Welcome everybody to my constantly updating live blog where I’ll be giving my thoughts about picks throughout tonight’s first round of the NFL draft. All of the lovey eyes being made between prospects and teams. All of the subterfuge and personality testing. Everything is done. Tonight is where the rubber hits the road. Tonight is about changing teams through the draft and…..BAH GAWD THAT’S AARON RODGER’S MUSIC!
6:00 PM: You know it’s draft season because Aaron Rodgers is disgruntled. Last year, he waited until after the draft to be discontented by the Green Bay Packers. This year, he has chosen draft day to tell people he doesn’t want to play in Wisconsin in the upcoming season. As football fans, this is the equivalent of Hangover Three. Everyone knows it’s pointless, but people try to get their hopes up anyway, only to end up flaccidly disappointed.
6:05 PM: In other news that somehow both sounds like a mad lib but also completely makes sense because it’s 2021, Tim Tebow worked out for the Jacksonville Jaguars today as a tight end. The former proto-Taysom Hill was most recently being aggressively mediocre in the New York Mets farm system.
It makes a weird amount of sense because new Jags coach Urban Meyer was Tebow’s coach at the University of Florida. This also means that Meyer has most likely paid for the services of a voodoo witch doctor to bring Aaron Hernandez back from the dead, had that fail when zombie Hernandez killed the witch doctor, and had to turn to plan B. This will be very thrilling for Trevor Lawrence as a rookie to throw to a guy who once quarterbacked forever ago.
6:10 PM: Watching the ESPN broadcast, and Booger McFarland looks like a turtle. Either he has to quit going bald or ESPN needs to let him go top button undone. He is discussing Justin Fields falling in the draft, and Booger is right. Justin Fields definitely seems to be falling on some boards and i’m going to burn down an orphanage when he ends up on the Patriots.
6:15 PM: I’ve been watching Rutherford Falls on Peacock Plus because Michael Schur is a national treasure. I’m probably going to write more about the series next week because the show is great. That said, it stars Ed Helms, who plays a marginally more folksy version of Andy Bernard from The Office. Almost to the point where it makes me want to throw my remote through the television. We all agree Andy was the worst character on the show, correct? Well this show is full of mid season eight right until the end of the series Andy. No show that makes me laugh this hard also makes me this viscerally angry.
6:20 PM: Roger Goodell is being asked questions. He is giving no answers of any remote substance. Nature is healing.
6:45 PM: The NFL Draft got Kings of Leon! Wait, Kings of Leon suck! ESPN keeps throwing to Adam Schefter to ejaculate the exact same Aaron Rodgers news that he has been saying for six hours. Chris Mortensen just brought some real news! He says that the Packers are coming to terms with the fact that they might have to trade Aaron Rodgers, and that the Broncos are a team that makes sense because of their cap situation. God help me.
6:50 PM: It’s being reported that the Falcons are looking at non quarterbacks at the fourth pick. Yea, when you have Matt Ryan as your starting quarterback, there is really no need to upgrade.
7:00 PM: Someone tell Kings of Leon to wrap it up, there is more interesting things to watch than their anti-vaxxing asses play music that hasn’t been popular in a decade.
7:02 PM: There hasn’t been this much rock music on ESPN since Chris Berman was still considered a respected broadcaster. The draft is being held in Cleveland. They are leaning into the fact that the city they are in also houses the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And in the most Cleveland thing ever, it’s cold and rainy. There are still fans there because fans are dumb. I’m also dumb. I once watched a Bears/Browns games when both teams were garbage, and it was -4 degrees at game time.
7:10 PM: I’m switching over to NFL Network in the hopes of less Kings of Leon. OH GOD IT’S EVEN MORE KINGS OF LEON. WHAT FAIR AND LOVING GOD WOULD DO THIS??? The only satisfaction I get is imagining that the NFL Network and ESPN camera men are kicking eachother in the hopes of getting the best shot of this formerly popular band.
7:12 PM: You know for a damn fact that Roger Goodell missed being booed. He lives for this shit. He is currently wearing a cod piece to hide his rock hard erection he gets from this hatred.
7:14 PM: Cleveland fans love Bernie Kosar. He is an avatar to their mediocrity.
7:15 PM: Okay, the NFL is apparently hellbent on turning the first round of the draft back into a six hour clusterfuck. They are randomly bringing fans on stage, Joe Thomas is quarter assing it, studio commentators have already run out of things to talk about.
7:17 PM: OH YEA, NFL Network, gimme that sweet sweet U2 mid 80’s hit. There has apparently been no good rock music made in 30 years, babaaaayyyy!!!
7:22 PM: The fact that it’s 7:22 and they haven’t drafted anyone yet is heresy. The first two picks in the draft have been settled for months. But no, we need Kings of Leon playing forever and fans in massive chairs and U2 montages, all because the NFL doesn’t give a shit about us who live in fly over states. The draft exists for New York alcoholics and west coast flapping anuses with podcasts.
7:25 PM: The first pick is always anti-climactic. This year is no different. Trevor Lawrence gets the distinct honor of getting his brains beat in on a sun bleached field in front of people who think drinking bleach is a right of passage. Congrats Trevor, you got drafted by a massive former Bennigans for a city.
7:32 PM: The Jets take Zach Wilson. It doesn’t matter if he is good or not. He is going to the Jets so he will immediately turn into a dollar store vibrator. Who cares anyway? Now that the Jets have picked, the draft can officially start. Come on 49ers, find a way to screw this up!!
7:36: Zach Wilson’s entire family looks like it was birthed from a dopey tub of mayonnaise.
7:40: Ian Rappoport just said that Trey Lance is firmly in the picture. That means the 49ers are taking him. A few years ago, the NFL forced the rumor whores that populate NFL news sites to not say who teams were picking. So they started using coded words, like how republicans have to find different terms to explain why they hate minorities.
7:42 PM: And there it is. Trey Lance gets drafted third. He has played 17 games total. One this past season. At North Dakota State. He’s the third pick. His upside is….Carson Wentz? I don’t even know. His bow tie game is on point though, and I love nothing more than getting to do some fashion red carpeting.
7:45 PM: You know what is more interesting than listening to people talk about guys who were just drafted? Watching a vintage Hasbro WWF Wrestling figure auction on FB. It’s actually pretty thrilling and makes me wish I didn’t sell all those Dogecoins last year.
7:48 PM: Fuck yea, Atlanta. They have places to be tonight. They took as little time as they could until Trey Lance got off stage before getting their pick in. If they go with Kyle Pitts, this will be the least interesting start to a draft in forever.
7:49 PM: Kyle Pitts. Tight end. Monster. More bow tie game on 11. Is he wearing leather elbow patches and leather piping down his pants, because it sure as hell looks like it! Kyle Pitts is awesome, and it’s a damn shame Matt Ryan is goign to throw to him all of three times a game, two of which will be directly at his feet because that’s what Ryan does the moment a defensive player gets across the line of scrimmage.
7:53 PM: Adam Schefter is reporting that the 49ers front office didn’t bother telling the coaching staff who they were planning to pick. There is absolutely no way this is going to backfire on them, right?
7:55 PM: We could see who the Bengals are picking and keep this thing moving, but god forbid either of these networks lose out on any of their revenue from selling hair replacement treatment, boner pills, and travelogue commercials for the city of Cleveland. The mistake by the milake.
7:57 PM: The Bengals Ja’marr Chase from LSU. Thank god they didn’t work on that offensive line. That would have been disastrous, to reinforce the line that got rookie QB Joe Burrow’s knee exploded last season. There definitely weren’t two top end tackles that could have anchored your line for a decade. It’s way better that they got another receiver to not throw at because Burrow is gonna be on his back, and quite possibly dead.
8:02 PM: The Dolphins are gonna draft an Alabama wide receiver and analysts are gonna waggle their collective genitalia over the fact that Tua once threw to them.
8:04 PM: Saw that coming. Jaylen Waddle is drafted and doesn’t seem to realize it. Most people celebrate with people in their…cubicle?…with friends and family. Waddle sat there for a minute, didn’t acknowledge anyone, and left. He dapped some other guys waiting to be drafted, including massive fucking goober Mac Jones, who hugged Waddle, then sprinted off screen like he had just pooped his pants.
8:08 PM: The Lions already have their pick in. They have to be absolutely thrilled that Penei Sewell, a great offensive tackle, fell to them at eight. He is going to be an absolute unit anchoring that line.
8:09 PM: The Lions haven’t even picked yet and the NFL Network crew is already talking about what the Panthers are going to do at eight, and then wondering what Mac Jones is doing on his phone. I’d say he is checking out Only Fans, but Mac Jones looks like he gets off on photos of glasses of whole milk.
8:11 PM: The hilarious lack of respect that the Lions get, Goodell was already announcing the pick before NFL Network even bothered switching over to him. Either way, they make the right move, which is unsettling to say. It’s really frustrating to not have the Raiders drafting in the top 10 every year. They were always good for doing something the rest of the football universe could make fun of.
8:13 PM: I just realized that ESPN and NFL Network don’t coordinate their timeouts, which is some next level horseshit. They can simulcast bands that haven’t been popular since Amy Winehouse died but can’t get it right with commercials so the draft can go quicker.
8:16 PM: After doing a soft dry hump of a tease that they might go quarterback, the Panthers take the first defensive player of the draft, Jaycee Horn, seen earlier getting ragdolled by number four pick Kyle Pitts. He is considered one of the safest picks in the draft. He’s…fine. He’s okay. I think he is the third best cornerback in the draft. But whatever. I’m just a rube on a laptop.
8:20 PM: I’m officially in auto update Twitter mode. Two QB’s have made it to 9, the Broncos could trade, the Cowboys aren’t picking a QB, and god only knows what the others two septic tanks of the NFC East, the Eagles and Giants, will do. This feels like Bears losing their minds and trading everything they would have traded for Russell Wilson to get Mac Jones mode. I’m trembling in fear.
8:23 PM: Broncos gotta be trying to swing a trade…
8:25 PM: The Broncos don’t trade and take…Patrick Surtain, the best cornerback in the draft. He is showing real emotion which is cool, but OH MY GOD TWO QUARTERBACKS ARE GONNA GET PAST 10! HELL IS FIXING TO BREAK LOOSE!
8:28 PM: Surtain is really good, and is rocking a solid suit color/cut combo. I’m kind of disappointed by how well these guys dress nowadays. I miss the halcyon days of the late 90’s, early 2000’s. You could literally hide three people in the suits. Joakim Noah looked like a character from Fat Albert. Those were the days…
8:30 PM: The Cowboys have traded! With the Eagles? Ohhhhh it would make sense, but it also wouldn’t. DeVonta Smith is still out there. He is my favorite wide receiver in the draft. But the Eagles are historically noted for drafting terrible, just absolutely terrible wide receivers. Jalen Reagor! JJ Arcega Whiteside! The Eagles don’t deserve a good receiver!
8:34 PM: Ian Rappaport is reporting from across the street. Good. He doesn’t deserve to be in the arena. He sucks. I’m pretty sure if he ever runs into Hub Arkush, Hub will just fucking fight him.
8:36 PM: DeVonta Smith goes to the Eagles. That sucks. I’m miserable. The Eagles are to wide receivers as the Jets are to quarterbacks. Just an infinite black hole where talent cannot possibly escape.
8:37 PM: Yesss! Yesss! Show me all of the clips of Smith burning Notre Dame! ALL OF THEM!
8:39 PM: It’s happening! Oh god it’s happening! The Bears just traded up to 11! Here we go!
8:40 PM: Don’t draft Mac Jones. Don’t draft Mac Jones. Don’t draft Mac Jones…
8:43 PM: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:47 PM: I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
8:48 PM: The Bears drafted Justin Fields, who I think is the second best quarterback in the draft. I don’t give a shit about next year’s draft pick. They didn’t have to get ride of their second or third round picks this year. Oh my god. This is awesome!
8:51 PM: The Bears Glennon’d Andy Dalton. I’m here for it!
8:52 PM: The Cowboys drafted someone, but my wife just informed me that Mac Jones’ middle name is McKorkle. He will never ever succeed in the NFL.
9:01 PM: The Chargers end up with Rashawn Slater, who looks like Patrick Mahomes if Mahomes was a giant ghoul. He is a damn fine player, though. The Chargers desperately need to keep Justin Herbert upright this year, and this guy is gonna go a long way towards doing that. This is the guy that the Bengals should have drafted if they didn’t have their heads wedged so firmly up their own asses.
9:11 PM: Ian Rappaport is reporting that Mac Jones could go to the Patriots. He then said that, at his worst, he would be Andy Dalton. Apparently Ian reads me, because I said that was his comp in my post yesterday. Not to brag, but it’s the thing on our website from yesterday that isn’t about Paddington 2 becoming the greatest movie in cinematic history.
9:14: It appears that Don Vito from Viva La Bam will be announcing the Patriots pick. And sure enough, the Patriots take Mac McKorkle Jones. People are going to say that Belichek is a genius for waiting back and getting a QB, anyway. I can assure you this yokel is going to put up Dave Krieg’s career.
9:15 PM: McKorkle.
9:23 PM: The Cardinals drafted a guy who can play a couple different positions on defense, but isn’t really locked into one spot. No, I did not copy/paste this from my live blog last year.
9:28 PM: The Raiders just Raiders’d!!!! They picked a guy that most people had as a late second round pick, and the fucking player wasn’t even dressed like he was going to be picked! This is glorious. I needed this. Thank you Jon Gruden. You wonderful bastard.
Ok guys, nothing is going to top the Raiders botching their pick, and my laptop is dying, so i’ll call it a night. I’ll update in the morning with anything interesting that happened. Until then, GO BEARS!