Oh, The Self-Centered

February 1, 2011. This was the first day I knew just how amazingly uninspiring the self-centered of the world can be.

I was at O’Hare, ready for my flight to Austin, Texas. A snowstorm was coming, we all knew it was coming. My flight was scheduled for 10AM. I’ll be fine.

Mechanical problems. OK. Flight scheduled for noon. Snowstorm’s tracking to get here by then, but we’re fine.

Mechanical problems part II. Re-scheduled for 2PM. Let the Shittery begin!

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Support Your Local Podcasters!

Support Your Local Podcasters!

With some states continuing their COVID-19 containment protocols into this month (as Illinois is), people are having more and more free time. Puzzles are getting completed at an alarming rate. Books which were meant to be read are being picked up… to return to the shelf because it’s in the way of the television remote. Series are being streamed.

And yes, it appears to be the perfect time to check out some new podcasts, baby!

Here are some of my favorite podcasts that you might want to check out. To make it even more appealing, these are podcasts created by some of my favorite comedians and content creators in the Chicago (and suburban) comedy scene. Let’s get podcasting!


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How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?

How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?

You guys, I swear… I was trying to be nice.

I went into this weekend with a heart full of love and acceptance and a mind prepared to discuss differing opinions and determined to see the other side of the situation. I was going to be a different person; a unifier, a leader in difficult times.

That lasted most of a morning.

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How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.

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Essential.

Essential.

This past week, morons and douchebags all over our great nation went to “peacefully” “protest” the state capitals of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, and Florida. I put the word “peacefully” in quotes because while there were no reports of arrests or violence, some of these people made a point of open carrying weapons and there were reports of confederate flags and signs with swastikas, which are, as we all know, the two symbols of peace. I put the words “protest” in quotes because some, if not most (hell, if not ALL) of these whiny turd-babies are just mad because they’re being asked to stay inside and practice social distancing and it makes them mad.

The claim of many of these slack-jawed yokels is that it’s time for the nation to get back to work and get outside. Well, as someone who has been working this whole time, let me tell you: it’s a fucking nightmare. You don’t want any of this right now.

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Roughneck Report, Take 5

With all the hubbub, hullabaloo or both if you prefer (after all it is your life), I completely neglected to scribble out something for the Roughneck Report, Take 5.

I mean what was I thinking about? What else could possibly be going on to thwart me from my duties as the Roughnecks numero uno fan of the fan base probably only known by me as the Rowdies?

I could have been thinking that maybe… possibly… along the lines of our esteemed federal government this whole ‘virus thing’ would blow over, cross our collective paths like an errant tumbleweed across the great American desert.

Well my friends, that was not it. Those of us who are relatively sane knew how the Administration of the Bloated Circus Peanut would stumble around like a bantamweight after a Henry Cejudo haymaker and for certain fuck this whole mess up.

Oh well, back to the report. Okay. The Roughnecks have finished the aborted season undefeated and for certain are the de facto champions for the 2020 XFL season which may possibly be the only XFL season.

Hand them the fucking trophy Vince McMahon, which I think is just his head in a fabulous bronze patina.

Congrats Roughnecks. Now you can afford to go out and find a logo that doesn’t rip-off the old Houston Oilers.

No ending cheer. Season’s over.

PS Seriously be safe out there and do not trust in the Federal Government to give two shits about you and your family, not with the bleating yam in charge.

PPS Weezer really got me pumped to whip this little old report right quickly. Thanks!

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The Next Person Who Compares this to The Flu is the Next Person I Stab in the Fucking Neck

The Next Person Who Compares this to The Flu is the Next Person I Stab in the Fucking Neck

Title courtesy of Matt Drufke. And you know what? Matt can use the word ‘fucking’ because frankly you’d have to be a complete moron to think this is ‘just like the flu.’ Yes, it is not recommended one uses the words ‘moron’ or ‘fucking’ if you want to engage your reader at the beginning of your article, but for fuck’s sake this whole ‘it’s just the flu’ is sheer idiocy. Why be nice about it?

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