The reality is that while the vaccination rollout in the country has been pretty amazing, it’s starting to hit a speed bump I don’t think a lot of people expected: too many people are choosing to not participate, leading our nation to worry we may not hit the herd immunity number. For reasonable Americans, this causes a great deal of confusion, anxiety and trepidation. That being said, I imagine Tucker Carlson and Jenny McCarthy meet to talk about this and excitedly bone every night. Shame on you, Jenny… you’re married.
This was talked about Sunday on Last Week Tonight and host John Oliver attempted to reassure people of the safety of the vaccine by confronting a lot of the nonsensical rumors going around. And while I respect Oliver and his show a great deal, he’s coming at this completely wrong. Sadly, we live in a world where proper research and fact-checking just isn’t enough because there are just so many bullshit sources that look official enough to make people feel comfortable calling them a trusted source. Case in point: a few days ago, I reposted the article where I mock libertarians in a Facebook group and the libertarians in there immediately went bananas, specifically where I pointed out that racist Ron Paul and his dumb racist ass is, in fact, totes racist. When asked to prove it, I posted a few articles, and someone attempted to counter with a YouTube clip which took two quotes out of context and then was followed by the internet equivalent of someone saying, “See? See?” There will always be people who will try and fight the facts, regardless of how obvious they are.
So, we need another method.
Look, there’s a lot of hot nonsense that people are putting out there about the vaccines. And I could spend this article trying to prove them all wrong and make a impassioned plea for people to do smart research with good sourcing, but that effort feels, sadly, futile. So, let’s try another tactic. Let’s lean into the lies.
I’m going to go ahead and just concede to the unwashed, unthinking, nonsense-spouting dipshits. I will say that the three worst things they’re saying about the vaccines are true. Because, when you look at them from another angle, they all seem like pretty dope reasons to actually get vaccinated.
So, with that being said, let’s dive in and explore some of these reasons.
Reason 1: The vaccine will put a Bill Gates-created microchip in me
Really? Fuck, that sounds awesome.
Let’s start with the obvious benefit that if all of us are being tracked all the time, kidnapping cases will go to almost zero, basically overnight. Hey, all you Q Anon dipshits who were talking about the evil pedophile cabal led by the Democrats: How do you not want every child to be easily tracked so that the moment they’re taken, they could be easily LoJacked and returned to their loving parents? You morons talk a big game, but when the rubber meets the road, you’re just all talk.
I imagine there are also people who fear that with all of us chipped, we’re going to be a constantly-monitored police state. This would be a fair point, except we’re already constantly monitored because we all have fucking cell phones. Also, if anyone is making this argument but also made the, “Hey, if these people just followed the law, the police would have no reason to shoot them!” argument, and I’m betting that MORE THAN A FEW OF THEM ARE, just go ahead and walk into a lake. Seriously, what are you hiding from the police and why don’t you want our beloved microchip to let them know? Also, if you really cared about voter fraud, you wouldn’t be pushing for bullshit picture ID laws. You. Want. Microchips.
Many people have joked that being microchipped would probably make them transmit a wifi signal or turn them into Robocop. And those things are probably true, but I want to leave the fantastical elements out of this (I’ll get my chance for that later). Let’s just be practical. I’ve spent way too much time looking for my keys and wallet. If my car started because my keyless remote was in my arm, that would be dope. Also, there are probably health implications. What’s that? Your grandma was alone and had a stroke but her microchip was able to register it and call 911 and notify them of her location? Thanks, microchip! The people are real pieces of shit.
Get the chip. Save your nana.
Reason 2: The mRNA in the vaccine will change my DNA
Fucking for real? That sounds AWESOME!
Now we get to be fantastical, because changing your DNA sounds awesome. First, however, let’s look at the boring benefits of that: we could use that to eliminate a lot of bad shit that’s in people, especially any sort of predisposed carriers for illness and disease. That’s a game changer.
But, let’s get fantastical, because I WANT WINGS.
Change my DNA all you fucking want. I have never learned to swim, but give me some goddamned gills and I will run to an ocean right now. Extra limbs. A tail. The ability to glow in the dark. I want it all. I get that the point of the X-Men comic books are that being different is so hard because most Americans fear things that aren’t exactly like them and will constantly respond in a horrible way. However, I’ll take Wolverine bone claws in a fucking minute.
Reason 3: Healthy people all over are taking the vaccine and dying
Well, at least you don’t have to listen to Tucker Carlson anymore.
Look, I’m not saying that I don’t understand people’s hesitation to get vaccinated. I was anxious when I got my shots. But there are rational reasons and outright lies, and too many shitty people are using the latter to try and scare people.
Do the research. Make a smart choice. Stay safe. Remember, we all want to see the new Fast & Furious movie in the theater. John Cena will be in it. Let’s keep working to make that happen.