Conservatives: Dying To Own The Libs?

I read something interesting on Breitbart the other day. I can honestly say that’s the first time I ever wrote that.

Breitbart, for those of you who do not know, is the conservative website founded by Andrew Breitbart and had been led by Trump sychophant Steve Bannon. If there’s a conservative slant to put on an article, Breitbart is going to do it and they’re going to do it hard. They’re often ignored or not taken seriously by most of America because… well, they’re not worth paying attention to. For example, I just logged onto the site today (9:30 am CST on 9/21/21) and the top headline was, “China Joe Goes Full China Joe at U.N. Speech”.

So, yeah… that’s who they are. Knowing this, it would have to be something so wildly fascinating or incredibly stupid that would make me want to visit that site, let alone cover something they wrote. And I think you know which one I’m about to talk about.


Before I continue, I want to make a quick aside to talk about the only other time I have written about Breitbart.

Back in 2010, I was helping blog for a site and Breitbart released an editorial from conservative comedian blowhard Tim Slagle, in which he believed the film Secretariat should have been nominated for Oscars and the only reason it wasn’t was because it promoted positive and healthy values. Now, that film is ok, but not great and certainly not Oscar-worthy, though I think it was better than Green Book, the film which fucking won Best Picture two years ago.

I only remember this because when writing about Slagle’s idiot column, I did research to see if any website on the entire internet agreed with him. To Slagle’s credit, I found one: the now defunct Thoroughbred Times. In my article, I do remember calling out the site but also suggesting that Thoroughbred Times may have a “pro-horse bias”. I remember writing that and thinking, “Good joke, Matt,” as I chuckled behind my keyboard.

Man, Breitbart suuuuuucks.


Ok, back to the real story:

The piece that caught my eye was written by Editor-at-Large and columnist John Nolte. Looking at the articles he’s written for Breitbart, Nolte seems to cover a lot of ground, though he especially seems to enjoy going after the entertainment industry, which Breitbart refers to as “Big Hollywood”.

Nolte was covering comments Howard Stern had made on his Sirius show on Tuesday, September 7th. Stern was talking about radio show hosts who were aggressively anti-COVID who then became infected with COVID and are now aggressively anti-alive. Stern did not pull his punches:

It’s really funny when these radio, the radio guys are the best, they’re like four of them died, four of them were like ranting on the air. They will not get vaccinated. They were they were on fire, these guys, it was like day after day, they were all dying and then their dying words are ‘I wish I had been more into the vaccine. I wish I had taken it.’

Howard Stern

John Nolte’s response was a blistering piece entitled. “Howard Stern Proves Democrats Want Unvaccinated Trump Voters Dead”, and that headline already has a lot of meat on the bone, but I’m not going to get into it because it all pales in comparison to his greater point. I will, breifly, point out that Nolte refers to Stern as a “leftist”, which is something I find odd when certain conservatives talk about people like Stern or Bill Maher or Joy Behar and then try and imply that their voices are directly speaking for all liberals and Democrats. I’ve always thought that kind of logic crazy because I would never call, for example, Dennis Miller the voice of the Republican party. He’s a comedian. And honestly, I would not have even guessed that Stern or Maher were Democrats. I assumed they were both Libertarians, mostly because I find the two of them to be really fucking annoying.

Getting back to the point, Nolte makes a bold suggestion in his article (which I am not going to link to because Breitbart is fucking gross): that liberals are using reverse psychology specifically so that unvaccinated Republicans will dig their heels in deeper, refuse to get the vaccine, and then die of COVID.

I know you’re thinking, “No reasonable human would think something like that,” and you would be correct. But John Nolte does not seem to be reasonable. From his column:

No one wants to cave to a piece of shit like that, or a scumbag like Fauci, or any of the scumbags at CNNLOL, so we don’t. And what’s the result? They’re all vaccinated, and we’re not! And when you look at the numbers, the only numbers that matter, which is who’s dying, it’s overwhelmingly the unvaccinated who are dying, and they have just manipulated millions of their political enemies into the unvaccinated camp.

John Nolte, crazy person

Jesus fucking Christ, this dude is insane.


There is part of me that wants to think of John Nolte as some sort of evil genius, creating a point so stupid and laughable that it is sure to get clicks for Breitbart and get them a few trips of the news cycle only to come back and say, “I was just joking! Fooled all you dorks!” But Nolte is not budging, and if you’re looking in the comment section of the article (and PLEASE don’t do that) all you’re seeing is a ton of people saying they won’t get vaccinated.

So, with that in mind, I thought I would offer a few more talking points Nolte could try out in future columns:

  • Liberals only talk about racial equality in order to trick conservatives, who will obviously say racist things things just because they don’t agree.
  • Liberals are saying the election was not rigged just so conservatives mention looking for bamboo in illegal Chinese ballots so they sound stupid (and also racist!)
  • How dare AOC talk about “Taxing the rich”? She knows it will only lead the GOP voting base, especially those in the poorest areas of the country, to defend how the richest among us aren’t contributing their fair share!

It’s all just so evil, you guys.

Oh, wait… I mean stupid.

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