When news broke yesterday that billionaire weirdo Elon Musk had purchased Twitter, the social media site became abuzz with theories. Is this simply a way for Musk to add to his pile of expensive toys? Or was this a way for Musk to allow people like Donald Trump to rejoin the platform (which might be the only way for him to, legitimately, win back the presidency in 2024)?
The truth is much more weird, as the truth usually is.
Hey kids, remember a couple years back when the XFL had their inaugural season derailed by the pandemic (allegedly) and then the whole league disappeared like a fart in the wind?
Good times.
Well, we here at Fancy Boys Club HQ feel as if by writing about the XFL, were an integral part of the league taking a swan dive right into an empty swimming pool. Now we are out to do it again.
Welcome to the USFL Report.
The USFL? Now hold on just a second there fella, wasn’t that the league that Donald Trump was a part of and didn’t it, like a vast majority of his enterprises, go into the crapper? And was it about 40 years ago, too? Yep. They had three seasons from 1983-1985. For the 1986 season “they” planned on moving the league from the summer to compete directly with the NFL. None of us are privy to any audio of their board of directors meeting before the 1986 season, but I think the conversation probably went like this: Owner A: Let’s not play in the summer anymore. Too hot. Owner B: Spring? Owner A: No, fall. Owner C: So you want to compete directly with the NFL? Owner A: Yes. Owner B: I’m out. Owner C: Out. Owner D: Out.
Owners E, F, G and H in a tenor-style chorus: OUT!
And BTW, Owner A was New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump.
Right after this alleged meeting of which we have no audio, the USFL folded faster than a Japanese kid doing origami.
The Birmingham Stallions looks like a bad marriage between the Denver Broncos and the Florida State Seminoles
Now, the USFL is back baby with a new range of fat cats ready to bankroll the new USFL and probably take the tax write-off they have been dreaming about. Not only has the USFL has a Phoenix-like rise (without fighting for water rights just to create a city way too large to exist in a desert), but they have also taken the original names of the franchises.
There are eight teams in two divisions: The New Jersey Generals, Birmingham Stallions; Houston Gamblers; Michigan Panthers; Philadelphia Stars; New Orleans Breakers; Tampa Bay Bandits; and the Pittsburgh Maulers.
Before we get to the team evaluation portion, let’s look at some of the unique rules the USFL will be playing under.
Opening Day – FINALLY – is upon us. The MLB and MLBPA did their darndest over the winter to dangle us like stale cotton candy stuck on a wad of freshly chawed chew to delay Opening Day via what seemed to be endless negotiations, but they merely delayed it by a week. Spring training was shortened so we may see some crazy-ass baseball for a few weeks, but it ought to be fun.
It will be full regardless how much the Cubs will suck and they will suck. Photo courtesy of me – yeah I shot it.
I took a swing at the teams and thought about writing a prediction – who will suck, who won’t, who will make the playoffs despite their roster or manager or owner – but said to myself, “no, let’s not do that. Let’s talk about the MLB farm system. – the other 98%,” Personnel volume-wise, it is not 98%, but by player salaries it has to be close. The baseball farm system, in case you do not know, is a place where you get what you want to make everything better for yourself on the cheap. This is also known as MLB owners collectively stating, “we’re going to drag your sorry asses all over the place via bus just for you to get a chance to get to The Show.”
The MLB, Major League Baseball for those who do not know, has consolidated their minor league ranks into the MiLB, or “Minor League Baseball.” The reason why they consolidated is the reason why owners of teams do everything, to save some money. Yeah, you’ll still see minor leagues unaffiliated with MLB, but those players are seriously toast. They are done, have been done for a few seasons, and are just there to tip their hat, strike out or throw a hammy, then limp back to the dugout. That’s more of a sideshow circus than baseball IMO, but people still go to see it. The Schaumburg Boomers, part of the Frontier League which I believe is an MLB “Partner” league (AKA you don’t really exist in their eyes, but it is baseball so whatever now pay us), would be one of those teams.
For the most part, the 94th Academy Awards ceremony, things went the way the Oscars normally go, To my pleasant surprise, the three-pronged attack of hosts Amy Schumer, Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes worked really well, with the telecast allowing them to shine as a group but also as individuals. CODA won the three awards it was nominated for, which is a big deal when you understand that those three awards were Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay and Best Picture. There were moving speeches and celebrations of films that made a lot of sense (the 50th anniversary of The Godfather) and significantly less sense (the 28th anniversary of Pulp Fiction). There was a star-studded version of Encanto‘s “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” that was, at best, confusing. There were laughs and tears and too much cheese and shrimp consumed by one particular person watching from home. It was a typical Oscars night, and considering I think of the ceremony the way people think of the Super Bowl, that was a good thing.
Well, we’ve done it. I’ve given you predictions for screenplay, acting, and literally every other category. It’s time for the two biggies. Let’s not waste any more of the internet and just dive in.
One of the things I have heard from nerds is that superhero movies get widely overlooked when it comes time to awards season. And my response to them is usually, “Shut up.”
So, I’ve been predicting the nomination, and I’ve been feeling strangely good about my picks, which is almost a guarantee that I’m going to crash and burn Sunday night. But, while I have given my predictions for what I thought would win and be nominated, I haven’t said what my personal nominees would have been had the Oscars been left up to me, which seems like a pretty great idea, now that I think about it.
So, here is what I would have nominated. Leaving out a few categories out (International Feature, all shorts, Best Documentary) because I don’t feel like I’ve seen enough to make a well-educated group of nominees.
Last year’s Oscars ceremony was such a spectacular blunder, if you tried to make a movie out of it, no studio would release it because of how unbelievable it was. And there was no better example of that than the trainwreck that was how the ceremony ended.
We’ve knocked down the acting and writing categories. We’ll do Best Director and Best Picture later this week. But let’s do ALL OF THE OTHER CATEGORIES right now! Let’s party!
Fancy Boys Club 