Old People Need to Chill: An Ongoing Series

Everyone thinks they are going to age gracefully. Each of us believes that we will be the ones to stare down the cold hand of death and rebel against it by keeping up with the latest trends, listening to the newest music, and doing what them young folks be doin’. To say the least, this is an appalling afront to the sensibilities of everyone who grew up and opted to age gracefully. Today, I saw an old man in skinny jeans, boots, and a shirt that should be worn by someone four decades his junior. He was wearing Warby Parker glasses that would make Andy Warhol blush. He had a french bulldog following him as if it were father time, waiting for him to kick the bucket from drinking too much Red Bull.

It should go without saying that this man did not look cool. This man did not look hip. This man looked like he saw what hip was, thought to himself “Well, this will make me look like the coolest person at the Homeowners Association Meeting” and went for it. He thought he was going to stand at the mountaintop of fashion and look down on his suburban counterparts with a stylish contempt. Instead, he went off the cliff, full-on Thelma and Louise style. Just full yeet.

To his credit, he did go for it, and he could obviously afford to look like he was hanging onto his youth like a drunk Vanderbilt coed clings to a mechanical bull at the Angry Beaver. Instead, he used all of his money to look like a Dollar General Leslie Jordan.

There is something to be said about going for it. There is much more to be said about handling aging with a level of grace not seen since our grandfathers retired to their bermuda shorts, Florida condos, tobacco pipes, and casual racism. They fought in World War Two. They got a free pass. I tend to not correct people who went to Europe to kick Nazi ass. I can’t even be bothered to go into a Wal Mart to get windshield wiper fluid. I just go through the car wash everyday to clean my windows.

At some point, life passes you by. It will pass me by. It will pass you by. Just let it go. Life isn’t about going at the fastest pace because you feel like you have to. It sucks getting old. Your knees start to hurt for no reason. Your ankles start to sound like tumbling dice when you try to loosen them. A Sunday morning means going to get supplies for a gardening project, as opposed to nursing a hangover with reruns of The Office and pizza rolls.

That isn’t to say you should be wistful about the past, as if it existed exclusively in a rose colored vacuum. The past sucked. Everything evolves. This infinite part series that i’m going to undertake over the coming weeks and months isn’t to ignore history, but to point out that it was pretty shitty in a lot of ways you seem to enjoy. You can’t just shit on the things that younger generations enjoy because you don’t get it. Not getting it causes you to look like a skinny jeaned hobgoblin walking down the street with your designer dogs.

There are two extremes to this. Those that choose to belittle the present to save their own narrow opinion about the past. Then there are those mentioned above trying to keep themselves relevant, whether it be to friends, family, coworkers, or even their own self. There is an old saying. “At some point, even if you can run it down, you just can’t keep up.”

Just enjoy being old. You get all sorts of fun medications. There are all sorts of places you get discounts. There are entire communities built for you to that you can go to and golf, swim, and complain about not knowing what a Bad Bunny is. At some point, in fifty years, when i’m in an old folks home, and Matt Drufke is in my room, putting on ointment while he complains about Paddington 2 getting knocked from the list as Greatest Movie of All Time to a biopic about the life and times about Ashton Kutcher. I’ll just smile and eat my pizza rolls and listen to the Rolling Stones. It won’t be a classic rock thing, either. They will somehow still alive and be touring.

As for this ongoing series, i’m going to be taking on a scattershot of topics, whenever I find something to my fancy. What am I going to write about that old people need to chill out about?

Memes-You don’t understand them. Quit using them. Context is important.

Clint Eastwood-He’s 140 years old. Quit giving him movies to make.

Ozzy Osbourne-Let him die in peace.

Donald Trump-You guys fell for an adult diaper wearing con artist. That’s on you.

Religion-Organized religion is an outdated relic of the past. If you have to spend your Sunday giving money to an organized crime racket that covers up child rape and doesn’t pay taxes, that’s on you.

Avocado Toast-My wife likes it. Fuck off.

Lady Gaga-She doesn’t have a penis. Just because you and your generation aren’t comfortable with a woman being a gay icon, doesn’t mean she has to be a man.

LeBron James-He has more money than god and doesn’t care what you think of him. And why should he? He builds schools. You build poorly spelled racist rants on your Facebook feeds.

Professional Wrestling-Hulk Hogan was a terrible wrestler. The attitude era was full of terrible wrestling. Some of the most inventive gimmicks and wrestling is being done at this very moment. It’s on every day of the week and there is something for every taste. Quit crying.

Facebook-If you are over 40, get off it. Your opinion becomes less important every day over that point. And get the fuck off Tik Tok now, nobody cares about you trying to boot scootin’ boogie with a blue lives matter flag in the background.

Only Fans-You bitched that young people need to get jobs. Many found a revenue stream without having to leave their house. Nobody cares that you stocked shelves for 25 cents per hour.

Cryptocurrency-We all know it’s fake. So is money. Only gold is real, so unless you are physically showing me your gold, you aren’t allowed to complain about the value of Dogecoin.

Elvis Presley-Fucked a 14 year old, something that wasn’t cool in the 1850’s, and sure as shit wasn’t cool in the 1950’s. Also, his music was terrible and his movies made Transformers 2 look like Citizen Kane.

Music, in general-You don’t like Wet Ass Pussy yet you blast She’s Only Seventeen. Get over yourself.

The News-You got old and chose not to fact check things. Now you only believe what Tucker Carlson says even though Fox News itself said that he is only for entertainment purposes and shouldn’t be taken seriously. For a generation that claims they had to work harder than us growing up, you sure spend a lot of time lazily not fact-checking.

Food-You all are the reason dollar frozen dinners exist. You brought shitty food into this world, it’s not our fault our taste buds don’t suck.

Home ownership-Your generation chose to suppress wages so much that ours can barely afford anything. If a 40 hour work week could buy a house like it did 40 years ago, then everyone would do it.

Applebees-Yea we are killing it off. We already killed Bakers Square. We are coming for Buffalo Wild Wings. Feed us shitty food at your own peril.

Sports Cards-Yea the prices are insane. I don’t care that you used to enjoy them. I’m sorry you mashed your retirement into your bike spokes. Have some foresight.

Cancel Culture-You guys called it patriotism when you got Colin Kaepernick black balled out of football. You are also the same dipshits that slapped your palms together with excitement when people started calling french fries “freedom fries.” It’s not cancel culture. You have shitty opinions.

I’m sure a million more things will come up that you guys are terrible about. In fact, by pointing a cannon at everyone born before Vietnam, I could probably do this forever. And I just might.

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