Comedy contests are dumb. They are inherently arbitrary and many times the voting is completely dependent on who brings the most friends who will laugh at them. Or, if you are me, someone screams something at you from the crowd, and your brain melts in front of a room full of people.
Continue reading “My Biggest Bomb Onstage”Category: Comedy
NHL: The 20% report
Okay, so we are 20% through the season. Yes, as of this writing there are a few stragglers who have yet to reach the 20% mark… and there are a few teams over it. That’s scheduling for you. Hockey players need well-deserved breaks between games. It’s a brutal sport on one’s body, yet of course there is majesty to watching men on ice dazzle with their skating skills but still be able to smoke an opponent into the boards for merely sneering at them.
You may recall, well I am sure you will because EVERYONE READS this well-put together report, and my hockey knowledge is nearly as good as the Bantum-level hockey kid across the street, that the 10% report went sort of like this:
When Ballet and Comedy Collide
I remember that performance like it was yesterday.
I felt a swell of pride as I executed the show exactly as I had practiced it so many times before. Afterwards, a wave of applause erupted from 1,500 adoring fans. I felt like I had finally made it.
It was my ballet recital, and I was six.
Continue reading “When Ballet and Comedy Collide”World Series Report, post game 5
I waited until the series was over in Washington. I could spend a whole lot of space breaking down games 3, 4, and 5, giving you reasons why the Astros rallied from two games down to not only make this a series again, but to dominate the damn thing. However, there is truly only one number you need to know… the number one. Good gravy, Nationals. Swept at home. 4-1. 8-1. 7-1. One really is the loneliest number.
The Nationals fans seriously deserve a rousing round of applause for the chorus of ‘boos’ and the showering of ‘lock him up’ toward our feckless Bloated Circus Peanut leader as he was announced prior to the first pitch of Game 5. Made me proud the team also selected renowned chef, humanitarian and Trump-basher José Andrés to throw out the first pitch (low and outside) and then a bit sad their team couldn’t take the grandstand performance and run with it. Hell, Astro fans would have probably given DOTUS a standing ovation. Don’t try to fight me on this one, it’s Texas, one of those states where the capital is pretty much on its own liberal island.
Jesus Is King or (Kanye Sparknotes the Bible)
Did the album need to be religious? No, but don’t piss in my ears and tell me it’s holy water.
After a year of missed release dates, speaking out against premarital sex, and Stanning for Trump, Kanye has finally released…whatever the fuck this is.
Being billed as a gospel album, Jesus Is King clocks in at just over twenty-five minutes, which is also how long I assume Mr. West spent penning the lyrics for these tracks, the highlights of which are prose such as “You closed on Sunday. You my Chic-fil-A/You’re my number one, with a lemonade.” and “What if Eve made apple juice/ You gone do what Adam do?” Continue reading “Jesus Is King or (Kanye Sparknotes the Bible)”
Autumn for Basic Bitches
Autumn in Chicago can be hard on a Basic Bitch. Society tries to convince us that we’re the only ones who love cozying up with a pumpkin spice latté and our favorite Charlotte Brontë novel. So I’ve decided to make a list of the top 6 things us Basic Bitches are looking forward to this season in the hopes that we can all unabashedly enjoy them together.
Continue reading “Autumn for Basic Bitches”The NHL at 10%
Hockey is violent ballet; grace and guts. And yes, if you’re skating on the same thin ice I am, The Nutcracker would sell more tickets if we knew sometime during the Sugar Plum Fairy one of the dancers would get crosschecked.
Okay, we’re around the 10% mark of the season. No, there was not a 0% report as a) zero means no games have been played, and b) no one wants to be a zero. What you’re going to see here is a breakdown of each team so far by conference and who’s going to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup based upon the current standings. Let’s go East first.
The Five Stages Of Grief…
Whenever a traumatic event happens in your life, it is natural to feel grief and pain. It would be crazy not to. Doctors have listed the five stages of grief as the natural process for anyone dealing with loss. Let’s go over them in detail.
Continue reading “The Five Stages Of Grief…”The ‘Murica Guide to Brexit
Brexit, Baby! It’s more than just a topic you half listen to on “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.” It’s a full on thing, and it’s exciting as all hell. It’s basically what would happen if government was run by Chuck Lorre. There are low end burns, family members turning on each other, and horrible haired men flailing about, trying to impose his will on a country that regrets a vote in the first place. You know what, fuck Chuck Lorre. Brexit has turned the United Kingdom into a stupider (somehow) version of the United States.
England is run much like the United States. Only instead of pretending like they are all god fearing people to get simpletons to vote for them, in England they all act as if they fear a 94 year old queen who occasionally likes drinking champagne. You know what, i’m getting ahead of myself and already treading into dangerous territory of making this very boring.
Let’s try this another way. Let’s Fancy Boy it. No, no. Let’s Gawker(RIP) it! No. No. There is only one way to properly explain it, and that’s the Toby Keith way. Here is: The ‘Murica Guide to Brexit.
Continue reading “The ‘Murica Guide to Brexit”Creating Laughter is the Best Medicine
I grew up in the South suburbs of Chicago. I was raised by a single mom who got pregnant at 18 and who herself came from a broken home. We lived very modestly, constantly moving from one apartment to another sharing places with various roommates. However, the one thing my mom recognized early on was that I possessed many talents and she went out of her way to spend whatever she had to make sure that I had an excellent education in the arts. Piano lessons, acting lessons, singing in choirs and more guitar lessons.
At one point, she even had to borrow money in order for me to get my own saxophone just to participate in the elementary school band. Saying my mother was “supportive” of my dreams of being a rock star would be an understatement. Naturally, this desire followed me throughout my life and as soon as I graduated from High School (and by graduated I mean, got my GED before my senior year was even finished), I packed my car and drove down to Nashville TN to become a famous songwriter. I was offered a “development deal” with a record label and thought this is it I’m on my way.
In less than 3 months, I was dropped from the label and had to come back to Chicago feeling like a failure. It was very clear that I didn’t understand “the business”.
Continue reading “Creating Laughter is the Best Medicine”
Fancy Boys Club 