There is a lot rattling around in site co-founder Brandon Andreasen’s head. He can’t spend 5000 words on everything that he wants to, because it would heavily interfere in his time normally spent drinking, watching King of the Hill reruns, and just generally being lazy. So every week, Brandon is going to do a scattershot of smaller stories he won’t commit to writing full stories about.
Bullet Train is Pure Insansity
It’s always refreshing to go to a movie and enjoy yourself. This is difficult for me because I don’t like the horror genre, and the only thing that makes me break out in hives more than super hero movies is bee stings. (very literally on the bee sting front. My buddy Chabus had to drive me to the hospital one time because I nearly My Girl’d myself.)
It’s rare that movies come into theaters that pique my interest. I waited two years for Top Gun and, my god, did I love that movie more than anything. Another movie is hitting theaters this week that also excited me. That movie was the Brad Pitt starring movie Bullet Train. It just seemed cool and fun and had one of those fun, violent movies that you don’t have to think too hard about. Holy hell, this movie was the most batshit crazy thing i’ve seen in a while, and I mean that in the best way possible.
Brad Pitt plays a low end smash and grab specialist on a mission to get a briefcase, and then, about ten minutes in, the movie goes full Smoking’ Aces, which is good, because to this day, I don’t watch the Oscars because not only did Smokin’ Aces lose out on best film to Crash, it wasn’t even nominated. I mean, seriously, who the hell even still watches Capote and Good Night, Good Luck? But Aces is still a classic. A CLASSIC!
Without giving too much away, the movie builds up a massive cast of characters and even includes some high end cameos. The ending is an absolute blast. I had to go to the bathroom around 20 minutes into the movie but didn’t get out of my seat because I was so locked in with the movie.
Obviously the movie is not going to be for everyone. It is needlessly violent and the plot gets a little bit convoluted the deeper it goes. But I’m of the opinion that a movie should be fun. It should leave you entertained. You don’t always have to think deeply into a movie. Everyone agrees that Brokeback Mountain was the better written and better acted movie. You are allowed to acknowledge that while also acknowledging that Hut Tub Time Machine is the more fun movie to watch.
Not every movie has to leave you feeling terrible about society like The Joker did. Sometimes you just want to watch bad guys get killed, some witty one liners, and a movie that has a resolution.
Bullet Train was awesome. Do yourself a favor and see it if you just want to enjoy yourself for two hours without having to worry about whether something is canon or want to be forced into some kind of deep thought about society.
The Cubs Did Nothing At the Trade Deadline, and That’s Fine
The trade deadline for Major League Baseball came and went at 5pm on Tuesday. The Chicago Cubs were expected to be sellers. As another season pushes us farther from the feelings we had from 2015-2017, the Cubs continue to push us away as fans with one hand while raking in profit with the other. The team was expected to be ready to make trades at the deadline, including purported attempts to trade All Stars Willson Contreras and Ian Happ due to the impending free agency this year of Contreras, and the large arbitration pay raise Happ would received before he too became a free agent.
Then the trade deadline came and went and the two star Cubs were still on the team. The Cubs are getting absolutely brutalized around sports Twitter for doing nothing. They are getting accused of over valuing their assets and pricing themselves out of the market, leaving them in a position to get nothing for the players rather than trade them for prospects who could help the team somewhere down the road.
As a Cubs fan growing increasingly disillusioned by the direction the Cubs are going, I was nervously updating Twitter every ten seconds around the deadline until it started to get reported that the team had stood pat with their star players. I completely understand the argument for trading everything possible on a team that is so far away from contending. It’s easier to dream on the potential of players in the future than entering the dog days of August watching a go nowhere team going through the motions.
But man, last year broke me. At the deadline last year, the team traded former MVP Kris Bryant, the most exciting player in baseball in Javy Baez, and the unquestioned team leader Anthony Rizzo. That was a gut punch. It wasn’t just closing a chapter. It was slamming a book shut. Can you name a single player that came back in those trades? I can, because i’m a psychopath. But the average fan doesn’t care that Pete Crow-Armstrong (came over from the Mets in the Baez trade) is absolutely killing it in the low minors. It doesn’t matter how much it looks like Caleb Killian (came over in the Kris Bryant trade) is figuring things out in AAA and could be in the starting rotation as soon as next season.
For as great as the internet is in keeping us baseball fans interested in the minor leagues is one of the only things that makes this flaming hellscape worthwhile, it has still given many fans a false sense of hope for the future. It has taken away the one great truth of baseball: most players in the minors will fail to make an impact in the majors. Even fewer will become stars. It’s fun to dream on them, but they are still lottery tickets. Brennan Davis is considered the best prospect in the Cubs system. Brennan Davis also suffered a back injury that might derail the entire rest of his season. There is no guarantee he is ever completely right in his back again. You don’t know.
So it is that Contreras and Happ remain on the team for the rest of this season, playing out the string. But they are still Cubs. They weren’t jettisoned. Both players stated how badly they wanted to remain Cubs. Maybe they will sign long term contracts with the Cubs after the season. Maybe they won’t. Maybe the Cubs will cheap out and let them go. But after last season, i’d rather go down with the ship, watching the guys I care about rather than live vicariously through box scores from Myrtle Beach.
Vin Scully: 1927-2022
On Tuesday night, the baseball world lost a person who “icon” does no justice to. The term “G.O.A.T.” gets thrown around a lot, usually by people with no business saying it, but it is with absolutely no hesitation tonight that people are referring to Vin Scully as the greatest of all time. The 94 year old broadcaster passed away on Tuesday night. Universally beloved, there isn’t a person who ever had a negative thing to say about Scully. He broadcast Dodgers games for 67 years. He was there when the team moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles.
Scully was around baseball long enough that he announced games played by Jackie Robinson and coached by Honus Wagner. He announced during the entire careers of Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle, and Barry Bonds. He retired in 2016, meaning the two most reliable things in baseball ended that year: Scully’s career and the Cubs World Series drought.
Honestly, there is no possible way I can describe the overall greatness of Vin, so instead i’m going to leave some of my favorite clips that Scully every announced.
Vin announcing the last at bat of game 6 of the 1986 World Series, one of the most memorable moments in the history of baseball.
Two years later, he announced the Kirk Gibson walk off home run in game 1 of the 1988 World Series.
A couple months after his friend Harry Caray died, Scully led the Wrigley Field call in “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
Vin’s finald send-off in 2016
Vin reciting the iconic “People Will Come” speech from Field of Dreams.
And finally, Scully calling Hank Aaron’s record breaking home run.
In an increasingly polarized world, there will never be another Vin Scully. No person could be so beloved, so universally respected and revered. Vin transcended all things. He was the only voice that truly mattered in baseball, and the sport is worse off without him. RIP.
Feud Of The Week: Beyonce vs. Monica Lewinsky
Queen Bey dropped a new album called Renaissance, and she is already planning on redoing a lyric because she found the word spaz to be problematic. Considering that Beyonce has enough people writing her music to make Taylor Swift look like an indie folk act, she might have genuinely not realized that she said it.
While “spaz” doesn’t really register with me because I say much more terrible things about people on a nearly daily basis, but then again, I’m not considered a Generational Legend, so I suppose heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Though a decade has passed, the removal of the lyric has churned up Monica Lewinsky out of the ether, looking for her own revision. In the 2013 song Partition, Beyonce drops the line “He bucked all my buttons, he ripped my blouse, He Monica Lewinski’d all on my gown.” Seeing as the lyric in question is based on something that happened in the 90’s, we don’t have to dig into the meaning.
While this is admittedly a weak feud, and there is a 99% chance Beyonce has no clue that Lewinsky still exits, I’m all for this rivalry if it means we get a Monica Lewinsky dating show or Only Fans or something.
Top Three Prolapsed Anuses of the Week
3: Tony LaRussa was caught on camera nodding off in the middle of a game. Good to see things going so well for the White Sox, seeing as they are owned by king anus Jerry Reinsdorf.
2: Dana White. No reason, I just hate his fucking face.
1: Rand Paul, who should have some kind of prolapsed anus lifetime achievement award, voted against a bill that would have provided expanded health care for veterans, and doubled down by saying “How can we even know if what they are suffering from happened while enlisted.” I desperately hope Paul gets eaten face first by a rabid alligator.
We are going to take the week off from Dead Person of the Week. I generally like going after people who deserve to catch posthumous shrapnel, but we lost some genuinely awesome people in the last couple days in Scully, Bill Russell, and Nichelle Nichols, so i’ll take a break til next week. Spoiler Alert: I’m taking Ferdinand XI down a peg.
What Song Became Classic Rock This Week
It’s a known fact that music becomes classic after 20 years. Well, what song was released 20 years ago that is now officially classic rock?
YEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! It’s Nickelback, baby! This video has 129 million views, and i’ll say that again because it merits saying, 129 GODDAMN MILLION! You can feel the studded jeans and Affliction shirts through Chad Kroeger’s voice! This song is so early 2000’s that I’m shocked Scott Stapp isn’t driving through every scene while wearing a cowboy hat.
Nickelback takes a lot of shit, and i’m here with a hot take: It’s all deserved. Every fucking ounce of hate. The band created such a dumbed down version of hard rock, you would swear it was written for those Kids Bop cd’s your grandmother bought you because she was crazy and senile and forgot you were 20, and not 8.
Nickelback spent years making music that came to define what everyone hated about rock music, and gave rise to scene kids rebelling against it, which is it’s own evil.
And do you think Nickelback cares? Kroeger is worth 80 million dollars! He is such royalty in Canada that they probably roll out whatever the canuck version of a red carpet is for him (poutine stream?). The entire band is probably living in gold plated hockey rinks. Shine on, you crazy rich diamonds. You are classic rock!
What To Look For This Week
1: A grass roots movement will start to get the recently shelved Batgirl movie to be released. The people behind this will almost exclusively be virgins who have grown bored of touching themselves to Wandavision.
2: Angry about the recent Stranger Things related success that Kate Bush has experienced, a pissed off Kim Carnes will challenge her to a celebrity boxing match. The match will be promoted by VH1 Classic.
3: I’ll have my first gout flareup in three years. But to make sure i’m not stealing anyone’s bit, i’ll make sure Dave Sitko isn’t also suffering from gout at that moment.