What Alaska lacks is certainly not scenery. You can’t swing an Ulu knife around your head without seeing some sort of spectacular scenery. What it needs is direction, as in signage.
Sign Issue #1 – Directional Signage
Anchorage AK (pronounced by locals as “InkRidge”) is effectively Rockford IL (pronounced by locals as “Rockford”). Rockford has its special places, but so does Anchorage. However, Rockford has highways that actually connect to one another without the ‘aid’ of stoplights and has signage announcing said departure from one highway to another. Anchorage? A single highway rolls into another single highway, both running north-south. Does it make sense? Well, no. AK 1 aka “The Seward Highway” runs from Seward north to Anchorage. It goes from a two-lane 55 MPH road (it’s a coastal highway in an area where earthquakes are a given so this makes sense) to a 6-lane 65 MPH highway to a 4-lane “highway” with stoplights. The “C-word” (they do pronounce it Sue-word but I was calling it C-word because I’m a self-entertaining idiot) then runs its course by veering west to the Glenn Highway. There’s a sign indicating the Glenn Highway is coming up but it’s just labeled as “Glenn Highway” not “Glenn Highway next right” – which it wouldn’t be the next one – or “Glenn Highway exit 6th Avenue” – which in Anchorage it is 6th Avenue, then turns into the Glenn Highway once north of Anchorage. Does this make any sense? No.
Are you a Bears fan? Hell yea, life is a never ending school bus crash! The driver? The quarterback position. The passengers? The souls of us fans! It’s that bleak, and it’s not getting better! Let’s get to the power rankings!
Set fire to the infinite. We are destined to have a season where 20 teams finish 9-8 or 8-9. It’s not the future we want. But it’s the future we will get. Let’s do the week three power rankings.
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 touchdown passes this season, and Rob Gronkowski is on pace for 34 of them. I’m not saying this will happen, but i’ve given up on the concept of believing it might not happen with this goddamn warlock and his forever frat bro tight end.
Let me start by first saying the obvious: Fuck Cancer. Let me continue by saying something else that is obvious: Norm Macdonald was one of the best, smartest, and most loved comedians that ever lived. The way he told jokes put him in a class all of his own. He never seemed to care about the trends of comedy. He never mattered much for kissing the ring of the latest sensation in stand up. For nearly five decades, he just went out and was quintessentially Norm Macdonald, a character nobody else could possibly play.
Everything is stupid. The NFL sucks. It’s an evil bitch goddess. God I missed it. Let’s do the week 2 power rankings!
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If you are a fan of any other team in the NFC, Thursday was a truly depressing night. I mean, it doesn’t hurt that the Cowboys actively forgot that you could run the ball, but the Bucs were still game for a boxing match. The NFC still goes through that dumpy swap town.
If your social media is anything like mine, the last half week has been filled with people angry at President Biden’s announced vaccine mandate. To summarize in case you haven’t picked up the internet: if your business has over 100 employees, they all have to be vaccinated or tested weekly or your business could suffer financial penalties.
“Tyranny,” some have cried out. “This is pure madness by a government gone wrong!” Granted, most of those people have been big gaping sacks of dumb, but they have a voice and we should consider what they’re saying. After all, we have to accept that there are people who just aren’t going to get vaccinated.
Not only that, but there’s good news: those same dummies crying “Tyranny!” are the same numbskulls who are going to fix another one of our nation’s current problems. I’ve figured it all out.
The mailbag is back! Every week, Matt Drufke has questions about the NFL. Every week, Brandon Andreasen and a special guest answer guest, both of whom know much, much more about football than Matt, give their thoughts. This week, the guest is Brian Roman. Let’s dive in.