Brandon Andreasen

FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC East

August 23, 2021August 21, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Oh yes. oh god, yes. I do these previews every year for one reason. To just asolutely shit on this moribound, pathetic division. Every team in this division deserves to be thrown into low orbit. Their pure existence is proof that bad things exist. It is the Nickelback of football divisions. The Guy Fieri of teams that don’t deserve the national television love they get.

Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the winner of the NFC East had a 7-9 record. Even in a division this bad, nobody in this godforsaken bracket could get fat enough of playing these terrible teams to get to a .500 record. None of them deserved to make the playoffs and at least Washington had the good sense to fuck off quietly in the first round to the eventual Super Bowl champions. But my god. The amount of trash you have to set on fire to burn the energy needed to make this epileptic syndicate of garbage teams with even bigger dirt bag ownership is almost unprecedented.

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Sports, Uncategorized

FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC West

August 19, 2021August 17, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Welcome to the AFC West, which is ruled by one team until their quarterback leaves. Outside of the AFC East, this might be the most one sided division in the NFL. In one corner, you have the back to back AFC Champions. In the other three corners, you have a bunch of Barry Horowitz’s that are stepping in buckets and accidentally lighting themselves on fire and stabbing their own players in the lung.

The division is entertaining at the top end, because two of the teams have good quarterbacks. Two of the teams have rusty dildos playing the most important position in football. Those two teams aren’t entertaining. Alright, the week is almost over, lets get through this together. Welcome to the AFC West.

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Sports, Uncategorized

FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC South

August 18, 2021August 17, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Well, damnit. I knew i’d inevitably have to do it. It’s a feeling of existential dread. I keep looking away from my computer. I keep looking for something else to do. I take the dogs for a walk. I wash some dishes. But I have to return to this computer. This sucks. This is so stupid.

I really do not want to have to write about the AFC South.

The AFC South is the sad steamed vegetable on the dinner plate. It is Creed in the era of Limp BIzkit. It is Crocs as a fashion statement. It exists to fill a void. It exists because it has to. It joylessly does it’s job and is only enjoyed by the type of people who keep TGI Fridays in business. It’s a combination of both the dumpiest and least interesting places on earth. The fact that these teams aren’t all just forced to play eachother every Wednesday morning instead of wasting anybodies weekend truly feels like a waste. Fuck it. Let’s just get into it.

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Sports

FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC North

August 17, 2021August 17, 2021by Brandon Andreasen1 Comment

Every division in the AFC feels pretty cut and dry. The Bills in the East. Chiefs in the West. Tennessee in the South. But then there is the AFC North. Every other division is a slap fight at an Arbys at 2am. The North is Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield. It is a full on heavyweight fiiiiiiight. Last year, the traditional powers were met by the unexpected Cleveland Browns arrival into the top tier. Last year, three teams in the division won at least 11 games. To put that in perspective, any of these teams would have clinched the NFC East by Thanksgiving.

The AFC North is a good reason for the entire concept of divisions and conferences in the NFL to be abolished. So everyone that can win as many games as the good teams in the North did last year can get their fair shake in the playoffs, and teams like the entire NFC East can be shot at the sun for their sins against this sport.

Will it happen this way again? Probably not. Attrition in the NFL is a very real thing. Also, at least two teams in this division have regression written all over them. Either way, all eyes should be on this division this season. This is where the big boys play and it’s going to be must watch television all season long. Let’s take a look at the AFC North.

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Sports

FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC East

August 16, 2021August 17, 2021by Brandon Andreasen2 Comments

The AFC East is like a recent divorcee. The division only knows one person ruling it for a couple decades, and is now lost in the wilderness with a series of people you have to learn to trust in charge. But it’s also new and exciting because everyone hated the one person in charge for the past two decades. The fans of the hated person on top got too full of themselves. They began to think that having a great team was a right, not a privilege. It should go without saying that I hate both the Patriots and their fans.

Now, as the Patriots get decommissioned like an old cargo liner that will be sunk to create a barrier reef, the Bills and Dolphins emerge as the new contenders for the mantle at the top of the division. The Jets continue to be the puss filled abscess infecting the butt cheek of this division. Josh Allen got a quarter of a billion dollars to pretend to still like the city of Buffalo, or any other city that the Bills end up in. We got another Alabama quarterback destined to fail. We have lost dear, dear friend of the site, Adam Gase. But we soldier on. Welcome to the Fancy Boys Club Season Preview of the AFC East.

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food

Portillo’s Craps the (coop) Bed

July 9, 2021July 8, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

I am not a man who often goes wanting. My rotund figure and near endless appetite portend the fact that I have strong opinions about fast food, of which i’m often reliant on, as I’m sloth to eat my own food, even as i’ve cooked it. There are very few people on earth who were as ready for the great Chicken Wars as I was. The opening shots were fired, as all things are, on Twitter. The term “woke” was ruined through social media by conglomerate brands trying to be cool by turning their 140 characters of brand awareness over to jaded millenials, fresh off their graduation from Arizona State. The term was then co-opted by Tucker Carlson and his ilk, and now woke means “anyone that doesn’t get a throbbing erection at the sight of the flag.”

But I digress, as the only thing that that brings myself joy to the point of an unrequited pants skyscraper is a damn fine chicken sandwich.

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baseball, Sports

Old People Need To Chill: Tony LaRussa

May 20, 2021May 19, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

I wasn’t planning to start this series until next week, but when Christmas comes in May, you have to take notice. When every normal person absolutely sees a train barreling down a bus full of kindergartners coming and the only person that could stop it is tied to railroad tracks, Snidely Whiplash style. The baseball equivalent of Old Man Yells at Cloud was not only returning to Major League Baseball, he was taking over a team that had a diverse group of big personalities that are redefining how to play the game with fun and joy.

Tony LaRussa needs to chill the fuck out.

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baseball, Sports

An Athletics Relocation Adventure

May 13, 2021May 12, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

If you have been paying attention to the minutiae of baseball television rights alongside the proliferation of new modern baseball stadiums, and i’m sure you have, then you are very aware of the situation of the Oakland Athletics. The A’s, formerly of Philadelphia and Kansas City, debuted in Oakland in the Oakland Coliseum in April of 1968. Since then, the Athletics have played all of their home games in the stadium, which doubled for many decades as the home stadium of the Oakland Raiders.

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Advice

Old People Need to Chill: An Ongoing Series

May 6, 2021May 5, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Everyone thinks they are going to age gracefully. Each of us believes that we will be the ones to stare down the cold hand of death and rebel against it by keeping up with the latest trends, listening to the newest music, and doing what them young folks be doin’. To say the least, this is an appalling afront to the sensibilities of everyone who grew up and opted to age gracefully. Today, I saw an old man in skinny jeans, boots, and a shirt that should be worn by someone four decades his junior. He was wearing Warby Parker glasses that would make Andy Warhol blush. He had a french bulldog following him as if it were father time, waiting for him to kick the bucket from drinking too much Red Bull.

It should go without saying that this man did not look cool. This man did not look hip. This man looked like he saw what hip was, thought to himself “Well, this will make me look like the coolest person at the Homeowners Association Meeting” and went for it. He thought he was going to stand at the mountaintop of fashion and look down on his suburban counterparts with a stylish contempt. Instead, he went off the cliff, full-on Thelma and Louise style. Just full yeet.

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Sports

2021 NFL Draft First Round Live Blog

April 29, 2021April 29, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Welcome everybody to my constantly updating live blog where I’ll be giving my thoughts about picks throughout tonight’s first round of the NFL draft. All of the lovey eyes being made between prospects and teams. All of the subterfuge and personality testing. Everything is done. Tonight is where the rubber hits the road. Tonight is about changing teams through the draft and…..BAH GAWD THAT’S AARON RODGER’S MUSIC!

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