Buh-Bye XFL – A chat

Ciao. Ta ta. Sayonara. Is it sad? Can’t say I was totally invested in it, but there were some things that certainly spent time idling about hoping against all hope the XFL would return and flourish. As such, while I broke open the grill for another fabulous outdoor season of sizzling meat by tending to a rack of baby backs, I decided to conduct an interview with one who had been in the trenches since not only this re-issue of the XFL, but has been there since the first XFL experiment.

Welcome.

Welcome, pal? I live here.

Life is kind of not exactly true. You’re a football. Black and Red which is weird.

It differentiated me from the standard brown.

True. But still…

You’ve kept me around, pal.

I have because for a football you’re pretty astute when it comes to sports. Remember our conversation about the DH?

Oh yeah it’s so stupid to have pitchers hit anymore. That rare time they contact anything it’s a thrill but…

It’s as rare as a thriving XFL.

Hey come on. That hurt. I mean, I’m just devastated.

And deflated.

Ha ha funny. That has more to do with age and gravity. But hey pal, if you want to talk about sagging balls…

No, no football. Let’s move along.

Much better. I mean here’s the thing. You can’t just assume if one thing is working well then you can take that one thing, and all of your money you made on it…

Vince McMahon made a ton on the WWE.

Yeah, but you can’t put all your eggs in one basket…

Unless it’s Easter, then you kind of want to.

You’re not helping, pal.

As if you’re helping with these ribs, football.

I have no hands.

Good point.

But you need to move that rack off the flames.

Too soon. Kind of like… I dunno… talking about the demise of the XFL?

Shut up. I’m sad, but I can talk.

Go on, football. Stretch those seams of yours.

Thanks. I will, pal. So McMahon was hedging the stock market would keep going up, you know the WWE stock in particular.

The stock price right now is a bargain.

It’s at 37. It’s 52-week high? 100.

Now that’s deflating.

LOLZ to you, pal. Vinny was betting fans would drop dime on not only the WWE but the XFL as well, therefore keeping his personal ATM pushing out paper so he’d have cash for the XFL, part 2.

Yeah but he couldn’t predict a virus would…

Virus schmirus. I know I know. Not making light of the virus, it’s unbelievably devastating, and no one could prepare for it except the Federal Government who fucking tripped over their own shoelaces and epically fumbled, but still McMahon’s XFL gamble was…

Quite a stretch kind of like pulling hide over…

Right, Pal? Most entrepreneurs take someone else’s money, like don banks out of their money and bet with it instead. Certain people have even created casinos yet bankrupted those, which is really a mark of a bad businessman. But again, that money…

Sorry to interrupt, football? But I think you meant ‘con.’ You said ‘don.’

Oh I know exactly what I said.

Oh so you’re taking a shot at a certain person who… okay. Go on.

Yeah, so like you said Pal, if I may repeat, quite a stretch like pulling hide of a cow over rubber to you know, create me.

Well, yes. But you’re pigskin.

Wait, what?!

Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘toss around the pigskin?’

I have but I didn’t think it meant me. I thought that was a baseball.

Horsehide. Baseballs are made from…

Man, the things I have to learn. Can you give me a moment?

Sure, you relax for a second, football. I’ll just talk while I’m seasoning this rack. So Vince McMahon. In my opinion, the guy had balls to create his own league in which he owned every single team down to the stitches on each jersey. My feeling is he tried to get investors, but it was such a tall order to think the XFL would be successful against the NFL juggernaut, therefore he had to drop his own dough to get it going and no one really tried to talk him out of it. Know what I’m saying?

I’m still stunned, pal. Footballs are made from pigskin? Really? Pigs are so intelligent.

Yeah, but they have two strikes against them – they’re slow and delicious. Hence the ribs.

Dang, harsh.

You should be happy we as humans use the whole pig. For instance, gelatin.

Gelatin? You mean like Jell-O?

Yep. And Jell-O pudding. Gelatin is made from bones, cartilage, skin all boiled down… mostly pigs.

I think I’m going to be sick.

You’re a football, you don’t eat.

True, pal.

If you did you’d be salivating purely over the smell of these sizzling ribs.

I can’t smell either.

Well you do… but you don’t.

Ha ha.

You don’t smell so bad, because technically…?

What now?

You would be pigskin, if you were a real football.

But I’m…

A souvenir football… and synthetic leather, like the XFL was a synthetic league.

I quit!

Kind of like the XFL?

Very funny.

And don’t quit… you have nothing to quit from. Vince McMahon did that for you. Let’s rehash football, what have we learned?

You don’t know how to cook ribs on the grill?

Uh… wrong. And you wouldn’t know anyway.

They’re on fire.

That’s called caramelizing.

OK, pal. I’m not banking on those being any good for anyone just like businessmen can’t bank on something being successful based upon something else continuing to be super-successful.

Oooh, a shot at Vinny, yet true, football. Anything else?

You know I watched those games.

And…?

Well, some of those players might be able to move on to the NFL, pal.

Like?

Roughnecks QB P.J. Walker. He…

Tossed the old pigskin?

Hah ha. Yes. And others. like that Nick Jolley guy?

Team?

The Houston Roughnecks, again. League champions.

They didn’t have any playoffs.

Roughnecks went undefeated. They earned the trophy.

Alright, fine. So Jolley?

Shouldn’t be playing. Dude broke his back playing football but joined the XFL for a return to the game.

And…?

I admire him for the return. Got some receiving yards, but he didn’t set the football world aflame so to speak… like your baby backs.

Shit. Keep talking while I get move them off the hot spot of the grill.

What’s hot were the Roughnecks, pal. Since they went undefeated? It’s possible their coach and GM June Jones can actually be a viable candidate for a spot in the NFL. The dude took a bunch of Bad News Bears – and let’s face it, every team was full of Bad News Bears – and gelled them into a team, as opposed to Marc Trestman.

Trestman, Trestman… where have I heard that name…?

Used to coach the Bears.

Bad News Bears?

Chicago Bears you idiot.

I know, just pulling your stitches, football. So Trestman…?

Still can’t coach, pal. He was put in charge of the Tampa Bay Vipers. Won a single game, and in a league where scoring a lot of points via the pass was the goal? Two of the top three running backs were Vipers.

So that’s good, football.

No that’s not good, pal. Passing league. Plus, they played five games and had 11 turnovers.

Ow, damn. Say wasn’t Trestman an offensive coordinator?

I think ‘was’ is the key word in that sentence.

Well my ribs are done, football.

I’d say offensively overdone, pal. They’re baby black ribs.

Oh, now who’s being funny.

I have my moments, pal.

And like the XFL, they’re brief. I’m going to enjoy my ribs now. Talk to you later football when the NFL season is upon us… whenever that happens.

Fucking virus.

Fucking unprepared Federal Government.

Exactly.

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