Some of you are goddamn idiots. Some of you have always been dumb. For some, the stresses of work in this current environment have made you dumb. For others, the monotony of the quarantine have made you dumb.
One thing IS for sure, though…social media has made some of you unequivocally, irredeemably dumb.
Continue reading “Some Of You Are Goddamn Idiots: An Ongoing Series”
According to court documents, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her husband of 33 years, Todd, finalized their divorce earlier this spring. Todd initially filed for divorce last year, on his birthday, which is a pretty baller move all things considered. At the end of last year, Sarah admitted that they were going to counseling in an effort to revitalize their marriage. The couple raised five maverick children together after eloping after meeting in high school.
We at Fancy Boys Club wish Todd the best of luck in his gentlemanly pursuits of shooting at endangered animals out of helicopters and snow mobiles.
But that’s not why we are here. Sarah Palin, even at 56, can still get it! She is due for a real “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment. Just because she made Dan Quayle look like Neil Degrasse Tyson, doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have herself a sexual awakening. And as free spirits here at FBC, we are here to help Sarah find herself some lovin’.
Here are the potential future lovers of Sarah Palin, ranked…
Continue reading “Sarah Palin’s Potential Future Lovers, Ranked”
We got cheese! We got frozen foods! Today is so good there is no room for introductions, especially since I absolutely forgot to write one. Let’s get to rounds 5 and 6!
5.Cheese Product
Michael Grace-Block of Jalapeño Havarti
I bought a block of cheese at the Aldi on Pulaski just north of Fullerton back in the fall of 2012 and honest to God it opened my eyes to what inexpensive, gourmet cheeses could be. It was soft, as a proper havarti should be, but with a full-body assault on the senses from jalapenos. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t jalapeno flavoring like when a chip is marketed as such but it really just tastes like old banana peppers. This cheese has depth, substance, and pairs well with crackers ranging from Premium Saltines to Ritz to those snowflake-shaped ones with the little wheat bits in them. Normally, a flavor so obtuse and vulgar as this cheese would not pair as well as this does, but the marriage of havarti and jalapenos is one that will endure long after you or I have left this carnal plane.
Twenty Three years ago, Beavis and Butthead, the show about two teenage slackers putting little attempt into being a part of society outside of their own couch, went off the air. In the ensuing two decades, the characters ostensibly never got smarter, but the country they exist in definitely did. Now, Mike Judge, the man who created the quintessential losers and would go on to create King of the Hill, Idiocracy, and Silicon Valley, is back to put the erstwhile duo into the present day. AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON!
Continue reading “Beavis and Butthead Is Back to Save Us All”
A lot has changed in our world over the past year. It seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. The country is on the verge of falling apart. Arizona, Florida, and Texas are getting exactly what they deserve for not believing in Science. An election that could tear us apart is on the horizon. Every sport’s short term future is threatened. But one thing hasn’t changed. A sports moment that brings everyone together in a moment of joy.
July 1st is, of course, the day that the New York Mets have to pay Bobby Bonilla a million dollars.
Continue reading “Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!”
When Coronavirus shut the world down, it also shut down the NFL rumor mill a bit. Free agency was all but over, already. The quarterback carousel had spun and there were some winners (Jameis Winston getting to chase a ring in New Orleans) and some losers (the Bears thinking Nick Foles is anything but an older, less mobile Mitch Trubisky). Everyone had pretty well set themselves and were preparing for the relative quiet before the storm of the NFL Draft, mini camps, training camps, and the NFL season.
Continue reading “The Long Slow Dance Is Over: Cam Newton is a Patriot”
So, it’s finally come to this. First, Covid-19 came for us. Then, it came for our businesses. Now, it’s coming for our right to get menacingly drunk on our flights to Tallahassee.
A host of airlines have made the decision in light of social distancing measures to limit and/or ban alcohol on their domestic flights. This, of course, is absolute hell to people such as myself who are 6’4 and need alcohol to fit themselves into coach and have the patience to not punch the pant load in front of them who decided to lean their chair back as far as possible while they jam Cheez It’s into their fat gullet while their asshole kids sit quietly, knowing that their only opportunity at Cheez It’s will be if their bastard father falls asleep.
So far, American Airlines and Delta have gotten rid of drink service domestically, while foreign carriers such as Virgin Air and British Airways have also axed their alcohol service in the short term. While some will continue serving food and drink to the lucky ones who sit in first class, everyone else will be subjected to no alcohol, expired corned hash, and crackers, all of which will be thrown at them from a safe distance, most likely through a moderately powered t shirt cannon.
While this could all be temporary and things might return to normal soon, it might be time to start to consider that this is just another step that the airlines are making to turn their planes into combat style thunder domes at 30k feet. The seats are too small? All part of their plan. Broken everything on the planes? Even better. No alcohol to loosen people up? Alcohol carts have been replaced by swords and tridents.
FIRST RULE OF FLYING FRONTIER AIRLINES IS YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FRONTIER AIRLINES!!!
In these trying times, we don’t need less alcohol. We need more. Mile High Prohibition is the path towards perdition. Nothing good happened to this country during Prohibition. Crime was up. Murder rates were up. Mobs ran everything. Baseball was still just fat white guys. The television was still decades from being invented. Betty White was born two years into prohibition, and would not gain popularity until way after it was repealed.
If nothing else, this brings us one step closer to the traveler’s manifest destiny: BYOB Airlines. That’s right. Anything you buy at the Duty Free Store is absolutely fair game. And Duty Free Stores can sell beer, too. Turn airplanes into a TGI Fridays in the sky. Save money on flight attendants by replacing them with blenders and margarita machines.
During times of trouble is when people are at their best. Do the right thing, Delta. OPEN. FUCKING. BAR. IN THE SKY.
ESPN has made their mark over the last decade by making sports documentaries that tell fantastic stories, often going deeper than fans could ever expect. The bar was set even higher this spring when The Last Dance was released. The epic 10 part series was “must watch” viewing for sports fans and became event television, with the conversations happening on Twitter bringing the documentary to another level. During The Last Dance, ESPN announced that they had more documentaries coming out. Expectations were extremely high for Long Gone Summer, the documentary that would go in about the epic 1998 Home Run chase between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. And then the documentary was released on Sunday…and it sucked ferociously.
Continue reading “Long Gone Summer Was Truly, Truly Awful”
With everything going on in the world, entertainment is even more of an escape than normal. That could be why I just didn’t enjoy The King of Staten Island. It felt a little too real and cut a little too deep to be an escape. Also, Pete Davidson plays one of the more unlikable people to be a protagonist in a movie in a long time. He is kind of a benign, stoner version of Adam Sandler’s character in Uncut Gems. At the end of Uncut Gems, though, Sandler felt the repercussions of his hubris. Davidson just kind of keeps floating on.
Continue reading “I Really Wanted to Like The King of Staten Island”
Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!
Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin
As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up.
I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant.
Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.
Fancy Boys Club 