The AFC East is like a recent divorcee. The division only knows one person ruling it for a couple decades, and is now lost in the wilderness with a series of people you have to learn to trust in charge. But it’s also new and exciting because everyone hated the one person in charge for the past two decades. The fans of the hated person on top got too full of themselves. They began to think that having a great team was a right, not a privilege. It should go without saying that I hate both the Patriots and their fans.
Now, as the Patriots get decommissioned like an old cargo liner that will be sunk to create a barrier reef, the Bills and Dolphins emerge as the new contenders for the mantle at the top of the division. The Jets continue to be the puss filled abscess infecting the butt cheek of this division. Josh Allen got a quarter of a billion dollars to pretend to still like the city of Buffalo, or any other city that the Bills end up in. We got another Alabama quarterback destined to fail. We have lost dear, dear friend of the site, Adam Gase. But we soldier on. Welcome to the Fancy Boys Club Season Preview of the AFC East.
2020 Record: 13-3
Coach: Sean McDermott
Key Additions: Mitch “Kissing Titties” Trubisky
Key Losses: John Brown, Corey Bojorquez
After years of throwing themselves through tables out of sadness, the Bills finally have a team worth throwing themselves through tables out of joy. In the dying days of the Patriots dynasty, the Bills quiety started building out the team the old fashioned way: from the inside out. In doing so, they have built an offensive line that will keep their new quarter billion dollar quarterback, Josh Allen, upright. The defense is just good enough to not harpoon the team, and has paid handsomely to keep this 13 win team from last season intact.
In 2021, the scheduling gods have looked down on this team and their chicken wing sauce slathered fans and smiled. They have the 23rd most difficult schedule in the NFL this year. That’s what happens when you get to play the Jets twice a season. The Jets are the midseason version of a practice squad scrimmage to most of the league. The upside for the Bills is, so are the Patriots, now.
The Bills hit their stride at a perfect time, as the Patriots have faded back into the middle of the road nothings they deserve to be, and their only main threat in the division is the Miami Dolphins, who just let their most competent quarterback on the roster leave in free agency. The Bills could have this division locked by up Halloween.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? Very Much so. Thanks to the fact that they should be well rested going into the playoffs, and the entire AFC South is a landfill filled with old diapers, the Bills just need to survive the Chiefs and the AFC North to get to the big show. They currently have the fourth lowest odds to win the Super Bowl, at 13 to 1. With the Super Bowl in Los Angeles this year, there is a really specific thrill for me in the thought of the Buffalo fan base descending on that polished turd of a city and breaking tables on top of Dom Deluise’s Holywood Walk of Fame star.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? I’m inclined to believe that any team that has Josh Allen chucking it to Stefon Diggs every week is going to be pretty damn entertaining.
2020 Record: 10-6
Coach: Brian Flores
Key Additions: Jacoby Brissett, Will Fuller
Key Losses: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Kyle Van Noy, Shaq Lawson, Ereck Flowers
In case you didn’t catch the news last week, their best player, cornerback Xavien Howard, tried to force a trade before being given a bunch of incentives to stay for another year. The team won ten games last year and are already dealing with their best player trying to get off the life boat to go along with a Covid outbreak around the team, including Adam Shaheen, a player who refused to wear a mask and then unironically caught the virus, which is coincidentally the only thing he’s bought in years. Shaheen is the best actual representation of the state of Florida, which means that he should also be sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
Their quarterback is human pool noodle Tua Tagovailoa, who showed all the arm strength last season of a drunken rec league softball pitcher. The University of Alabama has produced only one quarterback that was any good, Joe Namath. And he fucking sucked. If Namath was playing in the modern game he’d be the third string qb on the Detroit Lions.
The Dolphins drafted prolific wide receiver Jaylen Waddle in the first round of the draft. He will have to go on injured reserve by week nine, when a drunk alligator eats his leg. Joining him is free agent signing and currently suspended Will Fuller. While he was able to escape the godless hell that is the Houston Texans, he will inevitably break his everything five weeks into the season. The team’s only saving grace is that they may have gotten the only non-rotten apple to fall of the Belichick coaching tree, Brian Flores. That sad, leaking sewage leak of a coaching graduate program that produced such stars as…..well, everyone remember how fat Charlie Weis was? That was always entertaining. Anyway, Flores has to deal with 10 million percent humidity in a stadium filled exclusively with people who were somehow too classy to be Jaguars fans, but still not classy enough to be seen in Miami proper without getting the cops called on them for vagrancy
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? Oh christ, no. This team should be the clubhouse leader to come cratering back down to earth after a double digit win season last year. Jacoby Brissett doesn’t have the magical five game cache before turning back into a pumpkin that Ryan Fitzpatrick does have.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? No, but I guess we will always have the Miami Miracle.
New England Patriots
2020 Record: 7-9
Coach: Emperor Palpatine
Key Additions: Nelson Agholor, Matt Judon, Trent Brown, Kyle Van Noy, Jonnu Smith, Hunter Henry, Jalen Mills
Key Losses: Joe Thuney
For two decades, the evil empire lorded over the AFC with a level of cold, calculated decision making that came to identify them. Then they decided to tell Tom Brady to fuck off and he immediately won a Super Bowl while Patriots fans spent the entire season trying to pretend Jarrett Stidham was even a baseline competent quarterback. They won seven games last year with whatever was left of Cam Newton at quarterback, and two of those wins were against the Jets, which should not count.
And so naturally, instead of staying the course and doing what made them successful for so long, then went and decided to act like they were the Raiders and just tried to sign everyone in sight.
While bringing in someone like Trent Brown is justified, bringing in all three games that Hunter Henry will play before his glass body shatters for the everyith year in a row at 12.5 million per year is not justified. Did they just completely forget that they had also signed Jonnu Smith in the offseason, or did Belichick pull a old tv sitcom trope of asking out two different girls on the same night, then try to make it work? They also managed to look at Nelson Agholor’s aberration of a 2020 season, and threw a bunch of money at him so that Cam Newton could underthrow a bunch of passes that Agholor would drop, anyway.
Then they went and drafted noted rube Mac Jones. In an NFL where veteran quarterback salaries aren’t 25% of an entire salary cap and the best way to get good and fast is to have a QB on a rookie deal, Mac Jones is a 4th or 5th round draft pick. But since thems the rules, the Patriots drafted football Eddie Haskell at 15 and are going to pray that he becomes the first Alabama QB worth a damn. Between the NFC and AFC East, 37.5% of the teams are trying to make Alabama work. Alabama quarterbacks are fetch. Quite trying to make Alabama quarterbacks happen. Nick Saban doesn’t exist to make NFL quarterbacks. He only cares about shaking down the state of Alabama for so much money he can buy the entire bama side of the Floribama shore so he can park is gold plated yacht there.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? That window came crashing shut directly on to Robert Krafts dick. Not sure why that championship window was located in an asian massage parlor, but it is what it is.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? No, not even for fantasy purposes. This is a team whose modus operandi is to win every game 9-7.
New York Jets
2020 Record: 2-14
Adam Gase Robert Salleh
Key Additions: Morgan Moses, Corey Davis, Jarrad Davis, Carl Lawson
Key Losses: Sam Darnold
I’d like to take a moment to commemorate the Adam Gase era in New York. He was truly the last shining star of awful. The move over the past few years has been to bring in the hot college coaching candidate to be head coach. There might never be a guy who parlayed six good games out of Josh McCown into two coaching jobs ever again. He was a guy who showed he was incompetent in Miami, and this woebegone franchise thought to themselves “yea, he will turn it around.” He was so bad at his job that he managed to cost the Jets the number one pick in the draft in spite of themselves, leaving them to settle with Zach Wilson, who has some intangibles to be a great quarterback, but the sheer fact that he exists now as a Jet means it is an almost calculated certainty that he is going to get polio seven games into his rookie year, and the New York Post will say that he doesn’t have the toughness to be a New York quarterback. The only person who was ever tough enough to be a New York quarterback was Eli Manning, and that was because he didn’t have two brain cells to rub together. Adam Gase was just bad enough to get this team out of a position to draft a potentially generational quarterback in Trevor Lawerence. His sheer voracity for bus tossing anything and anyone caused him to bus toss the team on the way out the door, leaving them to be the bridesmaids in the draft and life.
Rip in Power, King.
This current iteration of the Jets are now coached by Robert Saleh, who was good enough to win an NFC title as the defensive coordinator, only to have his soul ripped out of his body by Patrick Mahomes. Now he comes to a team that is almost completely bereft of talent. Part of what made Saleh look so good was that the 49ers had a great running game that ate clock and kept his defense fresh. The Jets are coming off a season when their best running back was 56 year old Frank Gore. Gore is gone now, leaving the team with a stack of balsa wood named Tevin Coleman, a create-a-player named Ty Johnson, and whatever La’Mical Perine thinks he is. Michael Carter will probably end up winning the starting job after seven weeks, and ruin tons of people’s fantasy team when he only averages 2.5 yards per rush attempt. But i’m sure it will be a gritty 2.5 yards.
Do They Have a Chance to Win a Super Bowl? It is infinitely more likely that I will meet, fall in love with, and impregnate Paris Hilton than it is for the Jets to win the Super Bowl this year.
Will They At Least be Entertaining? I really goddamn doubt it. The Adam Gase stink takes a long time to come off.