dirty air. But as a kid, when everything is magic and rainbows, you imagine a sweet, soft delight. Perhaps cotton candy, perhaps a piece of moist vanilla cake covered in frosting just tense enough to crack when you first bite, but never giving credence to the idea that what you’re eating is anything short of a blissfully divine treat. Once consumed, your soul returns to your body, the problems of the daily grind resume. But wait, just as Master Yoda once said… “there is another.”

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The Ultimate Snack Food Draft: Rounds 1 and 2

The Ultimate Snack Food Draft: Rounds 1 and 2

What a long and strange quarantine it has been (and is continuing to be and will continue to be until there’s a vaccine because pandemics don’t just end because you are bored and miss patio brunch, Karen). Quarantine brought many things, but one of its biggest challenges is what we, as adults, ought to do with its biggest silver lining; spare time that we never thought we’d see until we are old enough for our testicles to touch the toilet water. All across the world, many people have spent these newfound hours learning new practical skills, picking up new hobbies, and committing to fitness, among countless other productive options. However, we have a feeling a lot of you are like us, and your quarantine checklist may have been edited from “commit to fitness” to “commit to ‘fitness’ whole-ass frozen pizza in my tummy’.

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part Two

Let’s call this part the final part, The Closer: The National League.

Part One, The Starter, I delved into a bit of history regarding our ballyhooed National Anthem as well as provided somewhat cogent thoughts on what songs could replace the National Anthem for each American League city. Part Two, The Closer, we will hit the National League cities, but first a few questions:

Why the fuck are we playing the National Anthem at all? What patriotism comprises the beginning of a ballgame? Should we play a game before we battle another country? Is that what we should be doing now? Send our troops over to a foreign country and force them to play an American game before war games commence?

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part One

Let’s call Part One – First Starter: The American League

Is there a more perfect time to make a change in how you start a ballgame than now? It’s a question posited by fellow Fancy Boy Jake Breunig and frankly a damn good one.

Now Jake wrote a fabulous article about abolishing the National Anthem this past August. I will defer to him his over-arching replacement choice(s) and instead give each city their just due. However, let’s first take a look at our National Anthem. What we sing is not the entire song. Why? Well it’s what one could call a little shitty toward ‘freemen’ AKA ‘slaves who were freed yet still being treated like shit on both sides.’ As with every war involving America, only the poor and minorities are asked/told to pick up a rifle. During the War of 1812 (when Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that became a song… and later the anthem), freemen were not only ‘enlisted’ to fight for the American side, but the British took a lot of them and “allowed them to fight against their oppressors” which is code for “hello good dark chap, take this rifle and hustle up to the front lines and sacrifice yourself for our cause.”

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The things that didn’t make John Bolton’s new book

The things that didn’t make John Bolton’s new book

Former national security advisor John Bolton and his boss as fuck mustache are back in the news now that his book, The Room Where It Happened, is getting close to being published. Bolton, who refused to testify in the House impeachment proceedings and was blocked by senate republicans from testifying, has been attacked by President Trump by allegedly revealing classified information as well as just spilling some fun tea, like revealing that the most powerful man in the world believed Finland was part of Russia.

What people don’t know is that it was much worse.

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Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

So, it’s finally come to this. First, Covid-19 came for us. Then, it came for our businesses. Now, it’s coming for our right to get menacingly drunk on our flights to Tallahassee.

A host of airlines have made the decision in light of social distancing measures to limit and/or ban alcohol on their domestic flights. This, of course, is absolute hell to people such as myself who are 6’4 and need alcohol to fit themselves into coach and have the patience to not punch the pant load in front of them who decided to lean their chair back as far as possible while they jam Cheez It’s into their fat gullet while their asshole kids sit quietly, knowing that their only opportunity at Cheez It’s will be if their bastard father falls asleep.

So far, American Airlines and Delta have gotten rid of drink service domestically, while foreign carriers such as Virgin Air and British Airways have also axed their alcohol service in the short term. While some will continue serving food and drink to the lucky ones who sit in first class, everyone else will be subjected to no alcohol, expired corned hash, and crackers, all of which will be thrown at them from a safe distance, most likely through a moderately powered t shirt cannon.

While this could all be temporary and things might return to normal soon, it might be time to start to consider that this is just another step that the airlines are making to turn their planes into combat style thunder domes at 30k feet. The seats are too small? All part of their plan. Broken everything on the planes? Even better. No alcohol to loosen people up? Alcohol carts have been replaced by swords and tridents.

FIRST RULE OF FLYING FRONTIER AIRLINES IS YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FRONTIER AIRLINES!!!

In these trying times, we don’t need less alcohol. We need more. Mile High Prohibition is the path towards perdition. Nothing good happened to this country during Prohibition. Crime was up. Murder rates were up. Mobs ran everything. Baseball was still just fat white guys. The television was still decades from being invented. Betty White was born two years into prohibition, and would not gain popularity until way after it was repealed.

If nothing else, this brings us one step closer to the traveler’s manifest destiny: BYOB Airlines. That’s right. Anything you buy at the Duty Free Store is absolutely fair game. And Duty Free Stores can sell beer, too. Turn airplanes into a TGI Fridays in the sky. Save money on flight attendants by replacing them with blenders and margarita machines.

During times of trouble is when people are at their best. Do the right thing, Delta. OPEN. FUCKING. BAR. IN THE SKY.

The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.

Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.

And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?

So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?

Let’s get into it.

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Reflection at 20,000

Reflection at 20,000

Over the weekend, Fancy Boys Club hit 20,000 total views for a website. So, if you will all excuse me, I’m about to buy a jet and fly to an island, which I will also buy. See you later, dorks! Next time you see me, I’ll be writing for McSweeneys or some shit!

Look, I’m obviously aware that 20k is not a lot of views for a website. This is still just a place where I get to write nonsense and read some amazing work from writers I really love and admire. However, the last 9 months have been an absolute blast, and we’ve put out some really interesting and special work. I’m really proud of the Fancy Boys Club, and I hope you have enjoyed visiting us as much as we’ve enjoyed giving you things to read. Also, I look at my wordpress app every fifteen minutes to see how well our blogs are doing.

So, if you’ll indulge me, I have a few thoughts.

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Bombs Away and we’re not Okay

What is it that I can do to make this young woman laugh? Hell, what is it I can do just to make her relax enough to uncross her arms?

She sat there staring at me. It felt like an eternity up there, trotting out 4 minutes of material about my mother. It wasn’t the best, but it had worked before. A few laughs here and there, enough to revise it, throw some parts out, try to add some in.

But it wasn’t working. Not on Rhiamon (not her real name but it fits). Whatever I had done to somehow suck out every single bit of bile from her and none of the laughter? That was working. It’s not what I wanted, but it was what I was going to get.

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