The Five Stages Of Grief…

Whenever a traumatic event happens in your life, it is natural to feel grief and pain. It would be crazy not to. Doctors have listed the five stages of grief as the natural process for anyone dealing with loss. Let’s go over them in detail.

Step 1: Wine

It is important in the initial stage of grief to be thoroughly hydrated. But, as all doctors know, water is for suckers and lames. To help, we suggest switching your hydration base to wine. It’s affordable, it’s delicious, and it’s the best thing for helping you forget that something bad may have happened to you. For smaller griefs, Rex Goliath has acceptable wine for a couple of bucks. For a larger loss, you may just want to go to Sam’s Club and pick up a couple of boxes.

Step 2: Stress Eating

Once you’re hydrated, your body needs fuel in order to continue processing your grief. What your body needs depends on who you are, but there are usually two basic rules to help you on your path of recovery: nothing healthy, and everything in excess. Sure, three hot dogs from Portillo’s would feel nice in your wine-soaked belly. But do you know what would make you feel twice as good? Six hot dogs. Can you put cheese on top of food? Then fucking do it, you ragtag coward. Dairy and grease help the healing.

Step 3: Pills

We’re now stepping up our grief to a more extreme level, so more extreme measures are needed. Thankfully, on the eighth day, God created pills, so we’re able to take care of this step pretty cleanly. Just remember the old slogan your nana told you, “Oval or round, make sure they all go down.”

Step 4: Whiskey

At this point, we’re no longer worried about the quantity of liquids. We’re moving to quality, and nothing says quality better than our friend whiskey. Make sure you’re drinking it on the rocks in order to get your daily water requirement. And, since you’re supposed to be drinking 6-8 glasses of water a day, that’s 12-14 glasses of ice, so you better be pouring doubles to make sure it goes down smooth.

Step 5: Crying while watching Paddington 2.

This is pretty much self-explanatory. Director Paul King’s 2018 classic is exactly what your soul needs, now that booze and pills have cleaned out your body. Just go ahead, soldier, and let it all out. Your five stages of grief are done.

It’s all gonna be ok.

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