An Agnostic Football Fan Guide to the Super Bowl

An Agnostic Football Fan Guide to the Super Bowl

So it’s that time of the year. The biggest sporting event of the season is happening and your favorite team is long since eliminated from contention. The elimination could be heartbreaking (49ers/Chiefs) or predetermined by fate (Jaguars/Lions). Thirty fan bases are left out in the rain on February 13th. And the remaining fanbases?

Bengals fans have been so embarrassed by their team over the past three decades that they didn’t really claim their own existence until a month and a half ago.

The Rams….well, they don’t have fans. I can speak to this because I was in St. Louis over the weekend, when they beat the 49ers to go to the Super Bowl. The team, who existed in the STL until just a couple years ago, do not have many fans (more on this later). The team now exists in Los Angeles, which doesn’t give a damn about them.

Over 70 million people watch the Super Bowl each year. The vast majority of those people are not fans of the Bengals or Rams. Welcome to the Agnostic Football Fan Guide to Super Bowl LVI.

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4 Ways In Which Tom Brady Is Inferior To Air Bud

4 Ways In Which Tom Brady Is Inferior To Air Bud

The sports world was saddened today as Tom Brady announced his retirement, assumably so he can continue what appears to be his true passion of making incredibly cheesy commercials for rental car companies. There is no way to understate Brady’s dominance of the NFL, and you could make the argument that he is not only the best quarterback in the history of the league, but also the best player.

However, I am not interested in comparing him to all QBs or every person to ever play in the NFL. I’m only curious in how Brady stacks up to one man.

And, by man, I mean dog.

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2021 NFL Draft First Round Live Blog

2021 NFL Draft First Round Live Blog

Welcome everybody to my constantly updating live blog where I’ll be giving my thoughts about picks throughout tonight’s first round of the NFL draft. All of the lovey eyes being made between prospects and teams. All of the subterfuge and personality testing. Everything is done. Tonight is where the rubber hits the road. Tonight is about changing teams through the draft and…..BAH GAWD THAT’S AARON RODGER’S MUSIC!

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The Few Things I Got Right, and The Ton of Stuff I Got Wrong in the NFL in 2020

The Few Things I Got Right, and The Ton of Stuff I Got Wrong in the NFL in 2020

I am wrong. A lot. My gambling account this season is a reminder of how wrong I can be. I occasionally get things right, as well. But, oh man, I’m wrong all the time when it comes to sports. When you drone about nothing as much as I do, i’ts bound to happen. With the football season ending a couple nights ago, I was left with the sadness that, not only did I no longer have a reason to get spectacularly drunk on Sundays, but that I had to come to terms with what was probably my worst season in terms of prognosticating and gambling.

Part of it was the fact that i’ve spent the better part of six months with a broken brain. Full stop, not looking for sympathy. I have been able to function as a human being, albeit with medication and therapy. It is hard to focus on football when you spend every waking moment of your life thinking that your entire world is crumbling around you.

The other part of it is that I just can’t throw myself into football like I used to. As Blink 182 opined two decades ago, “I guess this is growing up.”

Life just takes up too much time. Family, friends, a society imploding into itself like a neutron star. Oh, and the whole Covid thing. I got Covid pretty bad midway through the season. 2020 was a shitty year for damn near everyone. I was no exception. So it’s time for me to take some L’s and talk about the few things I got right, and all the stuff I got wrong about the 2020 NFL season.

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Fancy Boys Football: Preseason Mailbag

Fancy Boys Football: Preseason Mailbag

Football season is back! Or at least it will be pending some kind of COVID or other 2020 apocalyptic type disaster. To help you get ready for the season, we’re bringing the mailbag back. As always, Football novice Matt Drufke has the questions and so-called experts Brandon Andreasen and Jack Baker have the answers.

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NFL Draft Live Blog Night 2: Electric Boogaloo

NFL Draft Live Blog Night 2: Electric Boogaloo

Brandon Andreasen, 5:58 PM: I’m back everyone! I was planning on skipping tonight, and just hanging out, having a few drinks and watching the draft after a long day of work. For those keeping track, I was at work all night last night to cover for my supervisor having the day off. I left work at 10:45 PM last night, and then to cover my first shift supervisor, I was back at work at 4:45 AM this morning. Well guess what? My second shift supervisor didn’t come to work again today, so i’m in the back end of an 18 hour work day today, and coming to you live as I slowly lose my mind!

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Buh-Bye XFL – A chat

Ciao. Ta ta. Sayonara. Is it sad? Can’t say I was totally invested in it, but there were some things that certainly spent time idling about hoping against all hope the XFL would return and flourish. As such, while I broke open the grill for another fabulous outdoor season of sizzling meat by tending to a rack of baby backs, I decided to conduct an interview with one who had been in the trenches since not only this re-issue of the XFL, but has been there since the first XFL experiment.

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Roughneck Report – Take 4

Woot. Woot… and Woot.

Yes, Roughneck fans, and you know who you are you Rowdies, the Roughnecks are undefeated! You know what that means, yep – they have yet to lose a game!

Un•de•feat•ed: not defeated, especially in a battle or other contest.

The Houston Roughnecks rolled into Dallas like a drunk tumbleweed on acid and demolished the retched Renegades. Oh sure the final score, 27-20, and those pesky factual stats that indicated it was a close game doesn’t seem like a ‘demolishing,’ but let me tell you those Roughnecks made sure they demolished the Renegades in their head! Yes, a complete psychological ass-kicking especially to…

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Autumn for Basic Bitches

Autumn in Chicago can be hard on a Basic Bitch. Society tries to convince us that we’re the only ones who love cozying up with a pumpkin spice latté and our favorite Charlotte Brontë novel. So I’ve decided to make a list of the top 6 things us Basic Bitches are looking forward to this season in the hopes that we can all unabashedly enjoy them together. 

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