There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.
RIP To The Choco Taco
Companies reveal and remove food items from our lives all the time. When you are a fat, this hits you particularly hard. And as a noted fat, I was heartbroken to learn that Klondike had decided to discontinue the Choco Taco, a sweet treat of a taco made of a waffle cone, ice cream, and then dipped in chocolate. It’s July, a month that is specifically taxing on people of girth. We need our cool treats (shout out to my buddy Mongoloid Mike who was out of town on my birthday, so he Door Dash’d me ice cream sandwiches from Coldstone) to help us survive the sweltering heat. We don’t melt like snowmen, we die of heat stroke while trying to mow the yard.
It’s understandable that sales might have fallen after forty years, but that doesn’t make it feel any better for me and the rest of my thicc men and women. You see, nobody notices when Wendys or McDonalds removes a salad from their menu. There is always be a “grilled” chicken sandwich on food menus because the healthy are an (unfortunate) necessary part of the population.
But it’s the rotund among us are the ones that suffer. Weird looks when we order a Triple Whopper. Sympathetic sadness in the eyes of the cashier after you somehow order 15 dollars worth of Taco Bell. Nobody looks at us the way they look at people who run or ride bikes for health purposes. Women don’t look at us and salivate at the idea of hooking up with the guy making his fifth trip for a plate at a buffet.
And we are the ones that suffer. Limited time menu items that exist exclusively for the portly among us. You never see “A light, refreshing pear salad, for a limited time only.” No, you get “Four patties, seven types of cheese, and guess what fatty boom batty, we are going to deep fry it, limited time only!” That’s why losing the Choco Taco is such a sad development: it’s been such a damn reliable thing for so many decades.
For those wondering about the origins of the Choco Taco, it was created in Philadelphia in 1983, ostensibly in between sessions of battery throwing and booing Santa Claus. After a couple decades, it was rolled out in Italy and Sweden. Renamed the “Winner Taco” out that way. They didn’t particularly enjoy it in Europe, which makes me wonder why we saved them during WWII.
Now, it has met it’s maker here in the USA. There are no cries of it being cancelled. It’s just a remnant of a bygone era when people were less interested in their own health, and more interested in beating Super Mario 2. As the world looks for their foods to be more plant based, there just isn’t room for sweet foods shaped like savory foods. Just factory created substances shaped like savory foods.
I’ll choose not to cry for my chocolately mexican appropriation treat. Just be happy for the time I had with it. And then go and hoard the absolute hell out of it.
Me Yelling At A Cloud, Musically Speaking
I don’t understand music, anymore. I never really did, but now I REALLY don’t. I grew up listening to rock music, and that genre of music is basically just Anthony Kiedis and Dave Grohl retiring away from completely dying. It’s not that there isn’t rock music that still exists. It’s just that my terrestrial radio dependence on finding new music is Chicago, an absolute black hole for new music. If you want to find heavier new music, and you live within a roughly 5 mile radius of 100.7, you can listen to Q Rock. And after that….well….that’s about it.
Q101 only claims to play new music because Imagine Dragons and Twenty One Pilots keeps releasing forgettable schlock to keep that statement technically true. Nickelback has more artistic integrity than either band. Outside of that, there is no place to go for new rock music in the area. Don’t even get me started with Rock 95.5, which exists to remind everyone why we all hate Bon Jovi.
I’ve never much been into hip hop or pop music, and i’ve come to terms with that. So it should come as absolutely no shock that I have zero clue who most of the Lollapalooza Headliners are this year.
So instead of looking them up, i’m just going to make incredibly vague and dumb assumptions about every headlining band for all four days.
Thursday
Lil Baby-I dunno, is this different from Da’ Baby? I think i’ve heard of Da’ Baby. Either way, i’m just going to go on the assumption that this is actually a small child. Maybe one of Jay Z and Beyonce’s brood? Maybe then Lil Baby is a pop musician, since the music Taylor Swift makes causes her to be a Big Baby.
Caroline Polachek-Look, i’m all for having a variety of acts, but shouldn’t they just have the entire band, and not just the lead singer. Polachek is a polka singer, right?
ZHU-Not enough vowels in the name for me to care. Consonants, either.
Metallica-Not sure if this is the token old people act, or they are really riding the wave of their music being in Stranger Things. Either way, they are probably going to still play wayyyyyyyyyy too much music made after the Black album. It might be nearly 30 years on, nobody wants to listen to anything off Load.
Friday
Machine Gun Kelly-Emo MGK or hip hop MGK? Because either way, it will be terrible.
Bob Moses-Aw, man. This isn’t fair. Bob Moses died last year. There are going to be a lot of people disappoi…oh, Bob Moses is a Canadian two piece that makes electronic music. Man, people showing up to see the real Bob Moses is gonna be BIG pissed about this.
Rezz-If this was the 90’s, i’d assume this was a new alternative band that’s got a hot video right now on 120 Minutes directed by whoever did Black Hole Sun. But it’s 2022, so I just assume I hate whatever Rezz is.
Dua Lipa-Heard of her, but I couldn’t name one of her songs if my life depended on it. In fact, i’d probably just say “Boys Are Back in Town” because it’s better to die a hero’s death than die trying to think of a Dua Lipa song.
Saturday
Kygo-I’m pretty sure this is the Pokemon that evolves into Kyogre, not a band getting a Saturday nigth headline spot.
Willow-So it’s just a big ol’ Pokemon Saturday night I see.
Kaskade-I’m actually familiar with Kaskade as an electronic outfit. That doesn’t mean I like them. But I am aware of their existence.
J. Cole-I haven’t looked at Sunday yet, but J. Cole is literally the only headline i’ve seen that i’d pay to see..
Sunday
J-Hope-Wait, what, now i’m lost. Do I know J-Hope and not J. Cole? Which one did the Thong Song?
Polo & Pan-Either this is some ridiculous Disney themed hip hop project helmed by people playing Marco Polo and Peter Pan, or I just have no goddamn clue what is happening, anymore.
Denzel Curry-Steph Curry’s kid sure grew up, fast.
Green Day-Play Dookie and then get off the stage in an orderly fashion, you elderly bastards.
Feud of the Week: Hoda Kotb vs. Savannah Guthrie
Today Show co-hosts Savannah Guthrie and Hoda “I’m missing a vowel in my last name” Kotb apparently have a playful back and forth in their duties of keeping both the unemployed and people waiting to get their oil changed entertained every morning. During a cooking segment on Friday, Savannah talked over the top of Hoda and came off as dismissive of her while making a salad or something. This lead to a lot of awkwardness among them, the guest trying to teach them how to mix a salad, Al Roker, Craig Melvin, and New York Yankees Gerrit Cole, Jose Trevino, and Anthony Rizzo.
This comes as a Sun article says sources within the show say that the two can’t stand eachother, and that Guthrie views herself as the real news anchor and sees Kotb as a lightweight wine drinker.
Fans of the show, which feels like something that is completely made up (who is a “fan” of a morning show, except for the exceedingly depressed and the criminally insane?), have noted recent uncomfortable interactions between the show mates as they have pushed in opposite directions.
Now if you find this all to be extremely boring, then take note that it’s a lot harder for me to do actual research about this “feud” and report back to you than it is to read it. I’m the real victim here.
Anyway, i’m sure this will all work itself out by Hoda getting an extra segment with puppies or something, and Guthrie will be allowed to report on some serious news like a the 100th anniversary of the Hindenburg (yes, I know that’s in 2037. I don’t care anymore). This will all resolve itself, because as it turns out, these people are making a psychotic amount of money to be background music for people checking in to see a doctor. No, seriously. Hoda Kotb makes 8-10 million dollars per year. I’m a big “athletes should make more than they ask for because it is so rare to have their level of talent.” I’m pretty sure Kotb and Guthrie can be replaced by an FSU grad with a tan, sunny disposition, and an inkling of conversational skill.
Top Three Prolapsed Anuses Of The Week
3: North Dakota Kid Rock Fans-After a Kid Rock concert was cancelled at a State Fair in North Dakota due to weather, the fans decided to show their displeasure by trashing the stage with garbage and charging onto it (what is it with these people and rioting). Part of me understands because Kid Rock showing up is probably the most interesting thing that will ever happen in North Dakota, but still…
2: Kid Rock-American Bad Ass? More like American…Can’t handle a little wind ass. Seriously, they didn’t even end up shutting down the Tilt-A-Whirl for the storm. I’m pretty sure Rock would have survived his Lynyrd Skynyrd cosplay routine out there.
1: North Dakota, the State: Go be Canada, again. You do nothing for us.
Dead Person of the Week
Noted sexual icon seen above, Gertrude Stein! Before going into surgery, she asked her partner “What is the answer.” Her partner responded with “There is no answer.” To which Stein replied “then there is no question.” She then went into surgery and died. That means Stein is going to go down as the most famous person in history whose last words were a riddle.
Riddles aside, Stein was a noted author, art collector, and fan of France. She was born in Pittsburgh into a jewish family (keep that in mind when I get to World War II) of affluence. She grew up in Paris and Oakland, California, kind of like how I assume Reggie Jackson lived in the 1970’s. She went to Radcliffe and later Johns Hopkins Medical School. She never completed medical school because it bored her (if I had a dollar..). She also found herself depressed and discovering her own sexuality in medical school. Eventually, she followed her brother back to Paris, where they would become king shits of art mountain.
Since their dad was dead, they did the early 1900’s version of #RichKidsOfInstagram, by buying art work of some of the most notable artists of the time. Gaugin, Renoir, Matisse, Picasso were notable artists included in the Stein kid’s collection.
Gertrude would begin writing of such taboo experiences (back then) as lesbian trysts and same sex relationships. Her work is mixed to say the least. I tried to read “The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas” a while back but my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I went unconscious from boredom for nearly 72 hours. It should be noted that Alice was the person to whom Stein uttered her last words to.
While in modern day, her work might be boring, it’s worth remembering that Stephen King wasn’t writing books, nor even alive yet.
Stein was not a fan of FDR, nor did she believe the Industrial Revolution was a good thing, which seems like a thing someone who gadabouted around Paris on her dead dad’s money would say. She was not a stream line of political beliefs, and rather went off in a number of different directions. She was very pro-immigration in America.
Oh, and she also translated the speeches of Philippe Petain to be published in English. If you aren’t familiar with Petain: I’ll give you the abridged version: During World War II, as Germany was closing in on France, the Prime Minister resigned. Petain took over the role, signed an armistice with Germany, moved the government to Vichy, started a new country, and collaborated with the Nazi’s while Italy took over France. After the USA came in and SAVED EVERYONE’S ASSES, Petain was charged and convicted of Treason. He was originally sentenced to death, but ultimately realizing that he was 80 and not worth the bullets or rope that would be used to kill him, he spent the rest of his life in jail.
Charles De Gaulle once said of him “”successively banal, then glorious, then deplorable, but never mediocre”.
That’s one way to say it. Another way would be to say “when the going got tough, the tough turned into a treasonous nazi.”
Trying to get more of a Nazi foot hold in America, his speeches were translated by Stein to be made into a book for domestic release. Random House, Stein’s US publisher, was so horrified by what they read, they never produced it.
Gertrude, who I need to reassert was Jewish, spent a fair chunk of the war fighting to keep her fellow people from going to concentration camps.
Just kidding, she ended up in Vichy with the new Nazi themed government that Petain helped start. 75k jews from the region ended up in concentration camps. Stein escaped any persecution by being a friend of people in high places, and a sympathizer of Hitler. Also, she really wanted to make sure her art collection didn’t get pillaged.
Let’s play a quick game of who said the following quote.
“I say Hitler ought to have the peace prize…because he is removing all elements of contest and struggle from Germany. By driving out the Jews and the democratic Left elements, he is driving out everything that conduces to activity. That means peace.”
If you said Heinrich Himler, Goebbels, or Mel Gibson, you would be incorrect. It was of course Gertrude Stein who said this in 1934. Some say she was just saying it to get attention.
So, just to conclude: Gertrude Stein was an affluent, sexually liberal celebrity who only really cared about herself and the self aggrandizing lifestyle to which she had become so comfortable with. She said stupid stuff and spoke glowingly about nazis.
Gertrude Stein wasn’t a genius. She was pre-television Tila Tequila.
What Song Became Classic Rock This Week
It’s a known fact that music becomes classic after 20 years. Well, what song was released 20 years ago that is now officially classic rock?
Oh you better believe it’s Complicated by Avril Lavigne! 18 year old me had a massive crush on Avril back in the day. Actually, I just googled her and 38 year old me still does. But that could be because the original Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by a different person that the record company said was her.
This, of course, isn’t true. The same rumor has gone around about Andrew WK. It’s really stunning that music fans can’t grasp the concept of aging. Especially considering most of the people coming up with this shit have gotten so much progressively fatter that they should notice by now.
Anyway, Avril dropped onto the scene with this little ditty about things being complicated and whatnot. It’s got a super casual groove with a catchy chorus. This song is going to get into classic rock rotation very soon. This genre is already slipping into classic rock. The fact that Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas has been classic rock for half a decade already and gets legitimate airplay should lead the way for more songs like this to get into the rotation.
While there is a sense that this could lead to more female driven pop songs getting into classic rock, Sheryl Crow already paved a path for it to happen. As she should have. “All I Wanna Do” still slaps. Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton really need this. Not Sara Bareilles though. She is in Girls 5 Eva, the best tv comedy co come out in years. She is good.
What To Look Out For This Week
1: The Cubs will trade both of their All Stars, Willson Contreras and Ian Happ, so billionaire fail son Pete Ricketts can afford to keep marijuana illegal in Nebraska, a state that has literally nothing else to look forward to.
2: Kid Rock will have another concert cancelled in Wyoming. He will claim that weather is trying to cancel him. Fox News will believe him and dedicate 22 hours of air time to it, including Tucker Carlson having a full on tantrum when he finds out that rainbows are weather related.
3: Another super hero movie will be teased for a 2025 release. Virgins everywhere will get pre-mad about it.
Fancy Boys Club 