Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

So, it’s finally come to this. First, Covid-19 came for us. Then, it came for our businesses. Now, it’s coming for our right to get menacingly drunk on our flights to Tallahassee.

A host of airlines have made the decision in light of social distancing measures to limit and/or ban alcohol on their domestic flights. This, of course, is absolute hell to people such as myself who are 6’4 and need alcohol to fit themselves into coach and have the patience to not punch the pant load in front of them who decided to lean their chair back as far as possible while they jam Cheez It’s into their fat gullet while their asshole kids sit quietly, knowing that their only opportunity at Cheez It’s will be if their bastard father falls asleep.

So far, American Airlines and Delta have gotten rid of drink service domestically, while foreign carriers such as Virgin Air and British Airways have also axed their alcohol service in the short term. While some will continue serving food and drink to the lucky ones who sit in first class, everyone else will be subjected to no alcohol, expired corned hash, and crackers, all of which will be thrown at them from a safe distance, most likely through a moderately powered t shirt cannon.

While this could all be temporary and things might return to normal soon, it might be time to start to consider that this is just another step that the airlines are making to turn their planes into combat style thunder domes at 30k feet. The seats are too small? All part of their plan. Broken everything on the planes? Even better. No alcohol to loosen people up? Alcohol carts have been replaced by swords and tridents.

FIRST RULE OF FLYING FRONTIER AIRLINES IS YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FRONTIER AIRLINES!!!

In these trying times, we don’t need less alcohol. We need more. Mile High Prohibition is the path towards perdition. Nothing good happened to this country during Prohibition. Crime was up. Murder rates were up. Mobs ran everything. Baseball was still just fat white guys. The television was still decades from being invented. Betty White was born two years into prohibition, and would not gain popularity until way after it was repealed.

If nothing else, this brings us one step closer to the traveler’s manifest destiny: BYOB Airlines. That’s right. Anything you buy at the Duty Free Store is absolutely fair game. And Duty Free Stores can sell beer, too. Turn airplanes into a TGI Fridays in the sky. Save money on flight attendants by replacing them with blenders and margarita machines.

During times of trouble is when people are at their best. Do the right thing, Delta. OPEN. FUCKING. BAR. IN THE SKY.

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