What Alaska lacks is certainly not scenery. You can’t swing an Ulu knife around your head without seeing some sort of spectacular scenery. What it needs is direction, as in signage.
Sign Issue #1 – Directional Signage
Anchorage AK (pronounced by locals as “InkRidge”) is effectively Rockford IL (pronounced by locals as “Rockford”). Rockford has its special places, but so does Anchorage. However, Rockford has highways that actually connect to one another without the ‘aid’ of stoplights and has signage announcing said departure from one highway to another. Anchorage? A single highway rolls into another single highway, both running north-south. Does it make sense? Well, no. AK 1 aka “The Seward Highway” runs from Seward north to Anchorage. It goes from a two-lane 55 MPH road (it’s a coastal highway in an area where earthquakes are a given so this makes sense) to a 6-lane 65 MPH highway to a 4-lane “highway” with stoplights. The “C-word” (they do pronounce it Sue-word but I was calling it C-word because I’m a self-entertaining idiot) then runs its course by veering west to the Glenn Highway. There’s a sign indicating the Glenn Highway is coming up but it’s just labeled as “Glenn Highway” not “Glenn Highway next right” – which it wouldn’t be the next one – or “Glenn Highway exit 6th Avenue” – which in Anchorage it is 6th Avenue, then turns into the Glenn Highway once north of Anchorage. Does this make any sense? No.
Let me start by first saying the obvious: Fuck Cancer. Let me continue by saying something else that is obvious: Norm Macdonald was one of the best, smartest, and most loved comedians that ever lived. The way he told jokes put him in a class all of his own. He never seemed to care about the trends of comedy. He never mattered much for kissing the ring of the latest sensation in stand up. For nearly five decades, he just went out and was quintessentially Norm Macdonald, a character nobody else could possibly play.
If your social media is anything like mine, the last half week has been filled with people angry at President Biden’s announced vaccine mandate. To summarize in case you haven’t picked up the internet: if your business has over 100 employees, they all have to be vaccinated or tested weekly or your business could suffer financial penalties.
“Tyranny,” some have cried out. “This is pure madness by a government gone wrong!” Granted, most of those people have been big gaping sacks of dumb, but they have a voice and we should consider what they’re saying. After all, we have to accept that there are people who just aren’t going to get vaccinated.
Not only that, but there’s good news: those same dummies crying “Tyranny!” are the same numbskulls who are going to fix another one of our nation’s current problems. I’ve figured it all out.
As we approach the end of July, it is time for us to start thinking about the return of the school year. Yes, it is time for classes and books and teacher’s dirty looks and the other things Alice Cooper doesn’t care for to come back into the swing of things. However, over the last school year, people have seemed to get a lot more heated about exactly what is going on in our education systems. Parents are screaming at school board meetings and posting insane things on social media, because as we all know, watching a youtube video makes you an expert on any topic. And, good gravy, there are two specific topics which are driving people into a frenzy. I’m talking, of course, about mask mandates and Critical Race Theory (CRT). Republicans are hoping to whip up an enormous amount of fear and ride these two topics to big gains in the 2022 midterm elections. Most of us just wish people would shut up and let teachers do their job. But, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen, because everyone who shouldn’t have an opinion seems to be having the worst opinions.
Don’t worry though, everyone: I got this. I had a cup of coffee and a good breakfast and I’ve figured out some simple solutions we can all agree on.
Both blink-182 guitarist Tom DeLonge and Chicago comedian Mike Maxwell understands something very clearly: Work sucks. They know.
Where DeLonge expressed that sentiment in one song, Maxwell has done something on a much larger scale: he has created The Anti-Boss, a one-man show which takes a look into the world of the workplace. The show, which will happen next on July 7th at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora, has been showcased at clubs and festivals. Mike answered a few questions for us over e-mail, and because of his knowledge of workplace frustrations, we CC’d his answers to all of the wrong people.
With comedy shows starting to open back up, I’ve decided to bring back the one series of articles that is, by far, the most popular thing I’ve ever written for this site. That’s not too surprising. Comedians love to talk shit about each other. We looooooooooooove it. And there are certainly plenty of dudes to trash.
When people find out I do stand-up comedy, they usually ask me who some of my favorite comedians are. And one name always pops to the front of mind every time, but I never say who it is. It’s too hard to explain to someone how one of the funniest and most original talents I’ve ever been lucky enough to witness is a name they’ve never heard of and a comic they’ll never see.
And it’s too hard to talk about how the brilliant Dan Ronan, a man I considered a friend, passed away.
I thought I’d take a big giant step onto a frozen pond and take a look into the NHL playoffs. After all, they started two days go. Perfect timing… except the NHL, while starting Round 1 of the playoffs is STILL MAKING TEAMS FINISH THE SEASON WHO DIDN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.
Seriously, CAPS is the only way I can make a statement here. This is so blindingly stupid I cannot even put it into words other than MAKING THEM ALL CAPS. The Vancouver Canucks and Calgary Flames, two teams who haven’t been in any contention whatsoever to snag any playoff spot in the Scotia North division since, I don’t know, mid-March, have two regular season games left. The play tonight and tomorrow. This is going on DURING ROUND 1 OF THE PLAYOFFS.
Does this make any sense? Is it me? Have the NHL brass been playing pond hockey without helmets again? Traditionally – well hell let’s just throw tradition right out the window into a snowdrift shall we – the playoffs begin when the season ends. Every single major sport does it this way. Why you may ask? So the entire focus is on the playoffs and not wondering how the bottom tier teams are going to do tonight and what impact it has on their draft slot. WHO CARES?! NO ONE!
By the time the season ends for the Flames and Canucks, four of the first-round matchups will be done with Game 2 of their respective series. This is so incomprehensibly stupid I cannot get my head around it SO I JUST HAVE TO USE CAPS.
Sigh. Deep breath. STUPID. Try again,. Sigh. Deep breath. Meditate. Don’t think. Let it go. Frozen. Frozen. Canada. Flames. Canucks. DAMMIT. I’ll be back.
The reality is that while the vaccination rollout in the country has been pretty amazing, it’s starting to hit a speed bump I don’t think a lot of people expected: too many people are choosing to not participate, leading our nation to worry we may not hit the herd immunity number. For reasonable Americans, this causes a great deal of confusion, anxiety and trepidation. That being said, I imagine Tucker Carlson and Jenny McCarthy meet to talk about this and excitedly bone every night. Shame on you, Jenny… you’re married.
This could be thought of two ways – the NHL has reached the 80th percentile on their way through the regular season… or the NHL is really playing at about 80% overall right now.
In truth, it’s both.
This article was all set to run Monday morning… as in Monday the 19th of April. Sunday the 18th was supposed to be Colorado Avalanche game number 45, the benchmark for roughly 80% through the regular season.