Oh yes. oh god, yes. I do these previews every year for one reason. To just asolutely shit on this moribound, pathetic division. Every team in this division deserves to be thrown into low orbit. Their pure existence is proof that bad things exist. It is the Nickelback of football divisions. The Guy Fieri of teams that don’t deserve the national television love they get.
Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the winner of the NFC East had a 7-9 record. Even in a division this bad, nobody in this godforsaken bracket could get fat enough of playing these terrible teams to get to a .500 record. None of them deserved to make the playoffs and at least Washington had the good sense to fuck off quietly in the first round to the eventual Super Bowl champions. But my god. The amount of trash you have to set on fire to burn the energy needed to make this epileptic syndicate of garbage teams with even bigger dirt bag ownership is almost unprecedented.
Most bad divisions have the good sense to be quietly terrible so as to leave the marquee games to the good teams. The AFC South, for example, plays all of their marquee games on Thursday nights so they can be half watched while you contemplate catching up on Masterchef, instead. The NFC East forces us to watch them far too often for their own performance. Cleveland spent something like two decades not getting to play national television games because they were bad. Most of the teams in this division have been bad just as long as the Browns were, but these garbage monsters get eight national games this year. Dallas has five national games this year. They have won four total playoff games over the past 25 seasons. Every year, it is a law that Al Michaels gets sent down to kiss Jerry Jones’ bourbon stained ring and talk about how amazing the stadium is. Fuck the stadium. Fuck Dallas. Fuck the state of Texas. Fuck this division. Time to review the NFC East!
Washington Football Team
2020 Record: 7-9
Coach: Ron Rivers
Key Additions: Ereck Flowers, Morgan Moses, Ryan Fitzpatrck, William Jackson III. Curtis Samuel
Key Losses: Alex Smith, Ronald Darby
If you don’t remember, and if there is a true and loving god, you didn’t, the Washington Football Team emerged from this toxic sludge oozing out of Fukushima with a record that was…ahem…approaching .500. They did so with a quarterback room consisting of a first round pick who wouldn’t even last on the team for the entire season, Kyle Allen, not the comedian, or maybe it was, who knows, and a polio stricken Alex Smith.
Emerging out of the NFC East last year was the equivalent of being the smartest kid to repeat the 2nd grade. The average bleach drinking enthusiast has a more enthusiastic outlook on life than fans forced to watch any of these teams.
Washington does at least have something to hang their hats on this season, as they do have a great defense, led by world eater Chase Young. The defense gave up the second fewest yards in the NFL last year. It helps that they played against Andy Dalton, Carson Wentz, and Daniel Jones, but I guess you can only plays the teams you are scheduled to, and they can’t help that they play in this disaster of a division.
They have brought in Ryan Fitzpatrick to sprinkle his magic and throw 20 interceptions, 18 of which are at the worst time possible. There is at least one skill position player that can get you excited, but there are definite questions about the offensive line and the team seems steadfast in having people like Peyton Barber play wayyyyy too much.
Nothing about this team screams out “division contender” but then again, nobody does. This division is only here to keep a much more deserving team out of the playoffs.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: They have one of the best defenses in football, but are being helmed by a quarterback who can only be trusted six times per year. And since nobody in this botched circumcision of a division is getting a bye, I find it hard to believe he will be able to save four of them for the playoffs.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: Yes, because six times per season, their defense will be unleashed on this botched abortion of a division.
New York Giants
2020 Record: 6-10
Coach: Joe Judge
Key Additions: Kevin Zeitler, Kyle Rudolph, Adoree Jackson, Kenny Galloday,
Key Losses: Golden Tate, Dalvin Tomlinson
It’s worth remembering that the only thing worth remembering about this team was Daniel Jones tripping over himself while he was wide open running towards the end zone. That’s it. The only memorable thing to happen to an entire football team was a gif. It was a horrible reach for the Giants to draft Jones sixth, and it looks even worse now. By QBR, even Jalen Hurts ranked better than him. He isn’t even good for fantasy purposes. In a 12 team league, his average draft position is: unavailable. Thats right, in a fantasy league where 24 QBs will be drafted on average, in a regular league where there are only 32 starting quarterbacks, nobody will touch Jones. That’s some damn fine first round pickin’.
Elsewhere, Saquon Barkley is coming back from an ACL injury, and we all know the long list of running backs that come back from it to be better than they were. They gave an absolute insane amount of money for nine games of Kenny Golladay, and drafted Kadarius Toney from wide receiver factory (sarcasm) Florida. They are putting as many weapons around Jones as possible so his failure will just be spectacular this season.
Their coach is absolute fucking dunce Joe Judge, who had the gall and audacity to bitch that the Eagles benched Jalen Hurts in a week 17 game that the Giants needed the Eagles to win so the Giants could win the division. YOUR TEAM WON SIX GAMES, YOU FUCKING ANUS. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. YOU WOULD BARELY QUALIFY TO PLAY IN THE I LOVE TO FUCK POTATOES BOISE BOWL.
Seriously, a bigger deal needed to be made about this. It was shadowed by the Hurts benching and subsequent firing of coach Doug Pederson. But holy hell. As a fan of this team, you should have been embarrassed out of your fucking minds. But you are probably too busy choking on a hoagie while dreaming of Mike and the Mad Dog or some other horseshit. Eli Manning isn’t coming back. He is busy playing with his Etch-A-Sketch or Potato Head or something. Because he is a giant idiot. A giant idiot who has multiple Super Bowl rings.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: About as good of a chance as Andrew Cuomo has of becoming president.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: If you like watching a clown die, then yea.
2020 Record: 6-10
Coach: Sentient Mars Cheese Castle Mike McCarthy
Key Additions: Keanu Neal, Malik Hooker
Key Losses: Tyrone Crawford, Cam Erving, Chidobe Azuwie
Well, fuck me right in the pussy. Here we are. The most loathsome team in the NFL. For decades, this octogenarian passion project in a scorpion fucking wasteland has been stuffed into a cannon and blasted through our television screens as if they had been relevant enough to merit their positioning. I would rather huff dried rhino semen than willingly watch this team.
On the field, it’s the same old shit. Dak Prescott probably won’t throw a single pass in the preseason and then will just start the year, having not played since his leg had an IED explode in it. Zeke Elliott will get driven into the ground. They will still have a great top end to their wide out corps in Amari Cooper and Cee Dee Lamb, but Michael Gallup and Blake Jarwin will end up leading this human sarlaac pit in receptions. The defense continues to be the “Dude, Where’s My Car” of the NFL. Only to be hate watched and done so ironically. The team has hung on their competency of the offensive linemen for years. Spoiler alert, this line has more gaping holes than an Alabama sorority during spring break. It’s been seven years since they drafted an offensive lineman in the first round. Dak Prescott’s torso is the next thing to be dislocated from his body.
Oh, and let’s not forget that they are coached by massage enthusiast and complete and total fucking rube, Mike McCarthy. If you have been watching Hard Knocks this year, you will know that this vending machine who got one wish from a genie, and that wish was to become a subpar coach, decided that the way to pump up their players would be to play clips of Austin Powers. That movie came out in 1997. Of course that would be a movie they would use. That was the last time the Cowboys were good enough to be worth a damn.
There are people who can rent a car that weren’t born the last time the Cowboys were in a Super Bowl, yet they get the same reverence of a team like the Patriots, who won championships since Bill Clinton left office.
And nowwwww let’s get to the main event. The Cowboys are owned by melted Hall of Presidents robot and high end prostitute enthusiast, Jerry Jones. The story of Jones is well known. He bought the Cowboys in the 80’s. He took a chance on hiring Jimmy Johnson as head coach. He turned the team into an institution in the early 90’s. He built a giant tribute to himself. And he did none of those things while sober. He is the shadow commissioner of the NFL which is a travesty to the NFL because they should at least put someone successful into that role. This team has all the success of the Tennessee Titans but with 8.2 million times more fan fare.
Jones is the only thing saving the Cowboys from playing on Thursday night football twice a year. When he dies, this team will spiral into irrelevancy faster than that meth addicted Pillow guy. The NFLs personal crypt keeper is going to leave a legacy someday that will somehow gloss over two and a half decades of complete and utter incompetence, both in player and coaching decisions. I sometimes wonder if Cowboys fans care that every other fan base hates them, then I remember that Dallas fans are too busy getting screwed out of their retirement by online scammers because they are too busy pretending to know what CRT is.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: Only if the pits of hell open up and swallow 31 other teams.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: No, but that won’t stop them from being shoved down our throat nationally all year.
2020 Record: 4-11-1
Coach: Nick Sirianni
Key Additions: Joe Flacco, I guess? Holy hell this team did nothing in free agency
Key Losses: Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, Jalen Mills
Remember when this team played for a tie in overtime against the Bengals last year? They legitimately do not deserve to be watched or allowed to play, ever again. I don’t care that the coach was fired. He was not fired for this. He was fired because Carson Wentz is a giant pile of interception throwing garbage. The NFL should be allowed to put a team in NFL timeout for being this institutionally shitty of a franchise for allowing themselves to play for a tie. I hope i’m not underscoring how embarrassing that is.
Also embarrassing is the fact that this team managed to put a full roster on the field every week but couldn’t win more than four games in this toxic waste dump of a division. Boise St could win five games in the NFC East. Winning this division isn’t special, but losing this division should be cause to have a giant scarlet letter posted across the entirety of your field. 100 yards that says “Giant Fucking Losers.” And, I keep menitioning this, because it deserves to be mentioned, you play for a tie against the Bengals, that 100 yards should be filled with used syringes and broken glass. You don’t deserve a pristine field. You don’t deserve to be on our televisions.
Every game the Eagles play should be shown exclusively on Myspace.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: No. Fuck this team with a baseball bat covered in rusty barbed wire.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: Who cares. Fuck ’em.