There’s been, naturally and uber-naturally, a whole mouthful of talk about making sure you eat healthy during the pandemic – chow down on fresh fruits and veggies; make room for the legumes; make meat a treat.
It certainly makes some semblance of sense. Eating within some ballpark frank of health should be some sort of priority, for chances are most of you (not me of course) are spending some serious wads of time creating prodigious dents in your couch punching the clock watching HBO, Showtime, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Hulu, or Netflix.
By the way, anybody watch Ozark on Netflix? Holy crap what a delicious combination of the nasty smart and nasty dumb. Hillbillies and High-End crime are such a tasty combination!
OK, back to food. First, clasp hands and thank the Lord of Lard. Everything with taste has some sort of fat in it. Fight me all you want, but you know I am 135% correct.
Yeah, I’m putting nature’s bounty down my gullet, but c’mon, people. What do you want me to do? Try to turn my diet on a dime into chewing on Kale like a cow with its cud and letting absolutely no one know I’m the king of cuisine? Oh hell no. No one wants to see me post recipes of nasty-ass Kale dishes on social media.
Speaking of Kale, are you aware Kale was once just a decoration (see above pic), a hard wave of green they’d put in and around buffets to try to gussy them up? Yeah, that was Kale – and now people are eating it rather than the vat of delicious banana pudding that somehow snuck its way into the salad bar section. Which, has an aside, I would like to meet the Dr. Evil of the Buffet who decided puddings were best placed in the salad section. Marketing genius.
Continue reading “Eating Totally Healthy during the Pandemic is for Suckers”
A while ago, I went ahead and purchased a garage door opener. It found a good deal for a well-reviewed opener. According to the manual and everything I read, it should take about two hours to install this bad boy. Two weeks after opening the box, I was still working on it. And, in doing so, this task led me to face all of my old anxieties and fears and forced me to look in the mirror and question my masculinity.
This is one of those rabbit holes that is impossible for me to stop falling down once even a miniscule amount of momentum has begun. I hate that I let this happen and I hate what it says about me.
More importantly, however, I fucking hate this goddamned garage door opener.
Continue reading “Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…”
There is no good reason to vote for Biden. I’ve read the arguments, and I’ve been trying to find one that exists within a moral framework, but it doesn’t exist. Biden is a shitbag ’90s Republican and Republicans are, at best, amoral.
There is a reason to vote for Biden; he is not Trump. The end. “Biden is not Trump” is not a good reason to vote for someone, it is just a reason. Stop trying to convince me there is anything behind a vote for Biden aside from that. He has no policy positions that I can support, because he has no policies at all. Feel free to argue that he does — he has a website with some on it — but for fuck’s sake, he has a history, we know what that is, and it’s shit. Should he become President, he will continue to be shit. He’s as corrupt as everyone else, he’s a patriarchal moron, and he will absolutely cave to the Republicans at every opportunity. If you can’t see that, you haven’t been paying attention.
Continue reading “Give Me Power”
With some states continuing their COVID-19 containment protocols into this month (as Illinois is), people are having more and more free time. Puzzles are getting completed at an alarming rate. Books which were meant to be read are being picked up… to return to the shelf because it’s in the way of the television remote. Series are being streamed.
And yes, it appears to be the perfect time to check out some new podcasts, baby!
Here are some of my favorite podcasts that you might want to check out. To make it even more appealing, these are podcasts created by some of my favorite comedians and content creators in the Chicago (and suburban) comedy scene. Let’s get podcasting!
Continue reading “Support Your Local Podcasters!”
After March Fatness, FBC co-founder Matt Drufke made one thing perfectly clear to every writer on this website: We must have more Little Caesars related on the website! Then he beat me with an extension cord for 40 minutes. I think it was something sexual. Who knows. But Matt’s unrequited love for Little Caesars has lead this website on a journey that comes to it’s natural apex with the newest item on the pizza chain’s menu: the Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!
Now I know what you are thinking, “Brandon, how could Little Caesars, noted innovators of the pizza genre, and industry standard, reinvent the game again? How could geniuses of the dough, proprietors of pepperoni, and masterminds of greatness raise their game to such a new level??”
WELL. THEY. DID.
Continue reading “Fast Food Review: Little Caesars Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!”
You guys, I swear… I was trying to be nice.
I went into this weekend with a heart full of love and acceptance and a mind prepared to discuss differing opinions and determined to see the other side of the situation. I was going to be a different person; a unifier, a leader in difficult times.
That lasted most of a morning.
Continue reading “How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?”
If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.
Continue reading “How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story”
Hey Everyone. While i’m wallowing in my own sense of defeat at the persistent end of days scenario that this stupid simulation of the world seems to be hucking us towards, I reached out for questions from my friends on Facebook so I can solve the internet for them! Take it away, my dear, dear friends!
Continue reading “Brandon Solves the Internet: 4/22 Edition”
Here at Fancy Boys Club, we love our writers, and we hope you do to. They work very hard to put out amazing and fun content for us and we think they’re really special.
But you should also be following them on twitter.
Here are some fun tweets from some of our writers over the last few days:
Continue reading “Some Tweets From Our Writers: April 16th edition”
What is power? What does it entail?
Is it money? Anyone can have money. Lottery winners aren’t powerful; they’re lucky.
Is it influence? Hardly. No one really knows what that is or how to get it.
To me, power is like pornography: you know it when you see it.
And no one had more power at any given time that Jay-Z did in 2006.
Continue reading “The Definition Of Power”