The ‘Murica Guide to Brexit

Brexit, Baby! It’s more than just a topic you half listen to on “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.” It’s a full on thing, and it’s exciting as all hell. It’s basically what would happen if government was run by Chuck Lorre. There are low end burns, family members turning on each other, and horrible haired men flailing about, trying to impose his will on a country that regrets a vote in the first place. You know what, fuck Chuck Lorre. Brexit has turned the United Kingdom into a stupider (somehow) version of the United States.

England is run much like the United States. Only instead of pretending like they are all god fearing people to get simpletons to vote for them, in England they all act as if they fear a 94 year old queen who occasionally likes drinking champagne. You know what, i’m getting ahead of myself and already treading into dangerous territory of making this very boring.

Let’s try this another way. Let’s Fancy Boy it. No, no. Let’s Gawker(RIP) it! No. No. There is only one way to properly explain it, and that’s the Toby Keith way. Here is: The ‘Murica Guide to Brexit.

A few years ago, the United Kingdom, in a fit of “Trump Fever,” decided that they wanted full control over their countries, and they didn’t want no sissy ass Europeans telling them how to do their governing, their taxing, and everything else.

{A QUICK NOTE ON ENGLAND. England is full of themselves and have been for centuries. England used to be the world superpower. But instead of grimly holding the thought of a nuclear holocaust over countries heads to keep the peace, they simply planted their flags and made the country they took over learn English. Man, the 1500’s must have been wacky. They used to lord over Kenya, Egypt, India, Hong Kong, Jamaica, Singapore, South Africa, parts of Australia, and until we dumped their stupid tea into the ocean and beat their asses up and down the eastern seaboard, the United States. }

Using the nationalist playbook that has become oh so popular over the past few years, pro-Brexit members of the English government, or Brexiteers as they stupidly, stupidly named themselves, were able to lather their constituents into a panic, leading to the United Kingdom to have a vote as to whether they would leave the European Union, a group of 28 countries surrounding England in Europe that determine things like tariffs, the sheriffing of agriculture, and the free movement of people.

Let’s go ahead and emphasize the free movement of people. For as world powery as England seems to think they are, they are actually just as small minded as ‘Murica when it comes to immigrants. England is far more familiar and happy with the concept of invading indigenous people’s lands and imposing their will on them, than they are of people from other countries showing up and starting small restaurants.

Someone give these guys their Michelin Star!

Because yeah, apparently England thinks they already have the whole “food culture” thing figured out. When you slap a tomato onto a plate of beans for breakfast, you’ve obviously hit the nadir and don’t really need to hear from other cultures of food. MORE SALT, MUM!

The other thing that the deal makers of England wanted was independence of goods going in and out of their country. If you are wondering what England exports that is so important for them to control their tariffs of, well, let’s take a look at the top five exports from the UK.

1: Computers and Computer Accessories

The United States exports three times as many computers, and every computer in America is made in Honduras. They just get thrown in “Dell” boxes, end up on a container ship flying an American flag, and are considered American exports. Life is stupid.

2: Vehicles

This might seem stunning, since the only car you’ve heard of that England makes is Land Rover, unless your a giant fucking dork and own a Honda Jazz. They export 50 billion dollars worth of vehicles every year, which is an impressive number until you remember that the United States exports 160 billion dollars worth, and most “American” cars worth a damn are built in Mexico, or worse, Kentucky.

3: Gems, Precious Metals

Yep, when buying precious metals and turning them into money is part of your business, you’re essentially a glorified Cash for Gold Business.

Straight Cash, Homie!

4: Oil

Shockingly, England does have oil. Not as much their pasty asses would probably prefer, though. They produce ten times less oil than the USA, Russia, or Saudi Arabia. Kazakhstan produces more oil, so it’s not exactly a backbone export of the country.

5: Pharmaceuticals

There is a surprisingly deep well of companies that produce pills in England. But, ever since Blue Chew came out and people discovered Fentanyl, there really hasn’t been as much of a reliance on English drugs.

So basically, cheap computers, cars, and jewelry. The United Kingdom isn’t so much a country as it is an episode of Pawn Stars that became sentient and started to have racist thoughts about immigrants.

But they, as a country, seem to be very interested in their own ability to control trade throughout the country. So much so that in 2016, they put it to a vote. Much like the American government when it comes to public votes, they entrusted the dumbest sections of their country to be allowed to participate in the process.

On June 23, 2016, England did just that. They let the public decide, and the public decided 52 percent to 48 percent to leave the European Union. This is roughly the equivalent of Alabama deciding it no longer wanted to be a part of America. Then without actually having anything even remotely resembling a plan in place, letting the general public of Alabama, ROLL DAMN TIDE, vote as to whether they were going to be become their own country. And of course they voted yes, because it’s Alabama and you literally don’t expect anything more of them.

Now, the reason I say that Alabama would have voted without actually having a plan in place, that is because the United Kingdom did THAT EXACT THING. They had a bunch of grand ideas about taking back their independence from the European Union, but never actually put pen to paper and agreed on anything. They just assumed that 1,000 days would be enough to figure it all out.

[NARRATOR VOICE: IT WASN’T]

The plan was to put a deal in place with the European Union that would figure out the logistics of them leaving the Union. What they were trying to do was come up with a divorce like they have in rom coms where the husband realizes that the wife is just better off with her free spirited friend, so they shake and he gets the dog, she gets the cat, and he gets control of Northern Ireland.

Now, i’m sure many of you are asking “What the hell is Northern Ireland?”

Or, if you are more geograpically inclined, you might ask “What does Northern Ireland have to do with all of this?”

Northern Ireland has existed since 1921, when Ireland proper decided they wanted to be their own country under their own rule. The problem is, part of Ireland, and if you are paying attention you will realize that this is the Northern part i’m referring to, decided they wanted to be a part of England. They were protestants who saw themselves as Unionists. Also within Northen Ireland, though, were Catholics who referred to themselves as Nationalists.

Ireland basically just decided they weren’t fucking with any of this, and built a border and let the two religions figure it out. And for the next 75 years, they most definitely did not figure it out. In fact, they mostly just killed eachother.

This is the rough equivalent of if Alabama was their own country, but also had heavy influence on the shittier parts of Mississippi. Mississippi decided to divide itself so they didn’t have to deal with all the bullshit, and then the shitty part of Mississippi killed each other for decades over whether or not they should be ruled by Alabama.

Now why does Northern Ireland matter? Because it’s crucially important to the European Union to keep open borders between Ireland and Northern Ireland. The Brexiteers, again, a stupidly, stupidly named politicians trying to get out of the Union, want to form a border (again, does this all sound familiar?) to keep the free movement between Ireland and Northern Ireland from being free and open. The European Union is afraid this would start a war. Not because anyone necessarily gives a shit about Northern Ireland, but the UK will be damned if you are able to get into their country without them knowing about it and taxing it. The UK wants in on that sweet sweet potato tariff.

Now, it’s worth nothing that the United Kingdom is notoriously dumb for wanting to leave the European Union in the first place. In ‘Murica, every time that Texas or California claims that they want to become their own country, every one else just says “Don’t let the door hit your asses on the way out.” Everyone is generally smart enough to understand this as the bad idea it is. You know the concept of strength in numbers? That basically works in country form and is the reason Canada and Mexico don’t go to war with the United States. In reality, everyone needs everyone. We continue to exist on this earth by not being the Middle East. And even as fun as it is to think about Texas putting on their big boy pants and then immediately having the US Army walk in and drive every sun bleached idiot out of Austin.

So let’s circle back to why England wants to leave. And further more, let’s circle back to why England is very much up it’s own ass.

England very much believes that even to this day, is spite of having to be bailed out of the last two World Wars, that they are a national power in anything more than name. England is the 30 year old guy at the frat party, hitting on women and trying to beat up freshmen. Everyone else at the party knows he is pathetic, but nobody is sure how to tell him. Kind of like Oakland Raiders fans who get mad when they aren’t included in talk about all-time great NFL franchises. Your team hasn’t done shit in 39 years, so we don’t have to talk about your silver and black.

To better understand the UK government, it’s worth taking a minute to explain how truly convoluted and downright American their entire political setup is.

Basically, they have a Prime Minister. Their Prime Minister is Boris Johnson, who is basically a K-Mart version Trump. He has terrible hair, says outlandish things, and has found himself in so many scandals, that idiots find that endearing. He used to be mayor of London, which is the rough equivalent of being governor of California. He was not awesome at his job. In fact, he is currently caught up in a scandal in which he (probably) was hooking up with a former model from the United States, and then funding all of her businesses through money sent to her via the city of London. THEN going so far as to send her on government funded trips so she could spread her brand with the blessing of the Mayor of London.

This is pretty much like is Donald Trump was not only having sex with Stormy Daniels and was funding her business of, fuck it, let’s say buying and selling corn. But then Trump also was so emboldened by his ability to do so and his own power that he would send Stormy Daniels to meet with governments overseas. Stormy Daniels would meet with the leaders of, oh I don’t know, Pakistan, about foreign policy.

That sounds absolutely batshit crazy, doesn’t it? Welp, that’s exactly what is happening right now in England. Johnson is dodging these questions left and right while his opposition are sharpening their knives because they smell blood sausage in the water.

Colonialism at the 10, 5, touchdown!

Beyond that, Johnson was just rebuked by the United Kingdom Supreme Court about some other ridiculous crap he tried to pull. Basically, he tried to shut down Parliament (Funkadelic) mere weeks before the Brexit deal was to be voted on so nobody would have time to come up with a viable plan for it, meaning he would get the nuclear option he wants: a no-deal Brexit. He basically did this by using his legislative will to force the queen to agree with his decision.

Now, for a lot of you, I know the queen is the only person you actually know exists in this whole “too many chefs…pale, pale, horrible haircut chefs” situation. But you probably don’t know how much power she has. And answer is, very little, at least on a day to day basis. Her sole purpose is to loom over the country and to attend Regattas (boat races). In almost every possible way, she is Betty White. They are both ancient. They are both beloved. And they both killed at the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.

So English Betty White does ultimately have veto power over the country, or god mode for you video gamers out there. It’s the thing Trump dreams about when he sleeps and he isn’t dreaming about minorities getting their rights taken away.

Below English Betty White is the Prime Minister, dopey headed Dave Coulier. Dopey headed Dave Coulier then selects the ministers of his cabinet, or lackeys, as the United States government has made us painfully aware. Remember when Rick Perry was put in charge of Nuclear Energy, in spite of the incredibly high percentage chance he couldn’t spell either word, because he was one of the first people in power to roll over and die for Trump? That’s also how the British Government works. The Prime Minister and the lesser Ministers are the Cabinet. In the end, all the rules go through them. They are mostly dullards…I’m sorry, I meant to say Mallards. They all just waddle around and eat bread.

Then, every five years, they hold elections for the House of Commons members, or England Senators, to make it easier. The only way that the five years is changed is if there is a vote of no confidence on someone. That means someone can get their ass busted out of Parliament (Funkadelic) if British Senate gets a 2/3rd vote on it, which then causes a snap vote, which means that the general public is expected to vote much sooner on someone to either be re-elected or replaced.

By Monarch Law, if someone gets a no confidence vote, but then still wins re-election, they are allowed to enter Parliament (Funkadelic) for one week on a white horse, while throwing taffy at all dissenting voters. British government sure is wacky.

Now, just in case you were wondering “Hey Brandon, why do people in England’s congress have really dumb names? Let me help you. Those names all mean something, horrifyingly enough. For example, The Baroness Evans of Bowes Park isn’t something I just made up, but is in fact a real title, which formed in 1307, or when dinosaurs still roamed the earth according to the Bible. Natalie Evans, the current Baroness, is the Leader of the House of Lords, who had a huge hit in 1991 with “Jump Around.”

These silly names are all over the place, and almost exclusively mean something that hasn’t been specifically relevant in hundreds of years. It’s basically the equivalent of America having to vote every five years to determine who the head of the Whig Party is, then that person would be known as Ben Shapiro, Teeniest Lord of Whigs and Chancellor of Being Too Short to Ride Roller Coasters. In 200 years, there will probably be a Parliament (Funkadelic) position titled Lord Based God of Vaping in London.

So now, let’s get into exactly where we are with Brexit. The date to leave is October 31st, which is a good date considering Boris Johnson looks like a Frankenstein monster, but if all the parts had been purchased at Dollar General. As mentioned before, Johnson used his executive power and sent a few winky face emojis the Queen’s way and she agreed to let him suspend Parliament (Funkadelic) until there was almost no time left before the Commons members could get any cohesive plan in place. This allowed Boris Johnson to go running around all willy nilly and taking his case to the rest of the European Union members, trying to get his way by using the threat that England leaving the European Union would create chaos through the rest of Europe. Anti-Johhnson members of Parliament (Funkadelic) are pushing to get a deal done with the rest of the union because they understand the concept that they are one country, and they realllllllly need the other 27 countries to play nice with them after they leave. Johnson is just kind of running around with dynamite taped to his jacket screaming that “WE ALL GONNA DIE!!” if they don’t have a deal on Halloween and still leave the Union.

If aspects of this don’t sound legal, Scotland agrees with you. Their Supreme Court ruled that it was illegal for Johnson to do this. Because they said it was, then the United Kingdom Supreme Court looked into it, and on Tuesday, they also determined it was illegal. This is not a good look for Johnson, because it makes it seem like he manipulated a 93 year old boat race attendee and occasional champagne enthusiast into setting a countdown timer on the destruction of the very country they were in. It’s kind of like an episode of Downtown Abbey, but so so so so so so much dumber. If you go back to the America analogy of Alabama and the shittier parts of Mississippi deciding to leave America and starting their own country, this is basically the city of Mobile going “Hey, this is illegal, the guy who is in charge of New Alabama (probably Alex Jones, because it takes a supreme idiot to pull an idiot move of such epic proportions) can’t stop the Alabama senate from trying to make a trade deal with the rest of the country by sending them home. Then the top judges in Mobile going “yea, totally, you can’t do that.” Followed by the top judges in Alabama (ROLL DAMN TIDE) agreeing and saying that the new King of Alabama ISN’T allowed to do that and that the Alabama (and shittier parts of Mississippi) State Congress need to get back into session to work this out.

So now, Johnson, the love child of Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber and Mr. Bean, has effectively embarrassed the queen, screwed over his own ruling party, and turned everyone against him. Oh, and remember, he is still deeply embroiled in a controversy where he was having sex with an ex model in exchange for giving away tens of thousands of pounds in government money to her!

ARE YOU STILL HERE WITH ME!

So, as the rest of the world is doing the Monster Mash, England is staring down the barrel of leaving the European Union with no deal in place. And, mind you, this is all because they really really want a border wall between Ireland and Northern Ireland, and are willing to flip the proverbial Risk board off the table because they are losing and, in a fit of rage, set the living room carpet on fire, all the while screaming “You aren’t my real dad, Rick! My real dad lives in Tallahassee and has a jet ski!”

Will the European Union be affected by this? Yes, but long term, no more so than America is whenever Trump has a tantrum over a country in Asia (pick one, doesn’t actually matter). On the other hand, England has the chance of being at the mercy of every other country in the European Union when it comes to things like the free flow of product in and out of countries and tariffs. The European Union could crush England with taxes, knowing that long term, most of the things that England exports can easily be made anywhere else. On the other hand, England really doesn’t produce enough oil to feel good about their reserves in case they get taxed to all hell. They make pharmaceuticals, but they don’t make everything needed to keep people alive, and if you thought it was bad trying to buy your insulin in America, try buying it in Cornwall when it has to be imported in from Luxembourg, who just issued a monster tariff against England on all medical related material that is sent to their country.

Much like a snake eating itself, the Brexiteers (the worst fucking name ever) are turning on each other and the entire plan in the first place. Richard Tice, the Chairman of the Brexit Party now says that there is no way they can get a deal done before the deadline and need to back up the deadline to make sure a plan is in place It’s worth noting that Tice is a Brexiteer (just truly fucking awful) with Boris Johnson, who tried to hold up Parliament (Funkadelic) so no plan could be put into place. They are on the same damn team.

Meanwhile, opposition party members are calling for Boris Johnson to resign because of this. Johnson says he won’t, because much like Trump, he is too stupid and arrogant to know when he is wrong. Both men are full grown and dumpy looking children who don’t get the toy they want at the store. They cry and stomp and make a scene. They were both born into lives that allowed them to feel that this way would always be acceptable. Both probably needed to get the shit kicked out of them in high school, and take them down a peg.

But, while hear in ‘Murica, Nancy Pelosi cranes her liver spotted neck while making a vapid, non-sensical point about why it’s not good to try to impeach Trump, England, or America Version 1.0, at least operates their governing body with a sense of urgency and need to get something done. They act with much less cowardice than Mitch McConnell, the Vlassic Pickle Stork who turned into a real shithead, then got bought out by the NRA.

There fights are played out for the world to see. It’s public. It’s brutal. It’s family versus family. It is dragging Parliament (Funkadelic) down into the muck. It’s just so, so American.

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