Well, damnit. I knew i’d inevitably have to do it. It’s a feeling of existential dread. I keep looking away from my computer. I keep looking for something else to do. I take the dogs for a walk. I wash some dishes. But I have to return to this computer. This sucks. This is so stupid.
I really do not want to have to write about the AFC South.
The AFC South is the sad steamed vegetable on the dinner plate. It is Creed in the era of Limp BIzkit. It is Crocs as a fashion statement. It exists to fill a void. It exists because it has to. It joylessly does it’s job and is only enjoyed by the type of people who keep TGI Fridays in business. It’s a combination of both the dumpiest and least interesting places on earth. The fact that these teams aren’t all just forced to play eachother every Wednesday morning instead of wasting anybodies weekend truly feels like a waste. Fuck it. Let’s just get into it.
2020 Record: 11-5
Coach: Frank Reich
Key Additions: Carson Wentz, Eric Fisher
Key Losses: Philip Rivers, Jacoby Brissett, Denico Autry
As a Bears fan, I lived in near constant fear for over a month that Chicago was going to sign Carson Wentz. Wentz is the guy you bring in when you have no hope and you, as a sports team, want to convey that fact to your fanbase. He is mediocrity personified with one outlier season to make you believe he can be something more. Nobody who truly roots for their team ever wants to have Carson Wentz be your QB1, because all that means moving forward is that you are going to deal with a guy who throws terrible interceptions, struggles to go downfield, and gets injured all the time. And you know what happened?
Carson Wentz is already injured. Not even game one of the preseason. Somehow, Quentin Nelson, the bulldozing offensive lineman whose job it is to keep whatever semblance of an offense moving, suffered the exact same injury. So yea, this offense is going to just be rocking and rolling to start the year.
Whatever is left of TY Hilton’s career is still around to ruin someone’s fantasy football team. Jonathon Taylor could be a legitimate every down back in the NFL but will inevitably get his carries vultured near the goal line by some undrafted free agent from Lake Wobegon Community College. Not that any of it matters. People can post their puff pieces about Carson Wentz and Colts coach Frank Reich being reunited and how great it was for Wentz’s career that he will be given the proper coaching, as if he had spent the past three years playing in some Arena Football League knockoff, being coached by some random guy whose day job it is to manage a Red Lobster.
The NFL and their coaching ranks love to pretend that they are the great key guard that will unlock the full potential of every player who had an anomaly season. The Colts think they are going to be the thing that returns quarterback Peyton Hillis to glory when, in reality they traded for Marcus Mariota with a better playoff record.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? Yes, if they trade for Nick Foles, the guy that won the Super Bowl that Carson Wentz gets credit for.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? Nope. No team that is lead by Carson Wentz is even remotely entertaining.
2020 Record: 11-5
Coach: Mike Vrabel
Key Additions: Julio Jones, Bud Dupree, Janoris Jenkins, Denico Autry
Key Losses: Adoree Jackson, Jonnu Smith
There is one team that should run away with this burnt down Dollar General of a division, and it is the football team from the bachelorette party capital of the midwest. No team in the AFC has an easier path to their division, and a first round bye. That being said, fuck this team….not the team itself. Julio Jones is a fantasy legend who I owe many celebratory drinks. Derrick Henry is a world ruiner. Their defense should be much improved this season. This team has all the parts necessary to be a legitimate contender.
But seriously, fuck Nashville. The city. An entire major city that said to itself “what if we were more like Orlando, Florida?” The town used to be filled with personality and honky tonks and just enough danger to feel like you were really doing something cool .Then every dick hole with a gold record or two decided they were going to slap their name and face onto a bar on Broadway and the life was sucked out of it.
Now the town is just a mid 20’s former frat bro with the internal monologue wondering whether he should be kicked out of Dierks Bentley’s bar or Kid Rock’s bar. The Kid Rock one is what really gets me. I used to love the Trailer Park bar. You could grab some cheap fried food, a four dollar pitcher of Natty Light or two and have yourself a fucking Tuesday afternoon. Now, everywhere you go is like you are trying to buy something off main street of White Trash Disney Land.
Shoutout to the Wild Beaver, though. I have had myself some good times, there.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? Yes, and they are shockingly kind of a value pick at 25 to 1 odds right now, according to Fan Duel. I’m definitely putting a bet on this line because I do see a contender here.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? Julio Jones opening up the passing game is always thrilling. It will be fun to see what he can do without Matt Ryan taking sacks every other play because he is afraid of being hit.
2020 Record: 4-12
Key Additions: Shaq Lawson, Marcus Cannon
Key Losses: JJ Watt, Will Fuller
Most general managers would give anything to try to build a team around JJ Watt, DeAndre Hopkins, and DeShaun Watson. Most general managers are also trained to be, you know, general managers. Jack Easterby, the current overlord of this absolute trash fire of a franchise, has no experience. And by no experience, I mean ZERO FUCKING EXPERIENCE. He was the team chaplain for the New England Patriots. Even if he had some ceremonial title that he was promoted to in New England, he didn’t do any actual work. He showed up in Houston, won over their big dumb trustfund baby owner, and then proceeded to scrub the team of anything that wasn’t godly.
It should go without saying that football is a godless sport. There is no room for it. These are some of the most gifted human beings physically going out and trying to kill eachother. Men actively shortening their lives and making their post football living careers as painful as possible so that, for 17 Sundays a year, they can go out and play football. There is no room for wholesomeness. There is no room for any of that.
Houston went the godly way, and in doing so, made their team completely incompetent. They got rid of their best players. They hired David Culley from the Ravens to be the head coach. Last year, he was the passing game coordinator for Baltimore. Last year, Baltimore was not a top 10 passing offense last year. They were not a top 20 passing offense last year. They were not a top 30!!! passing offense last year. They finished last. Dead. Fucking. Last. in passing yards last season. The Broncos had more passing yards and they had to start a wide receiver at quarterback once last year. But I bet Culley is good at scripture or whatever, so he in charge.
It goes without saying that they botched the DeShaun Watson situation harder than I botched dating in my teens. They could have traded Watson, gotten some first round picks, and really jump started their rebuild. Instead they asked for a kings ransom that nobody had any plans on matching, and Watson turned out to have a fetish towards sexually assaulting masseuses, and now is the 4th string quarterback on a roster that has no talent.
It is actually going to be amusing when Watson shows up every week to wear a track suit on the sidelines while Tyrod Taylor throws three yard check down passes all season. Elsewhere, the running back corps is a regular circle jerk of guys who haven’t been good in two years. Mark Ingram, the only person who played for the Ravens last year who DIDN’T get 1000 rushing yards is there. Perpetually gritty runner Philip Lindsey is on the team. David Johnson is still on the team, still cashing paychecks for that one good season he had five years ago. Rex Burkhead is on his final post-Patriots stop in the NFL before being cast off to play in the XFL. The wide receiver depth chart is “sand paper on your cock” rough. Heroically underperforming Brandin Cooks is their number one receiver. Who is the number two? The contenders are Chris Conley, who the Jaguars of all people thought was expendable. Keke Coutee is still there to fill in on your fantasy team for a week because you didn’t prepare your bye weeks properly. Also in contention is Anthony Miller, who the Bears traded up to draft, and then a couple years later traded for a sack of used Olympic village condoms.
The defense is whatever. The entire team is whatever. Nobody with any common sense will watch this team. The fact that I have to even write about them is soul crushing.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? No. Just. No.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? Oh yea, remove all of your best players and then put Tyrod Taylor in as your starting quarterback. Thats a real recipe for fun.
2020 Record: 1-15
Coach: Urban Meyer
Key Additions: Roy Robertson-Harris, Shaq Griffin, Rayshawn Jenkins
Key Losses: Joe Schobert
Note; I wrote this before Tim Tebow was cut on Wednesday and am just too lazy to do a rewrite.
This team is an absolute fucking joke. They brought a con artist coach from college into the NFL, bringing him out of his “sabbatical” to run a pro franchise for the fist time. The first thing he did was bring in a strength coach that was fired from the University of Iowa for being a racist. He genuinely thought he could pull that bush league shit in the NFL. This team deserves to go 1-15 forever. Then, they brought in recently retired Mets minor leaguer and noted mediocre football player Tim Tebow to be their
quarterback tight end. Tebow is 34. As a player on the Jaguars, you should be angry and embarrassed that the team you play for is using a roster spot for this idiot and your idiot coach he thinks this is a good idea in the first place.
The clown car that this team exists in the trunk of is careening off the road. Sane football fandom hopes Meyer and Tebow pull a full Thelma and Louise situation. No football fan base deserves this level of incompetence. Let me rephrase that. Most football fan bases don’t deserve that. Jacksonville is an exception. The town and it’s swamp people population exists exclusively to make Orlando look classy. This is an entire city of people that never got over Fuddruckers and Ponderosa Steak House going out of business. Every one of their fans screaming DUVALLLL can go ahead and lick MY BALLLLLLLSSS.
I can’t wait for this team to fuck off to London and then stay so bad that they will be forced to run games in the states at 7 am every day. They will be the drunken hangover team. They will be the team you half pay attention to while eating breakfast. You can wake up on Sunday morning. see the Jaguars down 14 points already, and go grocery shopping before actual footbal starts.
Trevor Lawerence might end up being a generational quarterback, but because he was drafted by the Jaguars, he is just as likely to accidentally fall into a tar pit, which wil be fine for literally everyone in that backwater hooverville, because that means they can go back to having Minshewmania, which is really just an excuse for them to drink corn squeezin’s in a black top parking lot at 9 am. Now, they do that anyway, but there will be a quarterback they can truly enjoy playing that day. Lawerence will bolt the moment he can hit free agency.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? Bringing Tim Tebow into camp is proof that they have no chance and aren’t even trying to.
Will They At Least be Entertaining?
Tomorrow: The AFC West
Click for AFC North