Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

A lot has changed in our world over the past year. It seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. The country is on the verge of falling apart. Arizona, Florida, and Texas are getting exactly what they deserve for not believing in Science. An election that could tear us apart is on the horizon. Every sport’s short term future is threatened. But one thing hasn’t changed. A sports moment that brings everyone together in a moment of joy.

July 1st is, of course, the day that the New York Mets have to pay Bobby Bonilla a million dollars.

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The Long Slow Dance Is Over: Cam Newton is a Patriot

The Long Slow Dance Is Over: Cam Newton is a Patriot

When Coronavirus shut the world down, it also shut down the NFL rumor mill a bit. Free agency was all but over, already. The quarterback carousel had spun and there were some winners (Jameis Winston getting to chase a ring in New Orleans) and some losers (the Bears thinking Nick Foles is anything but an older, less mobile Mitch Trubisky). Everyone had pretty well set themselves and were preparing for the relative quiet before the storm of the NFL Draft, mini camps, training camps, and the NFL season.

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Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes

Election 2020: Learn From Your Mistakes

By any metric, these last few weeks have been bad for the Trump presidency.

Over the weekend, President Trump attempted to get back on the campaign trail with a stop in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and it was poorly-attended. Twice in three days, members of the administration have had to find ways to justify the President’s use of the term “kung flu” to describe the coronavirus, which is still around despite what some GOP governors may have been telling you. The lone victories in the past ten days or so came from the President bragging that he was successfully able to walk down a ramp (on twitter) and drink a glass of water with one hand (in Tulsa). This kind of seems like the bar for presidential excellence is being set a tad low.

And yet, if I had to wager my last $100 on who would win the election in November, I would bet that Donald Trump would be re- elected.

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part Two

Let’s call this part the final part, The Closer: The National League.

Part One, The Starter, I delved into a bit of history regarding our ballyhooed National Anthem as well as provided somewhat cogent thoughts on what songs could replace the National Anthem for each American League city. Part Two, The Closer, we will hit the National League cities, but first a few questions:

Why the fuck are we playing the National Anthem at all? What patriotism comprises the beginning of a ballgame? Should we play a game before we battle another country? Is that what we should be doing now? Send our troops over to a foreign country and force them to play an American game before war games commence?

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part One

Let’s call Part One – First Starter: The American League

Is there a more perfect time to make a change in how you start a ballgame than now? It’s a question posited by fellow Fancy Boy Jake Breunig and frankly a damn good one.

Now Jake wrote a fabulous article about abolishing the National Anthem this past August. I will defer to him his over-arching replacement choice(s) and instead give each city their just due. However, let’s first take a look at our National Anthem. What we sing is not the entire song. Why? Well it’s what one could call a little shitty toward ‘freemen’ AKA ‘slaves who were freed yet still being treated like shit on both sides.’ As with every war involving America, only the poor and minorities are asked/told to pick up a rifle. During the War of 1812 (when Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that became a song… and later the anthem), freemen were not only ‘enlisted’ to fight for the American side, but the British took a lot of them and “allowed them to fight against their oppressors” which is code for “hello good dark chap, take this rifle and hustle up to the front lines and sacrifice yourself for our cause.”

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The things that didn’t make John Bolton’s new book

The things that didn’t make John Bolton’s new book

Former national security advisor John Bolton and his boss as fuck mustache are back in the news now that his book, The Room Where It Happened, is getting close to being published. Bolton, who refused to testify in the House impeachment proceedings and was blocked by senate republicans from testifying, has been attacked by President Trump by allegedly revealing classified information as well as just spilling some fun tea, like revealing that the most powerful man in the world believed Finland was part of Russia.

What people don’t know is that it was much worse.

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Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

Airlines Are Discontinuing Drink Service and There is no God

So, it’s finally come to this. First, Covid-19 came for us. Then, it came for our businesses. Now, it’s coming for our right to get menacingly drunk on our flights to Tallahassee.

A host of airlines have made the decision in light of social distancing measures to limit and/or ban alcohol on their domestic flights. This, of course, is absolute hell to people such as myself who are 6’4 and need alcohol to fit themselves into coach and have the patience to not punch the pant load in front of them who decided to lean their chair back as far as possible while they jam Cheez It’s into their fat gullet while their asshole kids sit quietly, knowing that their only opportunity at Cheez It’s will be if their bastard father falls asleep.

So far, American Airlines and Delta have gotten rid of drink service domestically, while foreign carriers such as Virgin Air and British Airways have also axed their alcohol service in the short term. While some will continue serving food and drink to the lucky ones who sit in first class, everyone else will be subjected to no alcohol, expired corned hash, and crackers, all of which will be thrown at them from a safe distance, most likely through a moderately powered t shirt cannon.

While this could all be temporary and things might return to normal soon, it might be time to start to consider that this is just another step that the airlines are making to turn their planes into combat style thunder domes at 30k feet. The seats are too small? All part of their plan. Broken everything on the planes? Even better. No alcohol to loosen people up? Alcohol carts have been replaced by swords and tridents.

FIRST RULE OF FLYING FRONTIER AIRLINES IS YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FRONTIER AIRLINES!!!

In these trying times, we don’t need less alcohol. We need more. Mile High Prohibition is the path towards perdition. Nothing good happened to this country during Prohibition. Crime was up. Murder rates were up. Mobs ran everything. Baseball was still just fat white guys. The television was still decades from being invented. Betty White was born two years into prohibition, and would not gain popularity until way after it was repealed.

If nothing else, this brings us one step closer to the traveler’s manifest destiny: BYOB Airlines. That’s right. Anything you buy at the Duty Free Store is absolutely fair game. And Duty Free Stores can sell beer, too. Turn airplanes into a TGI Fridays in the sky. Save money on flight attendants by replacing them with blenders and margarita machines.

During times of trouble is when people are at their best. Do the right thing, Delta. OPEN. FUCKING. BAR. IN THE SKY.

Long Gone Summer Was Truly, Truly Awful

Long Gone Summer Was Truly, Truly Awful

ESPN has made their mark over the last decade by making sports documentaries that tell fantastic stories, often going deeper than fans could ever expect. The bar was set even higher this spring when The Last Dance was released. The epic 10 part series was “must watch” viewing for sports fans and became event television, with the conversations happening on Twitter bringing the documentary to another level. During The Last Dance, ESPN announced that they had more documentaries coming out. Expectations were extremely high for Long Gone Summer, the documentary that would go in about the epic 1998 Home Run chase between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. And then the documentary was released on Sunday…and it sucked ferociously.

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I Really Wanted to Like The King of Staten Island

I Really Wanted to Like The King of Staten Island

With everything going on in the world, entertainment is even more of an escape than normal. That could be why I just didn’t enjoy The King of Staten Island. It felt a little too real and cut a little too deep to be an escape. Also, Pete Davidson plays one of the more unlikable people to be a protagonist in a movie in a long time. He is kind of a benign, stoner version of Adam Sandler’s character in Uncut Gems. At the end of Uncut Gems, though, Sandler felt the repercussions of his hubris. Davidson just kind of keeps floating on.

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Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!

Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin

As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up.
I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant.
Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.

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