Old People Need to Chill: An Ongoing Series

Old People Need to Chill: An Ongoing Series

Everyone thinks they are going to age gracefully. Each of us believes that we will be the ones to stare down the cold hand of death and rebel against it by keeping up with the latest trends, listening to the newest music, and doing what them young folks be doin’. To say the least, this is an appalling afront to the sensibilities of everyone who grew up and opted to age gracefully. Today, I saw an old man in skinny jeans, boots, and a shirt that should be worn by someone four decades his junior. He was wearing Warby Parker glasses that would make Andy Warhol blush. He had a french bulldog following him as if it were father time, waiting for him to kick the bucket from drinking too much Red Bull.

It should go without saying that this man did not look cool. This man did not look hip. This man looked like he saw what hip was, thought to himself “Well, this will make me look like the coolest person at the Homeowners Association Meeting” and went for it. He thought he was going to stand at the mountaintop of fashion and look down on his suburban counterparts with a stylish contempt. Instead, he went off the cliff, full-on Thelma and Louise style. Just full yeet.

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Turn That Genetically-Modified Microchipped Frown Upside-Down: Confronting Fears About Vaccination

Turn That Genetically-Modified Microchipped Frown Upside-Down: Confronting Fears About Vaccination

The reality is that while the vaccination rollout in the country has been pretty amazing, it’s starting to hit a speed bump I don’t think a lot of people expected: too many people are choosing to not participate, leading our nation to worry we may not hit the herd immunity number. For reasonable Americans, this causes a great deal of confusion, anxiety and trepidation. That being said, I imagine Tucker Carlson and Jenny McCarthy meet to talk about this and excitedly bone every night. Shame on you, Jenny… you’re married.

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I Solve All Of Elmhurst, Illinois’ Problems (you’re welcome)

I Solve All Of Elmhurst, Illinois’ Problems (you’re welcome)

Located 22 miles west of Chicago, Elmhurst is a town with a little over 44,000 people in it. They’re a town probably a lot like yours, with business and commerce and art and parks and a post office. They also have a Facebook group which contains some very opinionated people. Like… REALLY opinionated.

It’s a little intense.

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What Parents, School Boards, and Teachers Can Learn from The Great British Bake Off

What Parents, School Boards, and Teachers Can Learn from The Great British Bake Off

Like an aimless teenager wandering the halls, I am often late, not to important things– like class– but to pop culture. For instance, I just started watching Brooklyn 99 and started a TikTok  this past spring. 

So, as you might expect, The Great British Baking Bake Off was one such pop culture phenomenon that alluded me, until now. I’ll be honest: I have no other way to tell you what Series I have seen without referencing Big Streaming Service’s “Collections”. I have completed the most updated episodes of the recent “Collection” and “Collections” 1 and 2, which I can only assume is not Season, I mean Series, 1 and 2 because the contestants seem to already understand the show’s format and its hosts and judges.

As a teacher, I found myself watching this show and being simultaneously entertained and recognizing that the show has value in what we can learn from it about teaching and learning.

So, if you are a teacher, a parent, or a school board member or know someone who is or was a teacher, parent, or school board member, on your marks, get set, READ!

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Brandon’s Guide to Adulting: Christmas (Covid Edition)

Brandon’s Guide to Adulting: Christmas (Covid Edition)

Being an adult sucks. No matter what think pieces written in large publications like The New York Times and Highlights Magazine tell you, there is no easy way to hit your post-fun-of-not-worrying-about-catching-an-STD days. Getting older involves a series of inevitable truths: 

1: You will get a gym membership you will never use, even though you tell yourself this is the month you turn it all around. 

2: You are going to develop opinions about certain craft beers you enjoy, no matter how many times you try to shake that feeling by drinking way too much Keystone Ice.

3: Stuff that you promised yourself you would never stress will come down on you like an avalanche. Examples include bills, affording diapers, and tapas.

4: You will lose your friends(more on this in a minute).

5: You are going to start to enjoy music you promised yourself you hated during their youth. You know how your dad always plays Electric Light Orchestra in his car when you are driving around with him? When he was young, he swore up and down that he would never like that shit, and that Black Sabbath was god. Keep that in mind when you are making fun of Bruno Mars, The Weeknd, and Pentatonix.

6: You know what? No. Fuck Pentatonix. They should be burned at the stake to redeem us from an angry god for all of our sins.

Continue reading “Brandon’s Guide to Adulting: Christmas (Covid Edition)”

So, You Got Covid. Now What?

So, You Got Covid. Now What?

Welcome to the club! There are over 11 million of us now! I’m sure there is a lot going through your mind. Did you get this from a co worker? Did you get this from having some rough sex? Did you hit the jackpot and get this from having rough sex with a co worker? However it happened, you have a ton going through your mind right now. If you are anything like me, these are your thoughts

Am I going to die?
Who did I get it from?
Who could I have given it to?
If I have to miss work, i’m never going to financially recover from this, Joe Exotic style.

Good news, my scared/curious friends, as someone who got Covid (and still had it after the election when idiots would have had you belief it was going to end), I’m here to guide you through everything you are about to experience. Let’s break down what you are about to go through over the next couple weeks.


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Thanksgiving Isn’t Really That Great: Reasons To Stay Home This Year

Next week, millions of Americans will make the choice to not have large family gatherings for Thanksgiving. Granted, millions will also decide to go ahead and pretend like nothing is different, which is why we will be in a lockdown until Joe Biden’s second term as president.

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Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.

Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.

It seems like the 2020 election would be the perfect time to shake things up.

For the GOP, there are a vocal and noticeable group of voters looking to separate themselves from President Trump and his policies and rhetoric and stupid face. For the DNC, there is an overwhelming wave of apathy for the Biden/Harris ticket on social media which leaves one to believe that this will be the 800th election in a row where the youth vote chooses to “sit it out”.

This is the perfect time to look third party; someone who can come and unite the disenfranchised and bring people together. Someone who can say, “The two party system has not had your best interest at heart for decades, possibly centuries!” Someone who can bring real change to a nation in dire need of exactly that. And there’s no better party to do so than the Libertarian Party, a political organization which seems to be the right group and the right time.

However, the Libertarian Party has given us Jo Fucking Jorgensen, which means it’s gonna be another election where almost no one is happy.

Don’t worry, though. I can fix everything.

Continue reading “Give Me A Libertarian… Wait, No. Give Me Death.”

Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition

Before we get going again, I just want to say congratulations to Fancy Boys Co-Founder Matt and his wife Erin on the birth of their son Henry. He is doing well and is already so turned off by his father’s obsession with Taylor Swift’s new album that he decided it was time to get the hell out of the hospital so he can finally get some privacy. Same, Henry. Same.

Welcome back to Brandon Solves the Internet, an occasional article where Fancy Boy Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet to help people solve all of their problems. This week, Brandon is finding the best cooking questions from all over the internet, and he is going to use all of his expertise working as a chef in Paris for three years at Burger King when he was 17 to impart wisdom all over the interwebs.

Let’s Get Started!

How Can Restaurants Safely Reopen During The Pandemic?
-Food and Wine Magazine

I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. One answer: T Shirt Cannons. It’s not as crazy as it seems. Most NBA teams shove hot dogs into them and shoot them towards the slack jawed masses already. So what is stopping Applebees from stuffing mozzarella sticks and Riblet platters into them and launch them towards table seven?

Continue reading “Brandon Solves The Internet: 8/3 Edition”